Viewpoint question : as a lone parent, if you were to have issues with your teenage child, would you phone their step-mum to get them to deal with it?

[Sniggerdoon]

Just finished a potentially fraught conversation with DSD's mum, on the lines of

" You speak to her, she has damn all respect for me, tell her she can live with you for all I care, get her in line".

There are underlying problems with this set-up, I must make clear from the start - mum is in a new relationship and is under pressure because her partner's son is, frankly, idle, and DSD's mum is anything but - she is a hard working, decent, committed person.

My response was a bit guarded - DSD was put on the phone, and I asked her to hand me straight back to mum, and I said to mum I'd discuss the matter in question with DSD when she came through.

We had a bunny in the headlights every potential answer the wrong one fairly constructive conversation after this, but I can't help but wonder :

as a lone parent, would you genuinely want input after a showdown like this, or is it all just for effect?

Next step is problematic, you see.

Bumping because I could genuinely do with some advice before I call DSD back at 6.

I feel stuck on a wire between listening to her upsets and letting her blow off steam, and bolstering her respect for her mum, which frankly, as a teenager, is probably not all it could be.

As another step-mum, what I would do is give her lots of time and the opportunity to offload. There might be stuff she can say to you that she can't say to her mum because she doesn't want to upset her - maybe about her new partner, maybe about her step-brother.

I bet she's at the end of her tether with her and would appreciate some help. I know dsd's mum did when dsd and she kept falling out and dsd was wanting to live with us.

Thanks, Surfermum.

DSD and I have an excellent relationship, but I do always try to affirm her positive feelings about her mum rather than let her come to ours to rant : on this occasion, though, I feel like her mum has created real waves in my relationship with DSD - I've always respected the fact that much as I love her, I'm not her parent, but I feel thrust into the role now - do I say anything as per her mums script, or assume that that will be the Wrong Thing To Do once mum calms down???

God, this is exhausting.

Hmmmm, hard without lots more info.

I would ask your dsd what is going on and what she thinks she needs to do to improve the situation?

If your dsd is trying to get out of "stuff" etc I would ask her to think about what life would be like if she lived with you and her dad - would your expectations be that different from her mum's?

I made that point during my conversation with her mum - that the rules at mine are positively draconian, and she knows it.

DSD's mum has a good sense of humour, and in spite of the obvious upset, we struck a few chords - my take on it is : DSD is her eldest child - they strike sparks off each other at the best of times. DSD is embarking on a gap year (at my encouragement) although her mum would rather she start working immediately. DSD's waitressing job has fallen on hard times, and she has no hours for January, and her mum feels she's not making enough headway looking for alternative work (she's still at school, btw.)

It's hard for me to gauge the reality, divorced as we are from the day to day realities of DSDs life.

I desperately don't want to add more stress for DSD, but I also don't want to make things harder for her mum by anything I say.

I guess I'd ask your dsd what she thinks and whether underneath it she thinks her mum has a point?

I would do a lot of asking questions rather than saying anything IYSWIM.

Agree with cargirl, I would be there more to listen so your stepdaughter can get things straight in her head, rather than giving advice directly.

What does your husband/partner think about the situation?

I expect she is at the end of her tether and may well regret what she has said.

I agree with cargirl and also think you have been placed in a difficult situation. I might try to talk to dsd's mum again when dsd has spoken to you more about it and things are a little calmer.

God this is a tough one.

No idea tbh, you must get on very well with her for her to be asking for help from you. I agree with all those who said just be there to listen rather than advise. Only offer advice if she actively demands it.

I suspect that the mum is stressed and has spoken in the heat of the moment. I would not act on that outburst alone.

In the end, I called DSD later to check she was ok (she was very upset when her mum put her on the phone), and told her we'd talk when she came through for her visit.

I spoke briefly to her mum and said I was going to sit down with DSD and help her write some applications for work, and was that what she wanted.

We're not particularly matey, her Mum & I, and I don't think she was overly impressed to talk to me again, so yes, it seems the call was purely in the heat of the moment, and minimal interference was the way to go.

It's just so hard to know what to do. As a single parent, I think things would have to be pretty hard before I'd talk to my child's step-parent about home issues, but having said that, DSD and I have a uniquely close relationship, always have, we just 'click', hence her Mum calling me, not her Dad.

I just felt help with assessing the 'tone' of the call would be useful, whether you would seriously want help, or more just someone to 'grrr' at.

Thanks for the advice.