Perhaps I shouldn't have asked.

[skramble]

exH dropped kids off tonight and asked about having them on Sunday, I am working on Sat so I was wanting the day with the kids on Sun.

DS had told me the other night he wanted more time with his dad (regular visits messed up over Christmas) but without his GF being there. He also said he wanted more time with me and wanted to go for a picnic.

So when exH asked I hesitated and said I wasn't sure about Sun (would be with his GF), he said fine but let me know.

DS was getting ready for bed so I decided to ask him what he wanted to do on Sunday, he wants to do something with me.

Now I feel bad for making DS chose, but after what he said the other night I didn't really know what he wanted, but I didn't think he would want to spend two hours in the car plus the rest of the time with dad and his GF.

So what done is done I did ask so I will spend the day with them, but now I have to tell exH that they will be with me, but..... do I tell him it was DS's choice? I don't want exH to think I am being selfish even though I really did want the day with them, he gets them on the one week night they don't have any activities and I wouldn't be running about. But I don't want him to think DS is chosing me over him, well I do really and I want to tell him it is because DS doesn't want to spend day with his GF, but that all sounds like shit stirring and I don't want the flack, but then I want exH to realise what his kids are thinking argh can you tell I don't know what to say?

how old is your ds? old enough to talk to exh himself? if not id just tell him that ds wants to spend time with you on sun and he could have another day instead? its worth mentioning that dc wants some quality time with exh without his gf, its a reasonable request, she doesnt have to be there every time.

I am a bit confused here - you wanted the Sunday with your kids, your DS wanted to spend the day with you as well, you have got what you both wanted and now you are worried that you are being selfish? I think the Sunday situation is perfectly reasonable, not selfish at all. Do you have a habit of putting others' needs before your own a lot?

Re. telling your exH about what your DS said, it does rather depend on how old your DS is. And then what dsrplus8 said. It is reasonable that your exH spend some time with his son, without the GF.

DS is 12, when we chatted the other night I did say to DS that he might need to talk to his dad about the GF thing himself, normally exh sees them himself on the weekday evening, but anytime at the weekend it is with her.

I think DS was feeling it because over Christmas exH didn't see them as much and it was always with her, the weekday night just before Christmas she came down too ( this is at MIL's not here btw). When he was at their house the kids spent the morning playing the wii while exh stayed in bed having pillow fights with GF (according to DD), if DD picked up on this I am sure DS knew they were em well carrying on. Not the kind of quality time I think DS is looking for.

BTW I was worried that I shouldn't have put DS on the spot and asked him to decide between a day with me or his dad.

I am also worried about telling exH that DS was the one who decided on where he wanted to be on Sunday.

I always try and put the kids needs first, (certainly not exH's), but I think the kids need time with their dad, especially when DS was upset, the whole GF thing just confused it all.

Is there an activity that your DS and his dad could do together that would not involve the GF? maybe going to a football match, or bowling, or fishing or something very "boys own, no gurls allowed"? That might be a way of introducing the concept to your ex..

Sorry just to chuck this in too.

I do think it is importnat that they have time with their dad without her, but if he lived closer then they would probably spend the weeknight at their house with him and GF.

Also if I had a live in BF (i don't) how do you schedule time alone with kids. I certainly would especially if DS said he wanted time with me alone.

Thats my problem I am overthinking it.

As for the boys activity, thats never really happened even when he lived here, DS has reached that age of 12 never having had a kick around with his dad (he left a year ago), ok they did do a few things together maybe once in a blue moon.

Trouble with encouraging boys things is that DD really needs her dad too, and the 3 hrs on weeknight and a sunday or a overnight stay every 3 weeks or so isn't much anyway. DD is quite happy with the GF maybe that is a girls thing as she isn't as comfortable with my BF as DS is.