What if it never happens?

[whatifitneverhappens]

well, that's it really?

What if, when your Ex shits on you from a huge height, you go out of your way to make his life hell (I have, I admit, and hurt my kids in the process), and you wait for karma, but in the last 10 years, he's gone from strength to strength... what then?

Being totally truthful, I got everything in our divorce. I made sure of it. I got everything except the overdraft and made him buy me a car. I got an exceptional level of maintenence and child support (way above CSA levels).

But, since then, his career has just gone so well, that I don't even get 20% of his salary now.

I hate him. I hate the fact that he has a happy life with his new wife and their kids. I hate the fact that my kids prefer time with him than me. I know I'm a grouch. I know that I'm letting my feelings for him get in the way of my life with my kids, my family, my friends, other men.

I can't seem to move on. I was so sure that the Karma Bus would roll into town, but a decade on and the only one whose been squashed by the Karma bus is me.

He told me (and my family told me too) that it was my fault he left. Friends have told me this since. I know I'm being unreasonable but I have no clue how to move on.

My kids are grown up now, I'm alone and I'm lonely, I've met some nice men, but always refused to get serious, because that would have been a sign I was moving on.. Now I'm ready to move on, it seems I've missed the bus.

If you really are ready to move on, it sounds like you need to change your outlook a little and ask yourself some searching questions. When you got 'everything' in the divorce it sounds more like you got nothing. Nothing you needed to help you move on that is. What were you hoping for when you made him 'pay' for leaving you? Do you agree with all the people close to you who are saying it was your fault? (which seems harsh as it it rarely one persons fault) How do you want to move on?

I got material stuff. I thought that's what I wanted and, well, in a way it is, but he has much more than me now so what I have now seems small and old (10 years now, I haven't really had the money to replace things, whereas he has)

I'm being honest tonight and I know that I've been materialistic. But, I know that my Ex is too. I thought that was one way I could hurt him but he has more than we ever had together and I'm sad about that. I know that's unhealthy but I am.

I'm sad that he's moved on, that he has more kids and a new wife, that my kids have been lying to me to spend more time with them.

I'm sick of being who I am but feel angry that I've spent so long with people telling me that 'he'll get his' but he's not and I suppose that's why I'm thinking of the people who told me it was my fault (no-one has told me this recently, I've distanced myself from them, but several people told me that it was my fault at the time)

I feel helpless as to how to change. I want to move on, but I still feel so angry that his life is so good when mine is so crap.

So, just off loading tonight.

Are you ceratin that he is a 'bad' person?
It seems like his wife, his new kids and your kids all love him....perhaps he is not actually owed any bad karma..

I don't know what he did to you or how your marriage ended, so forgive me if I'm being insensitive, but your life will not in any way improve by his deteriorating.
make your own happiness!!!

Anger is such a destructive emotion - I know that from my own experience with it. I would highly recommend counselling and/or hypnotherapy. It will help you deal with and move on from the anger.

I am curious as to why you think he deserves such a horrible life. How did he hurt you?

Don't think I'm just trying to pry, if that's not something you want to discuss. I just think it may help you if you get objective advice on your perspective.

Also, have you done things to make your life less 'crap'? It sounds like he has done all he can to move his life forward and is (prehaps unfairly) reaping the rewards.

He left me for his new wife when our little one was just under two.

He left me for her. SHe has supported him, financially and emotionally, since. Being totally honest, I've done my damndest to break him.

I felt Ok about it - I actually left him first and had an affair, so I'm not saying we were happy - when he left, but I didn't expect them to last.

I found out recently that my kids are lying to me, saying they are out with friends, when in fact, they are going to his house. He's made sure they have bedrooms etc., in his house and he's always made sure they are welcome.

I should be happy for them. God, I'm pretty much in tears. I should be happy FOR THEM but I'm totally pissed off FOR ME.

I'm really a self centred person, aren't I?

Yes - sorry if that seems harsh, it is only based on what you're saying on a chat board though. You are a better person to answer that question.

Sounds like you need a big wake up call though. All this bitterness is ruining YOUR life. I can honestly say if you are willing to do some real soul searching, difficult work on yourself, you will make wonderful things happen.

Also Karma is about what you put out there, if you put out negativity you get it back. It's easier said than done, but you need to forget about his happiness and work on your own.

In terms of your kids, it's wrong of them to lie, but are you giving them a choice? Sounds like he's trying to be a good dad to them.

That's what hardest. My kids are lying cos they know I'll go nutty.

I know, I can see... I'm actually driving the people I love away from me.

I know that.

But, I can't see to get past it. I've invested so much time and effort... I know I need to get there, but I can't seem to walk away. I am driving my kids further away by obsessing over what my Ex will do for his kids. I'm pissed off he's a good dad - he's never had to do anything difficult - he's only ever done the nice / easy bits, which is why the kids think he's so cool. I'm the one who gets monday mornings and homework. He gets sundays and good times.

But, I don't want to end up in a year or so totally alone, which is the way I'm heading.

Imagine if his wife divorced him tomorrow?
if he was sacked from his job? if he had to move out of his house?
if his kids began to hate him and his friends deserted him?

How on earth would that make your lif any better???!
I'm even more gobsmacked that you actually had an afair and lefgt him but somehow think that his pursuit of happiness was worse than yours...
you obvioulsy were both unappy/unsatisfied so why not wish him well and start to take control of you own life before you end up old and alone - sorry but it's the truth

You have to bite the bullet and get help. Don't wallow in bitterness and what if's for another year. I bet if you start to work past the anger your kids will enjoy your company more. I can also recommend a book called 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' - sounds like cheesy American psychobabble but it's a helpful read. Good luck

I know I need to get help, but dropdeadfred... Yes, it WOULD make me feel better if his wife divorced him, if he lost his job, his house, his friends.

