Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

What is (soon to be ex) H up to and can I make DS Happy?

22 replies

HOLLY23 · 23/01/2009 15:52

Will try and keep it brief, H is moving out of our house; the sale of which will be completed shortly. I moved out with DCs ages ago when me and H seperated. I moved back to my home town (40 miles away) so I had my family's help and support, however H won't tell me where he will be moving to, he said on the alternate weekends he has kids, he'll be stopping with them at his mum's house. He had an affair 7 years ago with a work colleague and I'm wondering whether that affair started up again several years ago which would make sense with the way he's treated me over the last few years. I really want to find out where he'll be living - has anyone got any suggestions? I know I shouldn't care but I just wish he would have the balls to be more truthful rather then trying to blame everything on me. Also DS (5 yrs old) has been saying he misses his Dad, which is frustrating me, I know it shouldn't but it winds me up because H never spent anytime with DC's when we lived together. Also hate the idea H has lied and lied. Sorry just needed to have a moan, and feel like crying. Think I may be due on! How can I make DS feel happier to be with me! it breaks my heart , any suggestions or words of comfort would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 23/01/2009 15:56

if he isn't taking your dcs to a strange address that he is witholding then i guess it's not really your business where he lives..sorry but I'm guessing this is more baout knowing if he is in a relationship than wanting/needing to know his address

MrsWeasley · 23/01/2009 16:00

Maybe he hasn't got anywhere to live yet and doesnt want you to know that.

Also if he thinks you would really want to know he will feel in control by not telling you.

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 23/01/2009 16:02

Well that may be partly true now, but initially I wanted to know so I could contact him or provide his address in case I'm chased for any unpaid bills that he was suppose to take responsibility for, plus my aolicitor will probably need to know as well. Its just I feel like he's playing a game with me and has been for ages and its winding me up!

OP posts:

mankymummy · 23/01/2009 16:18

Tell him you will be using his mums address for any correspondence and do that.

You need to let go.

He can only play games and wind you up if you let him.

BurningBright · 23/01/2009 16:18

Sorry you are feeling down, but I agree with Dropdeadfred. If he were taking your children to an address that he wasn't disclosing to you then you would have a good reason to be concerned. Other than that, not really your business. I know that sounds hard. Sorry. Don't want to make you feel worse, but honestly, he doesn't have to tell you where he lives if that isn't where he spends time with the DCs.

Regarding your son, do you really believe that he isn't happy with you? Or could it be a case of a little boy who is actually happy with his mummy but is feeling confused because he doesn't understand why daddy isn't around very much any more? If you are the source of your DS's security because you are the parent whose presence is stable and constant, then of course he is going to seek your reassurance regarding the things that make him feel insecure. And his Dad's absence is likely to be something that makes him feel a need for your reassurance. I know it's hard, but try not to feel hurt and frustrated that he says he misses his Dad. Surely it's natural for him to feel that way? Maybe you could tell him that you know he misses Daddy and reassure him by reminding him that you both love him and that he will see Daddy again whenever next contact is due.

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 23/01/2009 16:22

Yeah I know I've got to let go of the address thing. I'm feeling emotional atm thats all.
Tried to reassure DS this morning and when I get home tonight, I'm going to spend some time reading a book to him.
BB - you're right about the stability thing, hadn't thought of it like that.
Has anyone else ever had this with their DCs?

OP posts:

dittany · 23/01/2009 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 23/01/2009 16:36

Dittany - I did start to get distracted with this OW bit, but initially I did think I only have his word that he is taking DCs to his mum's house and stopping there with them. Supposing he took them to his house and I don't know where that is and something happened. What would people think if I said "actually I didn't know where he lives" - that would hardly make me look very responsible.

OP posts:

Leslaki · 23/01/2009 17:18

Wait a few months then you could look him up on 192.com. That's how I found out where XH was living with oher woman - when he claimed he wasn't seeing her and said he was sleeping rough in his car cos I'm a big bad witch!

As far as DS goes, I can only reiterate what burnignbright said. My ds (6) and dd (5) are exactly the same. feel good that he can speak to you about how he is feeling - chances are like my 2, he wouldn't be able to tell dad how he is feeling - too scared he'll lose him for ever. DS may even be upset at the thought of his dad leaving the house he knows, especially if he doesn't knwo where daddy is gonna be living. That really upset dd and was one of th reasons why I tracked XH down. She wasn't sleeping at nigth worrying about her dad. be strong - there are plenty of us on here to help!

mankymummy · 23/01/2009 18:35

My DS gets upset and says he misses daddy. I just say that daddy loves him but he's really busy. Then distract DS.

It used to make me livid because in actual fact exP doesnt give a sod and would rather see his son hungry and in rags than compromise one iota of his luxury lifestyle.

