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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anyone else who wouldn't want their Xp/Xh to have the kids if something happened to them ??

21 replies

CrackerNut · 05/02/2009 19:27

Have been wondering about this since hearing the news about Jade Goody.

If something were to happen to me, I wouldn't want the children to live with xp. He isn't a monster or anything, but imo isn't the best person to bring them up and this was one of the reasons that I split with him.

Does anyone else feel this way ? Also where would I stand legally on requesting that they didn't live with him ?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 05/02/2009 19:49

i don't think that they would automatically go to him though, would they??

Original poster

CrackerNut · 05/02/2009 19:51

I don't know tbh as I have never looked into it.

He has regular access to them and i'd want that to continue but definatly wouldn't want them to live with him.

He would be against my decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrackerNut · 05/02/2009 19:52

We weren't married, but he is named on all 3 dc's birth certificates if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 05/02/2009 19:52

see here

without parental responsibility your partner isn't even automatically entitled to the children when you die, even if you are living together.,

so i think the fact that he is your ex would make it even harder.

however, it's probably worth your while getting a will made out that specifies who should look afte rthe children if you die

AnarchyHeart · 05/02/2009 19:53

I feel the same. If I were to drop dead and XP get residency of DD, he would not bring her up. His parents would, and I have seen the results of their dysfunctional parenting (daughter a heroin addict and prostitute, son an emotionally stunted, irresponsible serial father). I want better for DD.

I am having a will drawn up appointing my parents as legal guardians - is there anyone you could appoint for your DC?

Original poster

CrackerNut · 05/02/2009 19:59

Thanks for the link. It looks like they wouldn't automatically go to him then.

As you both say though, i think I do need to get something draw up stating what my wishes would be.

OP posts:

popcorn123 · 05/02/2009 21:03

Am married to my ex (planning divorce) I have never trusted my dc's with him. He would get his parents to look after them, who are more reliable than him but very dysfunctional

I am assuming that they would autimatically go to him if I died - is there any wasy I could have my parents/sister as legal guardians when him having access or is ths not possilbe?

thisisyesterday · 05/02/2009 21:48

not sure popcorn, i think it'd be worth your while speaking to a solicitor or something about how it all works, and then getting will drawn up

popcorn123 · 05/02/2009 21:57

Yes - will speak to solicitor as in discussions re separation agreement.

piximon · 05/02/2009 22:02

When my step mum and dad divorced, I was named as the person to take legal custody of my brother should anything happen to her. I was around 20 at the time. She didn't feel my dad would be best placed to bring him up and he eventually agreed.

As it was my little brother's now 21, towers over me and is fully capable of looking after himself, but I was honoured they both thought me so capable.

Debra1981 · 05/02/2009 22:02

I wouldn't want dd to live with xh, but also assume this would happen automatically as he has parental responsibility and can't see how my wishes would over-ride this legality?

elmoandella · 05/02/2009 22:48

i wouldn't want my dc living with gambling addict for father. looking into making a will to state he still gets regular access. but he's not capable of looking after then full time imo

lostdad · 06/02/2009 07:40

My ex wouldn't want me to have my ds if anything happened to her. Her preference in order would be her mum (who she refers to as `Mum 2', anyone else in her family, anyone else at all, social services and me at the bottom.

Then again, she was like that from day one when my son was born.

boredveryverybored · 06/02/2009 07:49

I had my wishes regarding this drawn up in my will a few years ago for this very reason.
DD's dad is on her birth cert but doesn't have parental responsibility.
He's not a bad father as such, he'd never deliberately hurt dd or cause her harm but her has no idea how to be a parent iykwim. My dd is disabled and he is so ignorant to it all he couldn't tell you a thing about her condition despite having had it explained to him a thousand times.
I have named my parents as DD's guardians should anything happen to me.
My solicitor said that my wishes would be followed should anything happen but that exp could contest them and fight my parents for her if he was so inclined.
So even though I've done all I can there is still no real guaratee that she would stay with my parents.

hth

piratecat · 06/02/2009 08:10

I got thinking about this the other day.

My dd's dad does have joint parental responsibility. We were married when she was born and he is on the birth certificate.

DD got upset about me dying one day, and we got talkign about it.

is there anyone i can talk to about it without having to see solicitor.

piratecat · 06/02/2009 08:12

sorry, boredveryverybored, meant to say. So even tho you have done all that is still doesn't ensure 100% that your wish wil be granted.

ninah · 06/02/2009 11:13

my sister will have them
what news about Jade Goody?

cestlavielife · 06/02/2009 11:26

i have named legal guardians in my will - not him, tho expressed he should see them subject to psyhciatric evaluation.

you ened to write a will and you need to express your wishes ie name the proposed guardians.

then he would have to go to court to argue against that and child welfare would get involved cafacass etc

Original poster

CrackerNut · 06/02/2009 14:47

Jade Goody has been told that her cancer has spread ninah and that they are now treating her to try and prolong her life not cure her.

I would want my mum to have my kids, but would have to put in also that not only should their dad be allowed regular access but also their grandad (my dad). My parents are divorced and my mum hates my dad and wouldn't encourage access.
It is important to me that my dad would still be very much involved in their lives if I weren't here.

OP posts:

Waspie · 09/02/2009 11:15

I made a will (during Willaid month in November) and specified my sister as DS legal guardian should I die before DS is 18yo.

Because DS' father has parental responsibility he would get sole guardianship of DS should I die. I asked the solc if there was anything I could do about this as this was very definately not what I wanted for DS but she said that there was not.

She recommended that I write a statement explaining what I want to happen to DS if I die, how I would like him raised, by whom, my estate etc. , and my executors would take this into account. However when I told DS' father that I wanted my sister to take parental responsibility and residence in my absence he objected and said that he would have sole responsibility for DS and that was that. Unfortunately that is true.

Solicitor also pointed out that if I die and DS goes to live with his father and DS' father makes a will which specifies a different guardian and then he dies (long shot I admit) then DS will end up with the guardian that DS' father has specified in his will and not the one specified in mine!

I must admit that I signed my will with much less hope that I was securing DS' future in the event of my death than I had before

The best I can do is get DS' father to agree to let me sister have parental responsibility in the event of my death and hope that he doesn't renege on this.

I'm deeply upset that just because I was stupid enough to allow ex to be named on DS' birth certificate that that means he calls all the shots if I should die despite never contributing to DS' existence or even acknowledging his birth to his family. I blame myself for trying to be nice

lou33 · 09/02/2009 11:18

i wouldnt like it, exh cant look after himself let alone the kids

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