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increasing contact

8 replies

Debra1981 · 25/01/2009 16:19

Ex currently has dd2.7 ('young' for her age) for 1 overnight every weekend. She still always comes back more tired/grotchity than usual (she's never slept well for me so I don't believe him when he says she sleeps well at his) and hyper from all the sweets he gives her. He now wants an immediate change to 3 overnights one week, none the next (just seeing her during the day Saturdays). I think that 3 nights is too long so suddenly and given her young age, I suggested to start with 2 nights but he's refused and can't understand why I won't agree with him. If he takes this to court what are his chances? and AIBU?

OP posts:
theresonlyme · 25/01/2009 17:16

YANBU

Why does he want 3 nights every other week?

tiggerlovestobounce · 25/01/2009 17:19

YANBU, does he have a good reason for wanting to change the contact? I think 3 nights one week and none the next could be unsettling for a young child, so I would be reluctant to agree to that unless your ex had a compelling reason for the change.

gillybean2 · 25/01/2009 22:47

If he takes this to court the court will want to see attempts have been made at mediation before they do anything. They will probably expect to see contact increased as your dd get's older, but slowly and not usually in big jumps. Three overnights every other week is basically the 'standard' every other weekend and half the hols that is usually dished out once a child starts school. That is still another 2 years away...

You appear to be being reasonable. So don't worry, as long as you are the one being reasonable and he is the unreasonable one he won't get far in court. He will get told to act reasonably should he go and see a sol or take it to court and that what you are offering is fair.

Ask him why he wants this sudden change. Ask him to think about dd and what is in dd's best interests and to consider how this might impact on her. Ask him to go away and think about it and to make sure he is asking for this because it is best for her and not because it is better/easier/more convinient for him.

Tell him you have no problems with increasing contact, and as she gets older the overnights will increase. But make it clear that you believe that this is too big a change at her age and that increasing by one day and seeing how that goes is a start.

Should he go to court it will take several months to get anywhere with this. By which time he could have simply accepted the additional overnight with the understanding it will move forward in time and he won't have the stress, worry, bills, bad feeling between you and everything else that comes with court. Maybe explain that to him and he'll see sense. On the other hand he might take it as a threat and set out to 'prove' you wrong. Only you can know your ex. Is he generally a reasonable person?

Oh and one last thing. I think it's unhelpful to say that your dd's hyper behaviour is down to all the sweets he gives her. Yes she might well get treats etc from a dad she sees once a week. On teh otehr hand she may not. She might also get treats from her grandparents, aunties, your neighbours and friends. You might even give her a treat yourself from time to time.. Do you get as upset over that? Any change to routine can lead to a tired/excited child and we all know that tired and excited children can be more challanging. It's not anyone's 'fault' that this is the situation you are in, you just have to deal with it. Things will probably settle more as time with her dad increases and a routine between you all develops. He won't feel so much like the 'fun time, treat parent', and maybe you won't see him as that either...

That's just one of my pet peeves, not criticising, just trying to help you to see another point of view.

As far as the additional overnights go I think you are being very reasonable and he is mad if he doesn't see it too and decides to take it to court. He really won't get much further any quicker.

best wishes
Gilly

Debra1981 · 25/01/2009 22:50

He says he doesn't get enough time with her, and doesn't get time to take her out for day somewhere nice (he receives her at 9.30 or 10 currently), but also it's unfair on him to have her every weekend as he could be earning so much more if he could work some weekends (although he's still claiming benefits) and he needs to save up a lot for a car or more to the point car insurance as he's been banned from driving 5 times now. TLTB I think you hit on the point my solicitor made when we first agreed the current set-up, I wanted it to be one overnight a fortnight but she said it'd be easier for dd to cope with if the set-up was very regular and samey. He also said this morning that it's not fair that he has to rush and get dd ready for me to pick her up at 9.30 every other week to take her to my local church (other week his mum brings them and drops her at mine at 2pm), when he doesn't get to spend any daytime with her then in return for all that getting her ready iyswim.

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 25/01/2009 22:58

Ahh, so he has her overnight but you pick her up early in the morning. I guess I assumed you got her back (as it were) in the evening so he had that day with her too.

Is there some issue with church? Can he not take her to church if church is important for you both? Can she not miss church once a fortnight or go on a different day so she has time with her dad if chirch is not so important to dad?

Can he perhaps pick her up on friday afternoon, and return her on saturday evening moving to the sunday morning so she can still go to church with you?

What will the church situation be in the future should contact move to every other weekend?

Sorry more questions than answers this time

Debra1981 · 25/01/2009 23:06

Gillybean thank you, and I know you're right about the sweets thing, and I certainly don't blame him for giving her some sweets each time. I think I said that because quite often when I pick her up from his, she's eating sweets, and I wish he didn't let her have them so early in the day.

Things like that always go two ways though, and there are bound to be things that I let her do that he doesn't agree with but doesn't grumble about because she is doing ok.

Unfortunately he is not really a reasonable type, but at least I have stopped being scared of him.

OP posts:
Debra1981 · 25/01/2009 23:21

She's already missing church once a fortnight but with what he's proposing it would be the same church-wise, except I would have her the night before as well. What he's proposed is this; Wk 1: Fri 2pm-Mon 2pm; Wk 2: Sat 10am-5.30pm. But he won't accept me having dd on the 'Wk 2' Saturday night unless he gets the extra two nights with her on the other week iyswim. The church thing is not a biggie, but I think he's trying to move away from having her both days of the weekend every week, so probably wouldn't accept extra time with her on the Sunday that I collect her. You've just given me an idea about maybe alternating which night he has her so Friday night one week, Sat the next. Does that sound more helpful than going every other week without an overnight?

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 25/01/2009 23:41

Well you can suggest it to him. At the end of the day it has to be right for your dd and work for you both.

Don't be bullied into agreeing something if you are not happy and think your daughte is not ready. Two overnights will give him a whole day to go whatever it is he wants to go or do with her. And if you make it clear you don't have any objections to it increasing to another overnight in the future once you can both be assured your dd is happy with the two overnights arrangement then I don't see why he would object too much. Unless he is not being entirely honest about his reasons for wanting to change the arrangement.

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