However, I dont ever want DS to know that he isnt the most important thing in his daddys life so I lie.

I always promised myself I'd never lie to my kids but....

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 23/01/2009 19:14

Thanks guys for your support, its exactly what I needed to hear I've come home tonight and DS seems a bit more cheerful....

OP posts:

N1 · 23/01/2009 20:50

Distraction is the key. A good run about in the park, climbing a tree (if you can find one that you can climb) to see how much further yo can see when you are higher off the ground, a walk through the toy shop...etc.

If you are stuck at home, ask for help to sort the socks into pairs, then make that into a game of sock puppets asking questions about school and making funny jokes. The thought of their dad soon goes missing.

Depending on the situation, let the child phone his dad to tell him what he did at school, has a helpful effect sometimes. The child fills the "void" that needs something going into it.

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 24/01/2009 09:08

N1, thanks I plan to take to the park tomorrow weather permitting and the sock thing sounds like a good idea. He said about his Dad this morning and I said "why don't you talk to him then, we can phone him" and he didn't respond and hasn't mentioned his dad since!

OP posts:

BurningBright · 26/01/2009 08:59

Holly - just wondering how your weekend went. Does DS seem to be feeling better/happier?

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 26/01/2009 12:16

Hi BB, DS seems OK, he hasn't mentioned his Dad, I did the sock puppet thing N1 mentioned and he really liked it!

OP posts:

BurningBright · 26/01/2009 15:00

Hurrah for sock puppets. Might have to try that when I need distracting and DD is in bed!

N1 · 31/01/2009 01:45

I know it's slightly off topic - but following on from the sock puppet thing. My son has like 1000 fluffy things on his bed, though there is a favorite animal. So I hold the animal and ask it a question, then make the fluffy animal nod or shake it's head, to give me the desired answer.

A friend of mine has a child younger than my son, when putting his shoes on, I ask his foot if it wants a shoe (and sock) on, the foot "nods" it's errrr, foot? This causes the child to laugh (or smile) and relaxes uncomfortable feelings.

My son got his tigger the other night ans asked (in front of me) if the tigger thinks it's good to stay up later and watch a DVD, the tigger (aided by my son's hand) agreed that staying up would be a good idea.
Me being me, got hold of that tigger and has a gooood long whisper into that tigger's ear (while watching my so), then the tigger agreed with me that bed time is bed time. Tigger and son went to bed - in that order. The tigger and my conversation remains a secret, only to be told when my son gets to 14.

If you want ideas, I am full of them.

CuddlyKelpie · 31/01/2009 02:06

You can keep your dc's occupied and ensure that they have a fun time with you but you will never be able to sort the missing their dad thing, even distraction is a short term thing 'til they get used to the timescale between visits. They do get used to it though.

As for finding out where he is staying, your only option is stalking - follow him home from work. (Just don't have the kids in the car and make sure you are good enough not to get caught!) I have toyed with this idea in the past but eventually they find a place to settle so have never needed to carry it out.

In answer to your questions, time will tell what he is up to and yes, absolutely you can make sure ds is happy.

Original poster

HOLLY23 · 06/02/2009 11:44

Dear N1, thanks for your suggestions, and yes I will ask you for more tactics as you seem to be full of useful ideas! My DS has settled down a bit more and this weekend were going to the cinema and were going to buy some new books. Sadly though he has changed over the last few months with what we've been through although he's still sweet (when he's after something!).

OP posts:

Monty100 · 06/02/2009 15:30

Holly and NI, I do a very similar thing with my DS. We have amazing conversations over awkward issues using his teddy as a 'medium'. It's hilarious. MY DC IS 13!!! But I won't tell anyone........ yet.

Monty100 · 06/02/2009 15:33

Sorry Holly, and I meant to add that I wouldn't let exh know you are interested in where he lives. My exdh did something similar.

You have a right to know where your dcs are so there'll come a time when exh needs to tell you.

I'd leave it 'til then as long as you can communicate with him while they are at his mother's.

N1 · 07/02/2009 02:52

Offering advice is easy. I don't think that I offer more helpful advice than others. I know what I know because I asked questions. In effect, I am just a relay.

When it comes to making children happy or distracting them or something like that, it's something that I enjoy and something that I had to figure out. When my son was 3, I had a struggle to get him to go back to his mother. My son used to cry for nearly 2 hours solid (if he didn't cry himself to sleep) trying to convince me to let him stay with me (long story). I had to figure out many many distractions and ways to keep my son happy. I was applying ant thinking of distractions for over a year. If you present the problem, expect a few questions and you should get a few ideas after that.

If you find something that works, build on that and apply it so the good habit becomes routine.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread