exp getting married. Don't know how to feel

[pinguthepenguin]

Some of you know my story..but quick background. He left when DD was 7wks old (well, made us leave). I knew ow was involved, he denied it, but later admitted she was 'the catalyst'. Still refuses to cite ow as reason for leaving, so to his mind and that of his family and friends, he got out with his reputation intact, as he did not actually 'cheat'. You may not understand this, but its always bothered me immensely. The lies.
Fast forward. He bought a house with this woman when our child was 6 months old. He told me by text yesterday( yes, really, by text) that they're to be married next month. Our child will be 18 months old.

I think this kinda blows a hole in his story that he did not leave for another woman, don't you think?

Anyway, I have zero feelings for this man, so am not actually bothered by his nuptials, only by what they mean for DD. How will it seem to her that her father was married to another woman by the time she was 18 months old?

Also, I've posted about this a fair bit- he is very controlling over DD. He has given this woman a lot of say regarding her, and they both constantly undermine the choices I make regarding DD. It is always, always negative, never quite saying it blatantly, but inferring that I'm more than a little bit crap. ( ow comments to exp on DD's childcare, her diet, her health, her 'excess weight' ( yes, I kid you not'), has banned dd from eating biscuits in their house because of said weight....I could go on...)

People keep telling me to get tough but I feel 'over a barrel,' so to speak, as I've no one else to help with childcare. In essence, I take alot from him that I wouldn't, if I had more help elsewhere.

I'm now worried sick that they will get worse. He will elevate new wife to 'stepmother' status, and so will up their offensive against my parenting. After all, they'll be doing it within the respectable confines of a marriage won't they?

hey,happy new year pingu.well sounds to me like they are welcome to each other.lets face it he is hardly a catch.i do understand your worries,that suddenly he and new wife elevate to higher status and continue to berate your alleged bad parenting

chances are considering he behaves like a insensitive git nbow,he will continue to do so.sorry,no easy answer

do keep dates/notes of any bullying and or harrasment of you

best you can ignore the snidey comments designed to make you feel bad and using your dd as leverage.that is low

take care

Pingu - my exH is the same as yours although my kids are older.

There is constant undermining and subtle criticism of my parenting. His new DP seems very 'proper' and they also have DCs who I am sure will be so much better than my DCs.

it's very difficult as like you I rely on him for childcare and also as DS1 was 9 when we split (DS2 was just 5) I do want them to have a relationship with him.

But it seems that I have to take a shedload of shit to enable that. I think he is still trying to control me really.

There have been jibes about weight of my DS2 and also last time he had them he rung me in the middle of my precious time alone (or whatever I chose to do) saying that they needed to see a psychiatrist. Which is rich coming from him because he refused to go to Relate.

I think all of this says more about him than you but I do know the feeling of you against two people who on the face of it will seem like a respectable couple (note the word seem).

I ty to rise above and often refuse to talk to him about things. It's very difficult.

I don't think it will be a problem for your DD later that her dad remarried when she was so long as there is every chance that you will move on too. In fact maybe easier than exH/P meeting a partner when DCs are a bit older.

they sound horrible, it is not her place to critise you as a parent espically if she is not a parent herself. And you are a single parent doing your best.

Sorry I'm really not trying to rub salt in the wounds or anything, but sounds strange to me that he would buy a house with someone when your dd was 6months as that means you were only broken up for just over 4months. He is a liar to say they were not together before that.

What an arse hole. But i'm sure your dd will realise what they are like when she is old enough, but that will be a long time away from now unfortuntly.

Also let it be his place to explain that he married another woman such a short time after she was born not yours.

arrrrrrrrrrrgh twunting men are such prats some times aren't they.

Poor you, poor DD -

Ignore, ignore, ignore... thats my only advice.

When my X used to behave like this - I used to play Carry on Regardless (beautiful south i think) and cuddle my DD

So let me get this straight. Your Ex cheats, lies and then abandons you and your dd when she is just 7 weeks old - the time when you are a new mum and your dd is most vulnerable, and now YOU are the one being made to feel like a bad mother??????

Firstly, men often act like arrogant B***ds to their Exs. Why? because deep down they feel guilty as hell. He knows he was a rotton dad, and that one day your dd is going to start asking questions, so he will try anything to get the upper-hand and make you out to be the bad mother. If the fiancee dosn't have dc, she will try to make up for it by attempting to play best mum to YOUR dd, just because you have something with your ex that she hasn't yet given him.