I know that's wrong, but it would make me feel better.

In a way, yes, I'd prefer him to let the kids down so they hated him and loved me.

I'm being totally honest tonight, there is more to me than this, I assure you, but this is something I know I need to address.

Whatif - you say he's only ever done the easy bits, but a couple of posts previous you say you've done everything you can to break him.

And you had the first affair, he's continued to support you financially, he's kept a good relationship with your kids (who still love you enough to lie to you about where they are).

You need to get yourself sorted out. You're living like a victim when you may have caused this (from what you say) and a true victim would probably have dusted themselves off years ago and decided not to live their life as a victim.

I'm sorry, but you're making it really hard to be sympathetic here. Have you tried counselling? Or might a counsellor be too honest for you, like the friends you cut before.

Gosh, what an honest OP - I have to admire your openness ion admitting your own failings. i think you're very brave and yes, you need to make some changes but being aware of that is good.

Whatif...I didn't say it wouldn't make you feel better (short term though believe me). I said it wouldn't improve your life!! And it truly wouldn't! It would make you feel temporarily smug, then you would have to face life without your 'hate campaign' to keep you occupied.

PLEASE seek help, you are worth more than this and it's sad to think that you are wasting so much energy in hating a father that still invests alot of time in his kids' lives, so many walk away, start new families and don't look back.

If you believe in Karma then I think you should realise that trying to break someone may result in bad Karma coming your way.

That sound so harsh so I aplogise for that. Ten years really is too long to be feeling like this. I really hope that you can find a way to get some peace of mind at last. Some counselling sessions could really help you.

It sounds like it is costing you (emotionally)so much to hold onto this anger/ bitterness towards your ex. I wonder what would it cost you to let go of it?

You say your are materialistic. Could you get 'greedy' about a commodity like your own happiness? If you 'made sure' you got a great divorce package all those years ago, could you draw on those same qualities that you obviously have (tenacity, determination, focus etc) to make sure you get what you deserve - happiness?

This really does not have to be it for the rest of your life. I would urge you to get some help with this. I am just blurting out what I think is going on here - please excuse me if I'm wrong. You sound like you have had a moment of clarity and know it is time to be really brave and move on, however hard that is.

I don't mind harsh words.

I don't know how to describe it. It's like I had the winning lottery ticket and someone else ended up with it and I have to live with their happiness everyday. My own daughter called me ridiculous at the weekend . And I am. I hate seeing HER with my husband, with my kids, with the life I should have, the life I don't have, and she's OH SO BLOODY supportive. It doesn't matter what happens, she's there with a supportive word or idea.

I KNOW... But I just want it to be me. I want him to love me. I don't want my kids to like being in a different home. I didn't want this as my life and I do want to change..

I'm sorry for your loss whatif. It's time you got some counselling - Relate should be able to point you in the right direction if they can't help you themselves. I hope you find the right help.

xx

Have you had any counselling in the past? Please give it a go. They are so understanding and can really help you to come to terms with the past.

Can you try dating again? I've been on my own for years too. Haven't met anyone that I wanted to share my life with but know it can and may happen.

Can I ask why you had an affair when you were with him? Can you think back to how you felt at the time? how he wasn't enough for you or wasn't fulfilling all your needs?

whatifitneverhappens - while there is life, there is hope. Don't give up.

If you are sure you have done things wrong, make amends. Admitting your faults is a sign of strength, not weakness. Saying that, no one is perfect and it is a certainty your ex will have faults he could admit to.

My ex has shat on me from a great height - accusations of DV and physical abuse of our son, lying about about my parents, moving halfway across the country and seemingly doing everything she can to make me miserable. I didn't contest the divorce she started (no point if she wanted one), wasn't too concerned about the financial settlement. But for our son I took her to court when she tried to cut me out of his life and have been involved in a nasty battle since then.

But for our son's sake and because I am determined that I control my outlook on life, I would have a normal' relationship with her in a moment should she stop doing the sort of thing she's done. I would skip with joy if she contacted me, said Look - we need to work together on this' as opposed to giving me no option to take to court - no talking, no mediation, no discussion. I would breath a sigh of relief and think `Thank God for that - now we can all get on with a normal life'.

It sounds you want this and hopefully so does your ex. No one needs that sort of thing hanging over them.

I've posted this, not because I want to tell my story in particular - but because I believe most people want a quiet life and realise that in most cases everyone is a loser - most of all the kids.

I think the "Bad Karma" has struck. It's just your judgement is clouded by hatred and anger and you are failing to see where that Bad Karma has stuck or why.

You admit you have hurt your children in your vendetta. Yet you wonder why they prefer to be with their dad...!? You took him for every penny you could. Yet when he continues to work hard to support his family, old and new alike, you just get more angry.

As other's have said you need to sort out your life, probably through councelling or some kind of self help. But are ready and able to see that the problem lies within you. I'm not sure that you are, especially given that your message is titled 'What if it never happens'... and you are asking if the Bad Karma will ever stike him and you are ever hopeful that it will.

As I said, imo, the Bad Karma does appear to have happened. Just not in the way you were hoping for it to.

Move on. Find other things to occupy your time and your life. Make peace with your children before you loose them forever.

please go to counselling - some good cbt type stuff would really help

Thanks your message has made our struggle worthwhile.