Should I accept irregular, unreliable contact from ex rather than nothing at all?

[betsybunnkin]

My exh and I have been apart for over a year. He used to see our dc (5 of them!) twice a week and I used to think this was not enough. Little did I think it would grow worse and less frequent, but it did!
He refuses to discuss set days and times when he will visit and/or help with the dc. He likes to arrange a visit via email a couple of days before (usually a for few hours) then promise to contact again when he is leaving to arrange another.
He has been twice for a few hours each time in the last six weeks. He has never had dc overnight (saying he has nowhere to to take them as he is staying with a relation) and will often cancel at the last minute.
I confess I have threatened him before with arranging contact via legal avenues only as I find it stressful and upsetting to deal with this. He is too lazy and indolent to pursue access this way and has then promised to help more, but never follows through.
At the moment he is off work as was made redundant a couple of months ago. It makes me so cross to think he is doing absolutely nothing during the day whilst I struggle with four children under five. I haven't had a break since he left (sorry moaning).

I know I can't force him to help or see the children. I just don't know what to do next. He says he wants to be a father and see more of them but it is all just words.
He won't actually discuss the situation, just refuses and won't tell me of his intentions towards the dc verbally or in writing.
Sorry this is long, I am quite at the end of my tether. I want him to take his share of the responsibility as is right.
Is there anything I can do? I'm feeling quite desperate and weary at the moment.

Thanks for reading

Agree with most of what has been said here but think you should not rely on him for anything and certainly not for help. Once you see yourself as on your own it may be hard but you will never let yourself down.

I also imagine that the infrequent contact will have an effect on the kids and it is that which needs to be measured. If you can work this through with them and they accept he is a prat who never turns up and doesn't honour his promises but when he comes round it is fine and they enjoy themselves then that will be the best thing for them. As they get older they might vote with their feet as mine have done the real issue is to support their choices.

As for money I agree about the CAB and getting some advice as I am sure there must be a way to make things better.

hi betsy, read your post thinking i had it bad! have just come back from my xh's feeling really grotty & having him say he couldnt possibly have dd cos he needed a liein (he's just had a week off work with absolutely nothing to worry bout apart from himself!) arrghh, right, got that off my chest. cant imagine what life 4 u must be like, sounds like u r doing an amazing job just to keep your head above water...agreed with all the advice. one thing that struck me was your comment re being 'forced to apply for state help' - dont u think u & your children deserve all the help u can get?! there are plenty of people out there downright abusing the system (believe me i've met them!) & sounds like u could do with the help. just my opinion, but dont u think if u prevented xh from seeing dc he would just see it as an excuse? (sounds awful but thats what mines like). good luck.