In my opinion, I would make the rules clear. Those rules would include that the only communication you have about dd is with him. He and only he should be imposing rules at his house for dd. She has NO RIGHT and definitely NO SAY, end of. If he has concerns regarding dd these should be discussed with YOU first, as whether he's married or not DD is your child.

You don't have to be agressive about this if you're afraid of missing babysitting, (just grit your teeth and lie if you have to) and say that you respect him for the good job he does, but that you would really appreciate it if he kept DP opinion to himself, and would discuss things with you personally, preferrably face to face. (O.k, ignore that if it sounds unlikely)

Nobody has the right to make you feel like an inferior mum, least of all EX/dp. I would concentrate on building up your relationship with dd making the bond as strong as possible. As she gets older she will understand things for herself and stand up for herself to. Children aren't stupid. Do everything to build up your own self-esteem and confidence, and enjoy dd. You're very strong, don't let others take your positive energy, you owe that to yourself and dd.

xx

I can totally sympathise. XH left about the same time as your XP and moved in with OW officially after 2 months (but had been staying at her flat since the day he left)
Our divorce came through just before Christmas, and on 27th December he took the DDs shopping for bridesmaids dresses.
He hasn't actually told me about his approaching nuptials, but then he didn't see fit to sit the DDs down and talk to them about it either, and considering my eldest is 11 she is not impressed at all.
However, although XH likes to act like a twunt (always) and make out that I'm a bad mum (occasionally) I have the girls backing me up and telling me I'm a fantastic mum (hence my name!)
When your DD gets older she will see for herself what a good parent you are, and her approval will mean far, far more than his pathetic comments.

You poor thing

I only found out mine was cheating after the event, as it were. I was devastated and then found out he had married the woman afterwards as well, but that was much later (well about a year or two) by which time I was less upset than I would have been - they weren't in contact at all so I didn't need to worry about the stepmother thing too much.

It's horrific the way they are treating you and a real blow to you about the marriage and I am so sorry.

someone wisely said to me on here, that they blame us for everything, becuase if they dared to loo at themsleves they would slowly 'unravel'.

To look at themselves, and take responsibility for their bad actions would involve feeling guily.

Guily is somewhere they don't want to go.

My exdh got married last year. In my experience, he's become even more remote fromour dd, and even more remote controlled by his wife.

Keep going, just keep going . Take each setback as it comes, and focus on your little one.x

ahem

'guilty' and variations of!!!!

thanks for the replies girls

Just to add....she does have a child of her own...so I've no idea why she gets so involved with mine...or why he lets her for that matter. I guess finding ways to discredit me will add weight to her belief that I must be awful. ( she has tio believe that, right?)

Do you know the weird thing? I'vetried everything to be amicable- and don't get me wrong, it isn't all doom and gloom, but they simply don't want to be anything other than 'business like' with me- and it does upset me, particualry for DD. I'm just not like that. I've bought them all christmas presents, including ow and her child, I bought ow's child a birthday present last week as well. I do this for DD's sake.
Do they acknowledge it? Apart from a mumbled thanks from him....no. She completely blanks me. You would swear it was me who had ripped their family apart. Truly.

stop being so nice!! if you are not getting equal respect, then stop with the gifts etc... They may find it uncomfortable, and altho well meaning by you, I think you shuold stop 'giving' of yourself.

You obv do have to be amicable and honest and all of it, but not so much that you end up being hurt.
save you love for those who truly matter.x

Crikey I cant believe you buy them pressies.... Actually it probably bothers them that you are SO nice despite how badly they treat you. All I can say is try and distance yourself from them, be 'businesslike' yourself so that you dont have to listen to them. How does it come about anyway that you hear the comments from OW ?? Are they relayed but ex ?? is it not possible to remove yourself from the situation so that you dont have to listen to gospel according to saint OW ?? (I'm not sure how this works as I dont have any contact whatsover with my DS's father and have only read about the shit mums take form ex's)

