Can anyone reassure me who has experience with CAFCASS?

[KumquatMaye]

Hi, I feel so desperate and worried tonite, is there anyone that can offer sage advice? I have just had an email from ex h, we split up in June and he moved out in October, I having found someone else after years and years of misery with ex h. Our main source of contention was that he wanted a seperate life from me and the children, (ds and dd aged 7 and nearly 2)and was drinking heavily.

We split up, and since then has has gone into overdrive to prove what a good parent he is, claiming to have stopped drinking, (although I have no proof of this), and becoming a school governor at our son
's school. Although at the moment he has every other weekend contact from Friday 6pm til Sunday 6 pm, and wednesday nights in the week with both children (which is about all that is bearable for me!) he now wants more time with them, an extra night in the week and says he is prepared to go to court, mediation and cafcass over this.

The thing is, he is a social worker and keeps saying that he has taken advice from experts, spoken to cafcass 'off the record' etc and says he will probably win 50% contact. THis is driving me demented. I have a very close bond especially with my 1 yr old who I probably over bonded to during the time when he would not hold her or have anything to do with her. I cannot believe that anyone would say she should have more time with him! It feels so wrong and the stress is making me ill.

Please help someone. What do you think his chances are?

How long has he been off the drink? This is a very similar situation to one my friend is in, even the wednesday nights.
Is it on record that he drank? did he have help from the dr?
I think you have to be off the drink for at least 3 years to get the custody he's seeking.

Have you got a solicitor?

Hi Dizzy, thanks for answering me! Yes it is on the record, I recorded my concerns about 15 months ago when we moved and had a health check with the new doctor. He then went along and said that I was lying because he was worried about his job...at that time he was drinking about 50-80 pints of beer a week.

Yes have just arranged an appointment for a solicitor for Thursday. Feel so scared.

It is also on the record that twice he has gone to the doctor (once sent by me) for claiming to be suicidal - my health visitor and his doctor have a record of this.

I can't say much apart from be strong (and I'm hoping this is right for both our sakes) but have some faith that the system will prevail and things will come good and be fair and just.

Good Luck x

Thank you...yes it's the unfairness that makes me want to choke. I feel with the youngest child that having left me alone from the moment he found out I was pregnant, right down to walking away 4 minutes after she was born, it is so wrong that she has to go and spend all this time with him. The childminder phoned me last week to say that she had been dropped off very distressed, not having eaten when it was gone 9am, all winter I've been battling him on stupid things like he refuses to wash their clothes ("that;s what I pay you to do") aaaaaarggggh sorry ranting I just can't bear it.

I hope too that there is some justice in the world.

Do not have CAT and cannot post any contact details, but please enable me to contact you, I have experience of this.

lets face it - if we could try out these men on their parenting skills before we have our precious babies with them - then we probably wouldnt settle with them in the first place.

Just think, your children will be sole credit to you, especially your little DD - and if he proves to be the enternal F up that you think he is - when your kids are old enough to know - they will - and they will make that decision for themselves.

BUT dont in any way take what I'm saying as proper advice - your those children's Mummy and whilst they are so small and vunerable, don't forget that YOU are the one that makes the decisions to protect them and keep them safe. If you truely think he will not offer them the standards of care you believe they need, then don't let it happen. Not even out of empathy for him

(I am bitter and jaded by the way....)

Hi there I am who I am - am happy to give you my email address, how can I do that without it appearing on the thread tho? THanks x

kumquatMaye, unsure about that. will see if i can set up a new addy for you to contact me. we do need to talk. back shortly.

Yes, only, I agree with what you say - the children won't always be so young and can judge for themselves. To be honest, I never put him down in front of them, and hope that they do go on to have good relationships with him for their whole lives. I just don't think that he can take the right care of them now, and if I don't stick up for them who will.

Because of my new relationship (which no-one in the world is going to make me feel guilty about ((apart from myself!!)) because I was so unhappy for so long) He regularly has been running me down in front of the kids, calling me all sorts of filthy names to my son, and generally encouraging him to disrespect me. When he comes back from a contact weekend, it takes me a day to re-adjust his attitude. It is heart breaking but I will not retaliate.

thats the worst thing - not knowing where your babies are when they are away - and then when they come back - the slightest thing they may do, makes you think that it is your ex's influence upon them.

Do NOT feel guilty about having a new partner, I cant imagine how terrible my circumstances would be if it wasn't for my new partner. He gives me and my DD all the love, support and care that I was expecting my DD's dad to do himself. Isn't it a shame. I resent my ex for that, for not being the man I thought he was...

life is full of testing things, it only shows the couragous (sp?) and strength we possess by the way we deal with these things and not let them affect us.

My ex was fairly transient in my life and lost interest - and I hope it stays that way. DD is 2 and hasn't a clue who he is, even though we shop in the same supermarkets etc and live 5 miles apart.

Sorry I'm waffling...

ok, hope this works, [email protected]

Thanks for your support onlywantsone, that's exactly the thing, god knows how I would ever have got the strength to leave without my new guys love and support, and it feels so great to have some love behind me as I go through these horrific things that I thought would never happen to me. I agree, the worst thing is that I feel so cheated that he let me down totally and now the kids and I are all suffering.

Have emailed you I am who I am ! Thanks.

reply shortly.

HI, am ratiher cheekily bumping my thread here (bit presumptuous! ) just in case there is anyone online tonite with pearls of wisdom to offer....

