ex and paternity test q's

[nissa]

I posted a while ago about the fact that I found out my bf was married. Everyone was very helpful then so I thought I'd ask some for good advice again.

Basically, ex is still deciding what to do about the baby. he says he doesn't know if he wants contact or not. I would prefer him to just leave me alone to be honest but I feel it's unfair to deny access to his child. So I am sat here not knowing what to expect while his wife sends nasty texts to me.

I have received a lawyers letter stating that he is contesting the fact that he is the father to the baby and will require a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. He has never mentioned this to me at all. He was there when I did the test and knows full well this is his child!

Can they force me to do a test? If I have not put his name on the birth certificate and am not trying for csa etc?

His wife has text saying they will do the test. They will be able to trace me no matter where I run to!

How easy is it for them to trace the baby being registered? They know my name and DOB and claim this is enough regardless of what town I'll be in.

I want things to remain as civil as possible between us and have never said I'll run and hide or deny him his child so I don't really know how to take all this anger! I know the wife has every reason to be pissed but I didn't know about her. She has forgiven him and directed it all at me. She is not the type of person I want involved with my baby so I was also wondering if I can stop her having access but not him? as his wife, does she have rights or can I stipulate it's only him allowed contact?

They can afford a nice expensive lawyer and know that I cannot. She has said that they are looking into shared access ie one week with me one with them. I am feeling totally bullied here and have an appointment with citizens advice but not till next thursday so want some help before then.

thanks for reading my long ramble.

I'm afraid I don't know the legal realities here, nissa, but didn't want to read and run. I remember your earlier post and am so for you.

The only advice I can give you is to keep all the evidence. Don't destroy any texts. If you can prove that your X-BF has been so flaky about the whole thing, I doubt that a court would grant 50% shared residency. It would be unlikely to happen anyway, as a newborn baby will need to spend most of its time with its mother, especially if you are breastfeeding (plan on breastfeeding!). By the time it's old enough for that to change, the status quo will have been set (i.e. baby resides with you) and family courts are very reluctant to change the status quo without very good reason, although your XBF could reasonably expect access of a few hours a week leading up to overnight stays and eventually whole weekends once baby is old enough (probably not before at least 2 years of age). That's just me talking from experience of seeing many people go through this though, not as a professional, so please seek legal advice.

Morality aside, don't consent to the paternity test without legal instruction to. Yes your XBF has a right to know his child (more importantly, your baby has a right to know its dad), and you shouldn't stand in the way. However, the longer you stall before allowing maternity to be proven, the longer the baby will have had sole residency with you and the more unlikely the court will be to allow shared residency. Again though, please seek legal advice and don't rely only on what I've said.

The wife sounds like a fruit loop! Unfortunately, I don't think you can prevent her from being involved. My advice (and I can't believe I'm saying this) is to be passive agressive. Be agreeable as possible but do the absolute bare minimum you are required to do by law (i.e follow an access order). My guess is that however hard she fights, he's going to give out, and without the father on the case... She and he are giving you very opposite reactions. They'll probably be each other's undoing and leave you and your baby watching from the sidelines in disbelief thanking god you're out of it!

Try not to worry about it. Good lawyer or not, unless they can prove that you are a danger to that child, intentionally or otherwise, they cannot take it off you or demand equal residency. the biggest plus in your favour is that they will be hard pushed to demonstrate that they have a stable family life (as opposed to you be a poor single parent and all that rubbish) because, er, the baby is a product of him having an affair!!!!

Good luck, and please try not to worry.

Hiya

If you feel the txts she is sending you are of a threatening nature (and it sounds like it) then I would speak to the police and see what they say. I really dont know if they can force YOU (as in your baby) to have a a paternity test, as you say if you are not asking for maitenece, I cant see that they can do this. There would be no reason to. Remember that anyone can pay a laywer to send a letter saying more or less what they wish, it doesnt seem to matter if there is a legal basis to the letter. It really just sound like bullying tactics IMO, they are stating what thye will do hoping you will be cowed when in fact it has no legal weight (obviously this needs checking with a sloicitor)

About the tracing you, well I suppose if you chuck enough money at something then I'm sure they could find you, but as you said you have no reason to hide (yet) so yet again this is bullying

Regarding access.. Optimist has said it well, I would stick to your guns on not allowing your baby out of your sight, yes if he wants access provide it but supervised by you and stipulate she is not welcome(chances are she wont let him alone with you). With the threatening txts you have every right anyway but even without as the Mum you really hold all the cards at the moment.

If he isnt on the certificate... and think we went through this before, he would have to be with you and therefore thats admitting paternity....I would let him do the running and stall for as long as possible. I would stick to your guns and refuse to do the test, if he wants to see your child he will, I think the test is for her benefit. I know how angry this can make you feel, my sons father told CSA he wasnt the father, said he wanted a DNA test.. I was sooooo mad that he could do that

I have to say this but it does sound like it may get very messy with a lot of vitriol from their side (her really) but think you know this. I really think you should see about some legal advice. I dont think they will make it easy for you but remember a lot of it will be angry threats, really if they want to see the child they should be molly coddling you not being vindictive. Maybe a solicitors letter to them stating that you will not do a DNA test as there is no reason too and if they want to arrange access to contact your solicitor etc. Or maybe take the tack thAT if they want a DNA test then you will arrange via CSA.... might shut them up

He can probably demand a pat test through the courts if he goes to them saying that you are refusing access and denying his paternity of your child. I.E. he can go at it the other way round to try to get access rather than try to avoid having to pay IYSWIM.

However, if you are not denying him access and you are not asking for money then I think a court would be hard pressed to grant him any of his wishes. He is very clearly being unreasonable (or his wife is - which is probably closer to the truth). Courts do not like people who use the court system to bully or intimidate.

In any case a court will likley recommend that you go through mediation first and may involve Caffcass to look at the family situations etc. His behaviour will not score him any points with a court, mediator or caffcass.

Keep evidence of intimidation - in fact keep evidence of all contact, do not get drawn into discussions that are designed to upset or hurt you. If the wife is really troublsome than go to the police with evidence and see if they will have a word as harrasment is taken seriously.

Can you download your texts to your computer? If you can then use that to keep a record of everything, add your notes of any phonecalls (good and bad). Be unbiased and honest - if you get angry record that too. Police and courts value a person who trys to do the right thing and is honest whereever possible.

By the sounds of it, if they actually get you into court, you will not really have any trouble. The process is intimidating but you are in the right here.

Finally (phew - that was long!) sorry you are having to go through all of this, it must be increadibly tough

nissa are you eligible for legal aid, can you go and have a free session with a solicitor ?. I think you should make it clear to this woman that you will not correspond any more with her and that she is not to contact you, and that you will contact the guy when the baby is born and take it from there, if she keeps sending you nasty texts then seek advice on harrasment, she wants shared care now, what more is she going to want when the baby is born ? I dont think you need this stress in your pregnancy, and I dont think she will trace you unless she had the money and the time to hire private detectives, I think you should change your phone number and see what happens after the baby is born

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I am going to find out about my rights and see where we go from there.

I have been saving the messages so can use them if I need them. I just want to be left alone until the end of my pregnancy. i will contact HIM when the baby is born.I think more then anything, I am insulted by him saying he needs a test. I'm sure eventually that will fade! If he so desperately wants one he can have it but only once I know exactly what his intentions are regarding contact.

I understand that she is annoyed but she is directing that at the wrong person and he is throwing me to the wolves to save his own skin.