Can you not arrange so you dont have to rely on them for childcare, what would you do if the father was totally absent. You shouldnt have to feel that you have to take rubbish from them so that HE fufills his responsibilities to his child

he is very involved in DD's life, so conequently we are in regualr contact, wither in person when he picks her up, or by phone. He rarely says 'ow said this', but simply tries to pass her comments off as his own. I find this harder to bear tbh, because I know him, and therefore know what he is likely to say. He will aregue the absolute toss with me over everything, and I just know he has got it from her.
Latest example: DD has started with a new cm after last one didn't work out ( they hated her). ow drops dd off one morning and goes back to exp, declaring the cm's house to be 'grubby' and full of 'manky' people. He then fires a load of questions at me about it. This is in spite of him already visiting new cm, and deciding it was ok. ow's word, is literally gospel.
Second latest example, DD has nappy rash, I buy her one recommmended from health visitor and send it with her dad when she visits. He sends her back with a new one after dumping mine, because ow has claimed it unsuitable. She is medically qualified btw- but there was ZERO communication with me on whether it would be ok. This is a regular thing.

I started this thread I guess, because I am worried that they willup their offensve when they're married. I can see it coming.........

sorry about the typos!

buy her a cream, I mean ( sorry!)

Send her some Germoloid back lol

I guess they may up the ante, she sounds controlling and people like this will never change. All you can do is try to not let it bother you (not easy I know) or just cut him off when he starts. People without an audience may eventually realise its not worth spouting off (remember someone on hear once saying she would always walk away or shut door when ex started spouting...said it took a year for him to realise she want listening... it did make me laugh)

Or you could challenge him directly asking ..is that your word/idea/thought ?? or a sarcastic.. thought that up all on your own did you ??. Only you knows how he could react and how to play him but ultimatly as long as you let him/them get away with pushing you around then they will.

Did you say anything about the cream, did you challenge at all ?? I would of TOLD him to return the cream that you had been advised to get.. As someone said you have to get tough with him as it will just carry on

You need to toughen up and stand your ground. YOU are her mum and if you choose a certain cream for example then thats the damn cream she should be using. She has her own daughter to be making decisons about, not yours.

As long as shes good to your daughter then great but i'm sorry, as far as decisons for your daughter go, that is between you and your ex, she needs to stay out of it and let you carry on.

This situation is always going to be hard for you. When a father is completely absent from a child's life it's tough on the child. When they have an active role, it can actually be tougher on the mother. You are unable to cut yourself off from the source of the problem no matter how much it hurts you, because you want your dd to have a relationship with her father no matter what.

That's what any good mother would want, but the problem with this is that in order to preserve that "good relationship" for your dd, you can end up compromising yourself and end up doing all the running and making all the effort or at least the greatest effort And all this effort is being put into a relationship in which you are not entitled to ask anything back. As you said, they like to keep things business like. So your effort at sending presents, and trying to create a warm friendly atmosphere is not returned. They are not truly friendly in return, OW shows no gratitude. You don't say if OW DC is 4 your ex or not, if it isn't, then you can understand that she would naturally resent your existence and that of your dd, and by making you both look bad by critising your mother skills, and your dd look bad by suggesting that she is fat, she builds a nice cosy castle for herself that is built entirely on sand.

I think you are right to think they will up the offensive when married. OW will feel more entitled to assert her opinions on you and dd. Ex will feel more legitimate, a better man So now is the time to change your approach. It is better to be prepared. First though, I believe that you must find a way of doing something for yourself that will increase your confidence so that you can start to stand your ground. I'm not an expert, but is there something you've always wanted to do career wise, perhaps you could retrain etc? Or pursue a hobby or join some charity or group. It sounds as though you don't have much support so perhaps that suggestion is unrealistic.

You need to find yourself again and get your power back. The situation will bother you less that way. Think about the things you always wanted. If your life is becoming all about THEM, if you're constantly on an emotional rollercoaster, it's time to try something new. Only you know what that is.

Good luck xx

Pingu, hello!

Do you think she could be pregnant? Was just wondering about the marriage and whether there was a reason for the timing of it.
I know this is only speculation but, if she is, it may take the pressure off you and dd a little as they will be busy elsewhere.

I have to say that she comes across as a most loathsome woman, constantly having to assert her 'superior' mothering skills.

It is very hard to stand up to their bullying and you've done fantastically well to keep so dignified. Maybe you do need to be prepared to be somewhat nastier if they up the ante. What do you think?

Well done on the new CM front though. Hope your little dd is happier with her.

Thinking of you.