Does anyone think that there is a chance that the courts will award him more contact with my youngest so little and these background concerns in place? Have been trying and failing to get in touch with my own solicitor today and can't face another night without sleeping )

I wish my children's father had them 50% of the time but in practice you probably don't need to worry. Do you know anyone else who can testify to the fact that he drank a lot? How old are teh older children?

Also most contact works best when it is agreed so may be he could live with another night a week only and then leave it at that if he's not very good with them.

I don't think on principal children should be with mothers not fathers after divorce but in this case he doesn't sound very good. he might get better with practice however. Which of you works the longest hours?

Thanks Zenia. Well the drinking has been documented on both mine and his medical records,going back a few years. The thing is though, he managed quite well with it if that makes sense, it never made him violent or agressive, just withdrawn and fast asleep so it was always me seeing to the children.

I agree he might get better at it, I think in lots of ways he already has.

Thanks for commenting. x

Hi KumquatMaye,
I am a family lawyer. the sorts of comments your ex has made is what we call "b movie dialogue". the more threatening someone is the more anxious they are about their own position. so he has told you he has spoken to cafcass off the record. at best that means some mate he has given an inaccurate picture to. it is designed to make you panic and it is working. the facts are that you are the primary carer and you have not hindered contact (hopefully). i think it is unlikely that he would be able to change the status quo to a 50/50 split unless he could demonstrate something had changed, particularily as your little one is so young.
My tips would be:-

1. ensure that anything you say is child focused. always bear in mind that the court views contact as a child's right , not a parent's. you need to demonstrate that the current arrangements are in the best interests of your children and that a change would be disruptive.
2. in any correspondence or statements try to avoid attacking him personally. if you want to slip in prejudicial stuff then it should be in the tone of more in sorrow than anger
3. District Judges are not stupid and can see past moves that are designed to better one's position in litigation. His school govenor role is a classic but dont retaliate by making contact difficult
4. Your solicitor needs to flush out his case - he needs to be asked precisely what he believes the current problems are, what his proposals are (on a practical basis how does this fit around work, school etc) and how they will improve any problems
5. try to avoid costly tit for tat correspondence through solicitors about incidents over the w/e etc
6. do not feel pressurised into agreeing something you are not comfortable with. there should be a clear, calm response to him setting out your reasons (child focused!) as to why there should not be a current change to the arrangements but then the ball is in his court to issue if he wishes. do not be afraid of that. the court will list it for a conciliation appointment which is very informal. a cafcass officer may be there but your children (as they are under 9) will not be and no order will be made without your agreement.
7. if he does apply then cross apply for a residence order on the basis that he is seeking to undermine your role as primary carer.

My guess is he will not pursue it if you show strength. i would say your strengths are the ages of your children. the seven year old would probably find it difficult to to and fro between houses. dont over do the drinking argument as either he is not safe (in which case why has he had them at weekends) or he is.
sorry if this seems brutal, gone into lawyer mode
however, i dont know the full picture and so this shouldnt replace the advice you are receiving from your lawyer ( i assume a family law specialist)
good luck!

Worried, just having a little blubbery cry here, so glad you could help me tonight I knew someone on Mumsnet would hear my jungle call for help!!

Your advice all makes sense and is very reassuring. The one last thing that i want to check (and yes have taken your comments re: my own lawyer into account)is that when we were in the lengthy process of splitting up, he refused to move out for months on end and in the end would not go until I signed a separation agreement which laid out contact and finances etc. I deeply regret signing this now things have got more complex - but sign it I did.

It said that he would have both children on a Weds eve and every other weekend from Friday til Monday, and I suppose it was me who made the first change, since after a few tries, the Fri - Mon eve thing was clearly not working for the kids. Oldest (7) came back angry and agressive towards me, and youngest was unbelieably clingy since she had not seen me for days. I asked him to bring them back on Sunday night at 6 so that I had time to bed them in before the week began. I felt that since I work full time and he does too, it was minimal loss to him since he would be dropping them off early, but long time for me and the children since we would not each other until all of Monday had gone by.

It was me making this change that sparked off the new disagreements, although he has continually threatened me with the 50/50 thing, saying this is all the rage in custody cases! his professional experience really intimidates me as does so much about him.

Sigh.

Thanks again and huge hugs, I'm so grateful xx

the separation agreement you made really only has any force on the financial side of things (and only then if you took advice, had disclosure of his finances and were not under undue pressure). on the contact all it does it record what you agreed at that time. that may not suit changing circumstances - at best it is evidence that you could conceive of that working. a move to sunday eve to settle the kids before school etc seems reasonable.
shared residence and equal care is becoming more frequent but for fathers who have demonstrated they have had equal care traditionally.
do not be intimidated by his familiarity with the court system. the court applies one principle only - what is in the best interests of the children. as the person who has been responsible for them you are in the best position to assess that.
Fret not and just make sure your 7 year old doesnt end up feeling torn and that he cannot say positive thngs about his father to you.
x

I'm not just saying this but I do make it an absolute rule to say positive things about his dad. When he asks me the big questions about why it all happened and so on, I just reply that although Daddy and Mummy could not stop rowing and needd to be apart (just like his fighting hamsters!) Daddy is a good Daddy and they can still enjoy the good times together.

I hope this comes across if it does go to court.

Your comments have been more than helpful and I hope that one day if there is anything you'd like advice on, I can help you! (am a teacher...so, like, a spelling emergency?!?! lol)