HELP ABOUT CONTACT, (I'M NEW HERE)

[mummylou85]

Hi never posted here before although i've read few threads but only just found this site, wish I found it before.

The problem is my ex. I have a daughter who is 3 years old. when I was pregnant he didn't want to know me at all. all he went on about was he wanted proof that she was his. now this was ridicolus as i'd never cheated it was always him who was cheating. when my daughter was born he wanted dna test. I refused unless he paid for it. I was still living with my mum at time. also at time he was on £400 a week and never even bought a nappy or paid a penny once. just threatning me not to go to csa. in the end dna weren't done. I did give his name to csa but they never chased him no matter how many times I called them. when I was pregnant on my daughter I was half way through my uni course and weren't working so when I had her I had no choice but to drop my course to claim money or I couldn't get any help at all. anyway weren't until my daughter was 8 months old that I recieved court papers that he wanted overnight access and parental responsibilities. in 8 months he hadn't contacted me, paid penny towards his daughter etc... so we had meeting with cafcass and I agreed he could see her at my home 2 hours a week supervised as he was stranger. he weren't happy at all but luckily judge agreed with me considering he stranger. my daughter cried the whole time every time. he was clueless would not talk to her, interact nothing, and when I DID hand her to him for hug at end he nearly dropped her which he denys. so then there were 3 contacts with cafcass as we couldnt agree. my daughter was 13months then cafcass was totally biased for father and told many lies. then it was ordered up contact centre with support worker for him to learn parenting skills. which my daughter was to upset there were only 8 sessions and by time my daughter calmed it was time to go. he was offered more sessions but he would have to pay which he refused. my mum offered to supervise then for 2 hours a week. the judge upped it too 2 hours twice a week. but throughout all contacts he just didn't have clue on interaction with her. he would just stare at her. he took no interest in her weight, toddler groups, what new things he could do. all he talked about was himself and his car and job too my mum. finally went for final hearing but just before then they found out he was earning too much for legal aid he's been getting so he had no barrister nothing and dropped case.
so everyweek since have been taking my daughter to his one bedroomed flat for few hours. she is getting more used to him now but he is clueless. she really did hate him now she just putting up with him and is eager to leave, we are there for few hours and he never gives her a drink, nothing to eat. it's freezing he don't put heating on. his kitchen is in kis living room. he has frying pans on edge of cooker and few times my daughter have nearly knocked it over her the cooker os off but it's not point. I take snacks and drink with me even though he dont pay a penny still. there is dangerous stuff around all the time like scissors on coffee table. i'm consistently telling him all the time to move this or that, he still talks about himself. I feel heis only doing courts to get at me as he wants me to go on date and sending me dozens texts and getting on my nerves.
now he have lost his job so no hope getting any payments out of him. but he keeps sayng he has free legal aid and holding it as a threat. he thinks he is entitled to shared residency order. his words other day is it's unfair how I claim child benefit when it should be shared. can child benefit be shared. this really worries me that he will go for shared residency not for my daughter but money. I struggle now with money nevermind if he took it off us to spend on his car. of course money not important but my daughters well being. but it drives me mad how he puts himself before her and would see her go without as he is money mad. he dont give birthday presents/xmas presents nothing. his nan gove card with £10 in which he stole £10 that one occasion I know of. what is maximum amount contact judge will give? can child benefit be shared or took off me? culd he get shared residency? could I apply for full residnecyor would tis back fire. he lives in one bedroom flat at moment but his mum has 3 bedroomed house he going to move back in with her to give his daughter her own room. he wants to go for full custody infuture his reason for not working but he never paid anything. I'm happy and want my daughter to have bond with her dad. but I don't want to hand her over until I know she is safe and with him for right reasons, please help so stressed and its complicated story x

what I mean is how much wll he have to see my daughter before money being affected. I think I read the normal of being awarded is every other weekend and week night, would child benefit be affected then? really would be so upset and would miss my daughter so much and worry about her health and if she have been fed. him moving into his mums home does that count as an ok home for his daughter to call her second home? shouldn't he have home of his own. please help so stressed x

Contact. If the man is clueless, keep the contact arrangement as it is, if he wants more, let him take it to court, unless you agree.

