Arrgh, thank you for telling me I was being too reasonable because I'm stopping now!

[anastaisia]

So; ex didn't turn up at the mediation appointment today. I didn't expect him to because he said he didn't want to, but as he didn't bother to cancel the appointment I thought he might still.

We had also arranged (again) to speak on the phone. I kept the whole afternoon 'clear' for however long it took. He called, I was in the bathroom. Left message to say 'oh well, he only had 20 minutes to talk anyway then had to be back at work.' I called back less than 8 minutes after his call and he'd already left the house.

Luckily I have lots of things I can use the time for instead - have got stuff organised, about to do some of my next essay. But Grrrr at him being such an idiot.

I am now stopping being bothered about how he feels about things. If he wants to take things further he can get a solicitor and tell them how he can't afford mediation, and needs to work so much that he can't take more than 20 minutes to discuss his daughter's life; but thinks I shouldn't have a nanny because he can have her whenever I need

Bumping for you.

Hi

Trying to be reasonable is crap isn;t it?

You get no thanks or appreciation for it and end up feeling more frustrated than if you had just done what you wanted.

I think that the problem with being the "reasonable one" is that your ex assumes that they can be a selfish toe rag and you will put up with it! Ironically I try hard to be very reasonable and yet Ex twists things to paint me as unreasonable.

You have my sympahty.

my sympathy too
have reached the conclusion sadly that reasonable gets you nowhere

have also reached the same conclusion and also get the same accusations! it sunds like a control thing; i.e., if you don't have a nanny ergo, (in his mind, anyway) you have to rely on him for babysitting his own children. x's are all the same that's why they're an ex!

I think the only way to deal with it is a) keep records of his unreliability such as today and b) don't depend on him for anything. Hire a nanny: he can't stop you - what he wants to do is be able to mess you about ie by offering childcare and then cancelling at the last minute.
If he doesn't turn up for mediation BTW a court is not likely to find in his favour because the courts generally think (understandably) that mediation is what people should do first, and someone who won't try it is probably not being either honest or fair.

After his unreliability last week I searched my email accounts and printed every single email we've ever sent to each other, am now going through the pile inserting little notes about what happened before each apology etc.

I never have depended on him except as a last resort. I have a fantastic family who up to now have been able to share the load of being the back up carer without him ever realising I had this in place. But having official childcare is realistic now my business is making a regular (if very small) profit, so I can concentrate on developing it more without imposing on my family more.

In practice I don't think my behaviour will actually change very much at all, but my attitude has. I'm not interested in how he feels about what I do now if it doesn't effect his time with DD.

And I feel really pleased that I KNOW that I have done what I can, even if he can't and probably wont ever recognise that because he only sees how things effect him and not all three of us. I know I've made the only decisions that will have the best outcomes for all of us, even if they aren't perfect for anyone (except DD as often as possible)

good for you anastaisia (((((((((((())))))))) xxx