Please help me sort my head out

[BurningBright]

Ex has never been a part of DD's life. He walked out when I was pregnant.

He now wants to start seeing her.

I am very unhappy about this. In fact, I'm so anxious and upset that I really don't know how to think straight at the moment. I know that my feelings are not relevant. DD has a right to know her father. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept and agree to contact.

I'm really struggling with this. I cry at the very thought of hime being near her when he hasn't wanted to know for almost three years.

Can anyone give me some ideas on how to deal with this? How can I keep my feelings separate and stop letting him cause me so much distress and anxiety?

If he hasn't wanted to know up to now then I would wonder why he is suddenly interested. New girlfriend, maybe and wants to show her off. Same happened to me after 5 years. 1 visit and he didn't see DD again.
You have to let it happen, unless he was abusive, but hope it is just a fad.
I know that's not a lot of use, sorry. Good luck x

Why are you so distressed and anxious? what about specifically?

Hi BB. I find the easiest way to decide is by identifying exactly what is upsetting me about the situation. So, if you don't mind me asking, is it any of these?

You want to punish him by witholding contact now that he's finally decided to see her?

You still love him and it will stir up old emotions to see him?

You think he will be a one visit wonder and his visits may tail off, doing more harm than good to your LO?

I know this sounds patronising, don't mean to be, but if you can pin the emotion down, you can plan to overcome it better ((()))

Thanks for replies. I'll try to clarify what the anxiety is about.

I don't want to punish him. And I definitely don't still love him. Life has been much happier and fulfilling without him and I realise now that he did me a HUGE favour by walking away.

If I could be sure that it would be a 'one visit wonder' I'd actually be quite ok with it. My LO is so little at the moment that a single visit wouldn't have a great deal of impact on her.

Mostly what it comes down to is knowing how much damage he did to me psychologically and emotionally and fearing that he could do the same to my baby if he starts having regular contact with her. She's so amazing and magical - I hate the idea of him draining that from her the way he drained me of my self-esteem and emotional resilience.

A small part of it is to do with resentment that I'm going to have to give up some of my very precious and limited time with my DD to accomodate him seeing her (I work full-time so I try to make the most of weekends and the couple of hours we have together on workdays). Of course, I'll be with her on any visits - he's a stranger and he certainly isn't coming anywhere near her if I'm not there - but I still feel angry that he gets to take up some of my time with her.

And there is a tiny, ridiculous part of me that is scared he's going to 'take her away from me'. Not literally or physically. But maybe emotionally. I know that isn't rational.

I've already said that I know this isn't about me. But divorcing my feelings from what is in DD's best interests is really difficult. The fact that I don't believe having him in her life will be in her best interests isn't helping. I know that DD has a right to know her father and that even if he stayed away from us now there will probably come a time when she's older that she will want to initiate the contact. So I need to deal with this. But I really don't know how.

I think he would probably want time alone with her, you can't really insist on supervising. He has equal rights. He would probably feel very awkward if you are around.

I think you feel very protective of her and don't want her harmed in any way. I found it very difficult leaving my DD with my MIL for a few hours. I know this is different but you want to protect her and that's natural. This must be really difficult for you. How old is she? Are you still BF?

Also, did you put his name on her birth certificate?

She's only just 2, so unsupervised visits are not going to happen for some time to come. He is a stranger to her.

Yes, still BF.

Yes, his name is on the birth certificate.

Ok, so still BF, there's your excuse for not leaving her unsupervised - she may need milk.
If his name is on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility and he could insist on taking her out. Let's hope he doesn't think of that one! My little one will be 2 in April and there is NO WAY I would leave her with a stranger, she would freak out for a a start!
Good Luck x

I've spoken to a solicitor and she said it wopuld be completely unreasonable of him to expect to take her out without me being there until she is comfortable with him. Any contact must be managed in a way that I judge to be at a pace that suits DD.

But I'm still finding the thought of it unbearable.

Phew, that's a relief. I'm glad you saw a solicitor.
I was thinking maybe he cleared off when you were pregnant because he couldn't cope with the thought of being a father, some men can't.
He has had a few years to get used to the idea. Maybe now he wants to do the right thing? Just a thought.

It's such a difficult situation.

I'm starting to get used to the idea that there will be contact with him and I'm even willing to consider the possibility that it is the right thing for DD (she had a right to know him and to know where she comes from, etc).

But it doesn't make it any easier.

He doesn't deserve her.

no he doesn't. It's very hard to be level headed and fair in these situations. Dealing with useless ex's that have just been downright selfish is very time consuming, emotionally draining and often doesn't even get you or your dc's anywhere. You needed time to get used to this, and you are getting yuor head round it now. it's a huge shock when you have to deal with something new, but dealign with this sort of thing is so huge, when it comes to dc's.

What will be WILL be, you have to ride it thru. (goes to tel herself same thing!!) he will either make a commitment to her or not. She has the benefit of being totally settled with you, and doesn't know him. What I mean is, that if he comes a few times then doesn't bother again, she will be ok. She hasn't formed an attachment of love and trust to him. My dd was 3 when her dad left.

She will be OK. I'll make sure of that.

And you are right, at this point in time he is irrelevant to her.

The main reason I'm trying to steel myself to facilitate contact is because when she is older and wants to know about him no one can ever say I prevented it. Even if he does lose interest and disappear again, I will have at least given him the chance.

Must be very hard when a DC has a bond with a father who then leaves.