help me figure out the pros and cons?

[anastaisia]

So, things with my ex seem to be coming to a head. After 3 years of floating along, disagreeing frequently but nothing major changing, I'm now in the position where the things I do to improve mine and DDs life are being noticed.

I guess that ex doesn't like the feeling of not being in control and HATES that I wont give him information about my life that doesn't have an effect on DD.

I walked right into an argument today that I shouldn't have had; its one of the small battles compared to some of the other things I'm trying to sort out - although I still firmly believe I AM entitled to know what time he plans to bring her home and him telling me its none of my business is not the same as me telling him its none of his business if I'm sleeping with anyone (incidently I'm not, but if I say no now then if I ever am again then I'll either have to lie or change to none of your business which would be SO much more obvious).

Anyway, outcome is that ex says he never agreed to give my system for arranging contact a go. We both need to be quite flexible for work reasons so I suggested that we plan each month at the start; he gives me all the days he wants DD and I mark them off then arrange other cover for when I need to work at other times.
He doesn't want to be flexible about it, he just wants 2 fixed days now. (oh, the absolutely classic thing; he agressively demands that I should let him have Monday and Tuesday as his two fixed days - then says, but I can't have her this Tuesday because I've got a dentist appointment)

I'm torn now. I want to give him the two fixed days but I don't at the same time. I can see a lot of positives in it; but I can equally see it totally screwing up LOADS of stuff.

So I started writing a pros/cons list and then figured I may as well have a bit of a rant to offload and then post the list on here to see what other people think.

Pros:
I wont have to wait for him to give me days or to work around them at short notice.
DD has an activity on a Tuesday that will be a good handover point so I wont have to worry about what time he'll be arriving back with her and we'll have to have contact one less time.
He'll be happy for at least a week before he finds something else I've 'done to him' to whinge about.
I work a really long day on a Monday now so he'll be able to find out what its like to have the little angel in real-life as opposed to fun daddy bring her home when she starts getting tired life, and on both days will have to get her early.
I wont need to get my family to cover the time after the nanny going and me getting home from work.

Cons;
He's unreliable and these are the two days that really matter for me to work on.
I work a really long day on Monday now and I have real concerns about DD coping with him for so long - she eats either McDonalds chips or spagetti on toast for every meal with him, he winds her up over and above what I would consider healthy (I do actually mean healthy not just good/not so good - like starting to scream and bang her head on stuff because she's so over stimulated), and he usually brings her back on bad days or when she gets hard to cope with; which despite being inconvienient I do believe has been in her best interests because he does not have coping strategies for managing his temper.
We've tried longer days before and DD started to refuse to go, they get on LOTS better with shorter but more frequent visits but ex has obviously forgotten this already despite it only really being a few months ago.
History suggests he wont pace the day and DD wont get till bed time on the Monday, and wont make it to her activity on the Tuesday; but to be fair on this one after a few weeks this could improve with practise.

I feel like all the pros are practical, and about suiting him, but also happen to be not bad for me. While the cons suggest to be that it might not be what's best for DD. But I don't think he'll see it that way, and on the face of it 2 set days doesn't look like unreasonable contact. I also don't think it would be long before more things like the dentist appointment start to crop up more, or he wants to bring her home early. Or swap days with short notice.

I'm leaning towards suggesting a month trial and watching DD to see how she is, but also keeping notes on reliability etc. But I'm scared he'll not turn up or something and I'll end up losing contracts because I'm late or can't get into work. I want him to get the picture of what looking after a 3 year old is like when there is no one to take her home to, but i don't want it to have a negative effect on DD.

Arrrgh; I thought this might help but I'm more confused than ever.

wow you may also have to factor in school in the near future which you may have to change it all again because Monday will be a school night then. Mondays do sound hard for you but if you know that it's going to be hard you can phsyc yourselves inc.dd up for it. Could you include a late monday night contract for the nanny?
aren't weekends suitable?

School thing isn't a problem as DD is going to be home ed. Which is kind of another pro, because it'll be something we can eventually build into an overnight.

Weekends are when he'll make the most money, he's been taking her out for lunch and to his mums then going back to work. Which is another con I guess - she'll hardly see his family because they all work.

The plan was for the nanny to have DD here at home on a Monday, already after just a couple of weeks DD is more settled after a day with her than she ever is with her dad. And she's a clever hard work child with me but NEVER like she is with him with the screaming and hitting and flinging herself around.

Ooooh, I just don't know what to do for the best. I could insist we carry on with my plan, which I honestly believe is the best option for the three of us as a whole. Or I can give his idea a go and hope nothing bad happens and he suprises me by not being unreliable or sabotaging my life on purpose, and go back to complicated arrangements where I have back up childcare for my back up childcare.

sorry, mean his family all work mon/tue office type hours.

Can you imagine the problem you are going to have when you do start seeing someone.....

Having a flexible agreement works best if both people can be accepting and flexible.. There are already problems predicted. A good "test" to apply is the success test. Can you honestly see the plan working? How likely will that plan keep working for?

Personally, I can't see to much problem with the food situation. It's a day or 2 a week, so hardly enough to affect the child. The ex is potentially starting a habit that might be hard to break at a later stage.
I would say that long term predictability seems your better bet, with an inclusion that the option be given to you if he has an appointment otherwise he needs to find cover for the time he has the child. He finds a nanny or he finds someone or a family member to look after the child. Bottom line is that during the time he wants, it's his decision.

If hand overs are at your house, you might want to move that. A hand over at an activity is a good idea. The more the man comes to your house, the more likely he is to want to come in or ask questions. The less opportunity he has to get involved, the better.

Ine would like to hope that things will get better when he gets another girlfriend. How long have you and he been separated?