The only way he can take the child benefit off you is if the child moves to live with him. For the child to move to live with him, you need to agree or a court needs to have very clear evidence that making the order is better than not making the order. The making the order point is a rather high threshold.

Shared residence Now there is an intresting point. There are a fair few arguments about shared residence. The father is getting 2 to 4 hours a week and wants to get a shared residence order. He isn't a bloke, he's a joke. While I am not an expert on shared residence, it would seem logical to think that the child needs to spend one night a week at his place for him to think about shared residence.

You sound like I was when my ex left me. I didn't have a clue. You will be surprised at how much info there is on the internet about court process. Things are not as simple as the father makes them out to be.

What is worth keeping in mind is that the child has the right to grow up knowing their parents. You should accept that. How much tome the child spends knowing the father and spends with him is a matter to be decided - usually by agreement or recommendation.

thank you I appreciate your reply.
I agree totally I wish he could be normal and provide a safe home for my daughter to visit. if he could prove he would care for her and provide and she would be happy i'd have no problem in her going one night aweek or what ever.
but he quite clearly is never gonna change,
it looks like court route again. what if the courts believe in all he says and gives shared residency. I think my friend said he would probably get friday after school until sunday evening every other weekend and school night? would they cut child benefit then? My daughter would be traumatised for that amount of time. I'd appreciate if anyone else could offer some advice. I do worry to much though I cant help it. thank you though I will def stick around x

Just wanted to say you are not the only one. I am going through a messy divorce and keep getting the threat of 'shared care' its sending me almost mad. Ditto with the nasty text messages, too.

Don't have a lot of advice as I am just as hurt and confused myself, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Sending a hug,

The parent who has the child for most of the time gets the child benefit. There is no way to share the child benefit unless the person receiving the benefit shares it, and there is no obligation.

If the ex says something in court and it's factually incorrect, dispute it and invite the ex to prove his claim. My ex lied so much in court (using legal aid and a solicitor) and I was silenced my my solicitor - and I was paying them with borrowed money. When I was forced to be LIP and ex lied, I challenged her lies, that's the quickest I see her go quiet.

Keep this in mind!!!! If you don't agree, then don't agree. Be very clear that you are not agreeing to something that you are asked to agree to and are opposing. Staying quiet is seen as not opposing.

There is sole residency. Where the child has one legal residence. Usually this also has a contact order where the resident parent has to make the child available during the contact times.

Shared residency is where the child has 2 legal residences. The child lives with the resident parent for most of the time and lives with the absent parent during contact times. The wording on the order makes the diffrence.

Shared care is where the care of the child is shared. Some parents share the care 50/50. Others might have a different ratio. Usually with sharing the care, both parents make arrangements between themselves.

N1 - you are incorrect about shared residence.

Shared residence says the child has two home of equal value. Both parents have residency.

To say "The child lives with the resident parent for most of the time and lives with the absent parent during contact times" is completely incorrect and shows a clear misunderstanding of what shared res means.

There can be a separate 'contact' element that states the time the child lives at either home. Neither parent is the "absent" parent as both parents have residency - do you see the distinction?

yerblurtm thanks for the correction. Under a shared residence order, the times can be anything including that of a contact order arrangement. The diffrence is that a shared residence order in terms of a court order put both parents on an equal status by definition. Both being resident parents as opposed to one parent being the resident parent and the other being the visiting parent.

I used the terms absent parent to describe the parent who sees the child for less time and resident parent to describe the parent with who the child lives most of the time.

I used to have a contact order and I was in and out of court for over 5 years. I now have a shared residence order and not seen the inside of a court room (for my own case) for nearly a year now. The shared residence title seems to have settled the ex right down, even though my son lives with me for alternating weekends and half of the holidays. The title "shared residence" made every bit of diffrence in my case.

I do accept that my previous reply could have been better. Clarity is important. Thanks.