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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

how long does it take to establish a contact routine after separation?

9 replies

libertyprint · 06/02/2009 14:47

My db has recently separated from xp, relatively amicably with no third parties involved. He is a little frustrated that contact arrangements for his 9 yr old dd have not yet settled into a regular routine. Currently he is supposed to have two separate weekdays but each week seems to throw up something to necessitate a change. One issue is that his dd finds it hard to be away from her mother for more than a day or so - she feels quite responsible for her mum and worries about her when she's away from her. Another issue is that his xp wants to maintain flexibility and arrange contact around their other work and social commitments which may vary.
My db would like to see more of his dd and would like things to be more regular.

Do you think he should just bide his time while things settle down? What would be a reasonable contact plan? How much account should they take of his dd's feelings? Should they try to keep things flexible so that they can 'babysit' for each or should the contact timetable come first?

Its all seems so hard and painful and I have no experience from which to advise...

OP posts:

Bumblelion · 06/02/2009 14:53

When me and x-h split (it took him 9 months to actually move), he moved out on the Monday and saw the children on Wednesday night (at my house) and had them overnight at his new lodgings on the Friday night.

7 years on - he no longer comes to my house on a Wednesday - this died off because he lives 1 hour drive away and by the time he got here, it was time for the younger 2 to go to bed.

He still has them as follows:-

One night a week, every week - normally Friday but can be changed to Saturday if either him or I have made plans on that day

One week at Easter - either leading up to Good Friday or the week after Easter Monday (different last year because of school holidays falling later than Easter holidays).

Two weeks in the summer holidays.

If I need/want/like to go away for the weekend, he will have them both nights - on the other hand, probably once/twice a year, he does not have them at all because of weekends away, etc. but he will then have them two nights the following weekend.

When he first left, the children were less than 1 year, 4 years and 8 years. Now they are 16, (nearly) 12 and 7.

I always felt, as did he, that whatever our problems with each other, this did not involve the children. However hard it has ben for both of us in the past (and it has been hard), we both knew that we were the adults in the relationship and that our children all meant the world to us and that happiness/settlement came first.

Bumblelion · 06/02/2009 14:53

7 years on - he no longer comes to my house on a Wednesday - this died off because he lives 1 hour drive away and by the time he got here, it was time for the younger 2 to go to bed.

He still has them as follows:-

One night a week, every week - normally Friday but can be changed to Saturday if either him or I have made plans on that day

One week at Easter - either leading up to Good Friday or the week after Easter Monday (different last year because of school holidays falling later than Easter holidays).

Two weeks in the summer holidays.

When he first left, the children were less than 1 year, 4 years and 8 years. Now they are 16, (nearly) 12 and 7.

Original poster

libertyprint · 06/02/2009 15:02

thanks bumblelion. I think my db would like to have a more equal split than you have gone with. I mean up until a few months ago he was seeing her every day and of course it is hard for both parents when that can no longer be the case.
He lives very near and actually his input is indispensible to dp - they both work and share the school runs. tbh she's been used to basically organising his input to childcare around her needs re work and I worry that this is how she thinks its going to continue - i.e. she has the veto about what the arrangements are on any particular week.

I think he is just finding it hard to adjust (I guess they all are) and would like it to be a bit more settled rather than chopping and changing. My view is really that as long as he keeps seeing her regularly (at least twice a week) then hopefully over the coming months she will feel more settled about leaving her mum and this can be extended a bit more. I think he also has to make his place a bit more homely for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

libertyprint · 06/02/2009 16:46

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 06/02/2009 17:48

mine moved out on the Sat, had the boys (then just 2 and 5.5) on the Sun for a few hours to show them his house.
Had them for tea on the Tue night but brought them home and then I think had them for the day on the Saturday.
He then got beds delivered and from then on it has been every Tue night and 1 weekend night/day (Fri night & Sat or Sat night & Sun).
So basically settled into it almost immediately, albeit that they didn't stay for the first week or so because there was no where for them to sleep.

Original poster

libertyprint · 06/02/2009 21:38

thanks. what did you do when it wasn't convenient, say you wanted to do something on another evening and wanted him to have them or vice versa? And did your dcs ever complain?

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 06/02/2009 21:45

we don't.
He has them on a Tue. Last year there were 4 tue's he couldn't manage (due to work). He let me know WELL in advance.
Last year we sorted the weekend days a couple of months in advance. Round his calendar. We have just changed this to Fri/Sat one week and Sat/Sun next week - on my suggestion.
I don't ask him to have them at other times because I want to do something, if I do (rarely) need to I ask my mum to babysit. But I have 2 free nights a week, most things can be worked round that.
I don't want his help or assistance for me, well I do - but I want more than that, I want him, and if I can't have that then I can't cope with having anything to do with him. I do know that he would help out if he could.

dc's - are 3 and 6.
3yo says every time he goes that he doesn't want to go to daddy's house. Not nice to have to hear it twice a week. I am pretty sure he is ok there though.
6yo spends the hour before they go asking when daddy is coming, which is as hard as the 3yo not wanting to go.
It's crap basically.

Original poster

libertyprint · 06/02/2009 22:04

its heartbreaking isn't it
but my db didn't really choose this...
If your dcs were asking for you while they were away, would you expect your xp to bring them back?
I wonder really if the fact that they are still getting on very much as they were before they split actually makes it harder to stick to a routine.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 06/02/2009 22:24

umm, that's difficult.
I know that the 3yo asks to come back earlier, but that would impact on the 6yo. And by bringing them back earlier it wouldn't help the long term situation I don't think.
How would I feel on the other hand - if they wanted to go on a night when it wasn't planned. Honestly - I would hate it. But they don't - probably because they know ex works away.

Can he start to gently insist on a routine? I find it crap that we can't do things that we might otherwise do on certain nights. But I accept that and work round it. Certainly wouldn't mess the children or ex around because of it.

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