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Lone parents

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how do you tell dd who feels rejected by daddy that he is going away?

16 replies

MUMDONEGOOD · 21/01/2009 23:18

How do you tell dd who feels rejected and has cried all evening because she feels rejected by her dad that he is going on holiday with the boys (my arse)more like the woman and that mummy is too frightened to take her abroad in case she gets taken. I am so upset today with myself and him. He is such a b and keeps rubbing his wonderful life in our face. He has been staying with us since xmas and all he does is look at porn and text his woman. DD is so hurt and I'm not mumdonegood but a failure.

OP posts:
skramble · 21/01/2009 23:47

You are not the failure he is, just remember that.

Why is he staying with you?

Why not plan a great little holiday just for you two, make it the Uk if you are happier with that. Could be a cheap caravan on a holiday park or whatever suits your budget and likes.

If his life is so wonderful why is he looking at porn all day and still staying at yours, doesn't sound so wonderful to me, just sad.

N1 · 22/01/2009 03:40

The question should be....what's the cure for a child feeling rejected. The reason isn't as important.

The answer should be distraction. If the child is upset, then balance the upset out with fun and happiness.

When my son needs distracting, I take him camping in a tent and pretend to be less clever and get him to show me how to put up a tent, he decides where the beds go and the layout inside. I find that him doing the arranging makes him feel more important and clever, which is a good tool to counter balance him remembering the negative thoughts.

Reading stories by candle light in a tent comes with it's unique challenges.

Given that the weather is a bit cold out, the next better place to pitch a tent is the living room or the bedroom (if that's possible).

I tell my son that sometimes we can't do what others do, but we can do other things that we enjoy and can remember. The important thing is to remember the things that we did do and we did enjoy because those memories are the stories we tell to make each other laugh or smile.

I personally can't see any good in watching porn. If someone came to me and watched porn all day, I would not be feeling to happy about that, better they leave and watch it somewhere where I can't see it and be reminded that it's not for me.

By the sounds of it, the bloke wants you to ask him to join him, just to put you down.

Money doesn't buy happiness. It can make allot of unhappiness.

alipiggie · 22/01/2009 03:47

Second N1. I'm in the same position where Ex has the "good life" We have movie nights in - make the popcon, sit in a row and laugh and joke. All pile into Mum's bed for stories and sleepovers. Just give them time and love. They do appreciate it. Truly they do.

MUMDONEGOOD · 22/01/2009 07:59

I know what you are all saying but I'm scared of everything. Im not in work, I have no partner and live in rented accomodation after selling my own flat. He lives in Notting Hill and now and again asks to stay here. I think his new woman has to stay in hospital quarters sometimes so they then have to give up their flat, I don't know for sure but the last time he stayed with us was in May 2008 till August. He is moving out end of this month. Although I know he is not a good man I dont have anyone else. He was always popular whereas I am not. Its been eight years since we broke up but it still feels like yesterday. It hurt so much yesterday when he showed me where he was going its not a boys holiday and its over valentines. He has asked me to go to a strange party with him, but I dont want to, not sure why g/f not going. Advice needed I just want to curl up and die.

OP posts:
anothermansmother · 22/01/2009 11:14

dont go tot the party with that man. not worth it. plus you dont want to give him any amunition should naything go wrong. when he leaves state that it is your flat and that since he has a new life that he should live there as he cant keep inposing on your life. it doesnt matter who is popular and who is not, Your DD will love you whatever, but she will follow your lead in terms of men in the future so do not be walked over. do things for you, have girly pamper sessions and let her be the beautician...paint nails etc ( hopefully she is old enough)
plus do you want aman who looks at porn in your house...things obviously are not as rosy as he is trying to make out, are you sure that his new GF doesnt already have a prtner?
how old is your DD? do you have a childrens centre near by? if so try to take her there asd they also have things to boost your confidence.
take care
be assertive and remember whos house it is!
sorry for the long post.

MUMDONEGOOD · 22/01/2009 13:00

I know you are right. Thats why I feel a failure. Although when I look at it logically I know its not all good for him, but then its not good for me either. I feel on a rollercoaster, when he is living somewhere else I am independant and get on with things, then he comes and stays and I become a vegetable and jealous all the time. I agree to him staying because I feel strong then and think of him as a friend but then emotions get in the way. He says I like playing games which I think I do, I am always testing him even though I know it will be a negative response. I guess it is just attention. My dd is nine and wants to go on holiday but I'm scared to take her abroad on my own. Not sure what situation is with g/f I think she lives in hospital accomodation. I dont want to live like this anymore but cant move on like he has.

OP posts:
anothermansmother · 22/01/2009 13:46

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! you just need more time to adjust and having him in your space all the time probably doesnt help.
you probably test him due to still wanting 2 parents for your daughter more than anything.
have you tried asking friends to go on holiday or family? or even join the single parent site at least that way you would meet others in the same boat.
it seems that he has moved on...but still need you for support, if he made the decision to leave then he shouldnt have that option. Different people take different amounts of time to gather themselves back together and start all over again, it is especially hard when you have been with someone for a long period of time and werent expecting to have to find someone else all over again only this time factior a child into the equasion.
take your time and do things for you. We never went on holiday out of the country for 14 years after my dad left, but mum used to take us with family to a cravan in wales...she also feared someone taking us or something happening, but i remember those holidays more fondly than i do any of the others abroad.
take care
You are a fabulous Mum for putting your daughter first.

cantpickyourfamily · 22/01/2009 18:02

I really think he should not be staying with you as you do not seem to be completely over him. As another poster said maybe you could take dd away in the uk to start with then build up from there. It would be a good idea to go away with a friend if possible.

it is unfair of him to keep moving in with you when he is needy then go off having fun when he wants to, you should be strong and say NO.

Also it may be messing with dd's dad to have him moving in and out of her home. I felt it would mess with my dd's head when her dad and I were on and off, he stayed alot sometimes then she wouldn't see him for 3 weeks.

MUMDONEGOOD · 22/01/2009 20:34

I know I have to be strong. I am when he leaves us alone and comes and sees my dd twice a week. You are right amm, I do want him to be with us, but keep telling myself its not going to be. I need to be strong, after so many years you would have thought I would have moved on. It bothers me so much that my dd will grow up to be like me. I know the history behind the new president, but I think its different for girls.

OP posts:
skramble · 23/01/2009 00:11

Ah now you need to look at your MN name it is right, you just need time to find your feet. This time last year I was a sobbing wreck, thinking I couldn't go on. But I find my strength in my children, I had to make myself smile just for them, but then I started to find things to give me a reason to smile.

Start small and build yourself up, start with the little challlenges, maybe do something that scares you just a little bit, the things that terrify you can wait for a bit until you are stronger, in the future you will ba able to face these things but for now you just need to find your feet and make a good life for you and DD.

N1 I love yopur idea of camping inthe middle of the living room, my DD would love that.

I love curling up on the sofa with my 2 with a DVD and a big pile of popcorn.

Life goes on and so will you, there is a whole big wide world out there and you can get a whole lot more out of it that an arsehole that watches porn all day.

time to make your own now!

flaminhell · 23/01/2009 00:22

Take a breath, focus on what you want out of your life, see it, feel it, and keep hold of that. You are better, you deserve better, and you will have Better, for you and dd.

Your dd knows you love her, just get him out of your life/house, he's toxic, you dont owe him a thing.

Good luck

N1 · 23/01/2009 02:16

If you are afraid to go abroad, look for a plan "B".

Have you been on a train trip? Perhaps a day to another area to a place that sounds like an adventure. Just a mother and her daughter?

There are plenty of good ideas, you should have more problem picking an idea than thinking of one. If finances allow, choose a place to go and spend a whole day out. If finances are a bit tight, choose a friend to go to, so you save on an over night cost. Friends who live a long way from you are usually pleased to have company and if they have children, children love to make new friends.

The bloke coming to visit you sounds like a bad plan. If you got into a relationship, then the child's dad is still going to want what he gets now and breaking that habit sounds like it's going to cause a negative reaction. I suspect that you are hesitant to take a step forward because you don't know about the child's father's reaction. Get rid of dead wood, he and you are not going to be in a relationship that you can feel secure in. Watching porn says enough, then living with you and living with another girl...that sounds like a problem waiting to happen.

Life is fill of chances, some are not so good, some are good. Taking no chance is going to cause more regrets as you get older.

You feel low and like you are failing because you are not doing anything. Do something, don't expect to get it right the first time. Learn from your mistakes and discover what you like doing.

Life is for living, some people live a life, some people watch others live their lives. You only get one life. Your child is watching you and learning from you....what do you want to show her?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/01/2009 10:18

Hi again!
so sorry to hear that you're still struggling with him
as i've said before you do know the answer to this one
it's just a case of you finding the means to get to the point of standing up to him
do you have friends that you can discuss this with and who will support you thru this
as you will need alot of support to remain strong
there's also alot online that you can look at
i have mentioned a specific site on another thread 'baggage reclaim'
it will give you plenty to think about
working on your self esteem is also vital to help you not only now but in the future
it's something which alot of us on here have had to address since coming out of shitty relationships
you thankfully have your dd and yes her feelings do have to be considered in terms of her relationship with her father
i totally agree with N1 here
his last thought is very much my mantra
thou i openly admit that it took me a long time to get there

MUMDONEGOOD · 23/01/2009 20:56

Just reading all your comments help. Deep down I know what I have to do. Its just a bit lonely, I dont have many friends and the ones I do have are caught up with their partners. I haven't got a clue on how to extend my social life. Thanks for all your support you know it really means a lot to me as life would be even worse if I couldnt talk to you all.

OP posts:
N1 · 23/01/2009 21:41

What area do you live in?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/01/2009 22:10

it's perfectly natural to feel lonely as after all it is down to you and you alone to do it
and it's a huge step for you as this man has played a huge part in your life for such a long time and you have a dd together
i am glad that you at least find posting on here helpful
but i would strongly urge you to speak to someone in your RL circle if you can
you need lots of support right now and thou its great to come on here it's no substitute really
saying that feel free to rant and will always chip in if i can as i'm sure others will

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