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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

please help can anyone offer advice regarding mediation/ divorce issues?

15 replies

jazzpants · 07/01/2009 17:33

hi can anyone please offer me any advice, my husband and I seperated march 08 and have since had 3 mediation session's as we have joint financial commitments which i would like to seperate so I am free to start afresh.
My husband does not stick to any rules that we agree at mediation and we have still not been able to seperate some of our joint finances (dueto him being unwilling). He has now cancelled the last 2 mediation sessions and will not make another untill he is ready (his words). I am reluctant to close the case and go back to my solicitor due to how expensive court costs could be? can anyone advise me on this?
but unfortunately it has come out of woodwork my husband has alot of debts, he was always in charge of finances so was not aware of the money he was spending/wasting and heis a very difficult man.A part of me thinks solicitors and courts will be the only way forward we have a 22month old little boy and were married for 5 yrs though together for 10yrs. I am only 29 but feel 99! as this has been dragging on for a while, I do not know anyone else in this position and would really appreciate some advicex

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 17:41

hi jazzpants
will try to post later about but doing mummy stuff!!
if there are other things that you need to know ask away as happy to help if i can or sure another mn-er will do

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 19:20

it's in his interests to continue with mediation
the process sets everything out clearly and details everything as agreed by both parties
a memorandum of understanding as i remember
when the court see this document they are happy to allow the decree absolut to be read
if your exh wants to leave things it will just go backwards and forwards between both solicitors with obvious nastys added to fuel the fire and push up the costs even more
mine dragged on for 13 hellish months btw
and it was kept out of the courts too

Original poster

jazzpants · 07/01/2009 20:37

thankyou for your reply, I should have mentioned husband has never had legal representation throughout this time and does not seem to be taking the situation at all seriously, though might I add he will be moving in with his trollop shortly.
I really would like this sorted throughout mediation as the cost of courts scare me! but I do not believe for a second that husband has any intention of making another apoointment.He is very good a burying his head in the sand and not dealing with reality. it suits him to continue as we are as I am still in the property and paying mortgage and bills and he is enjoying his new found freedom.I am just stressed and want to move on with my life.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 20:41

what has your solicitor advised?
I take it that you havent got to the decree nisi bit?
and lastly why are you solely paying mortgage/bills?

Original poster

jazzpants · 07/01/2009 20:59

my solicitor has advised that I can close mediation and start the court proceedings, which like I say am reluctant to do. At the moment I am currently entitled to legal aid so struggled to find a solicitor to help me. Although I am in process of changing jobs and in the early days of starting a better paid one so do not think I will be entitled to legal aid in the near future.
When I told solicitor that from the day he moved out June 08 I have been paying everything, all she said is that obviously he isnt supposed to do that but he is free to stop paying the mortgage if he wants as houses are repossed all the time now, although this wouldnt be in his best interests!
no we havent got anywhere in the last 3 sessions like I say husband agree's things one session and doesnt do them the nxt session.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 21:11

legal aid is a bit of a grey area tbh
thou i was at the time in a low paid p/t job i was told that i would get legal aid
at the end same situ with income but because i was seen as gaining financially from having the larger share of the sale(whenever it happens-still waiting!!)of the family home
i was told that i no longer qualified so now have a charge hanging over me which will be enforced once the house sold

Original poster

jazzpants · 07/01/2009 21:24

this is what worries me, if we go to court husband is likely to contest everything as he is a control freak, so in yrs to come I will be paying for this divorce instead of rebuilding my life.
Apart from praying for a lottery win just do not know what to do????

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 21:38

can anyone else out there help please?
think jazzpants needs some more advice/inspiration

monty27withbellson · 07/01/2009 22:09

Hi JP, I was married to a particularly vindictive man. We only had two mediation sessions (over contact with dcs NOT finance). We couldn't agree and went through the courts to commence battle. When the dcs issue was sorted we then proceeded to sort the finances, they don't do both at the same time.

I was granted some sort of legal aid (means tested on earnings) so at the end I had to pay every penny back when the finances were settled. However, while on legal aid, court costs are reduced, there's a different pricing structure by the barristers etc so my bill wasn't as hefty as his. But believe me, if you want me to I will tell you how much it was and you don't want to go there. I had to remortgage to buy him out and pay the legal fees. Saying all that he stood in court and said to me that he would spend every penny of equity in the house on court fees before he would back down. That's how vindictive he was is. The tricks he pulled and lies he spun (one of which was his girlfriend was having a baby, which she was, but not to him - and she wasn't even his girlfriend! I fell for it hook line and sinker and was actually really pleased that he was going to have a family again and thought he deserved some money to set himself and new family upj. I only found out after the settlement that it was all lies) sorry couldn't resist the bit of background info there. He had originally gone off with a friend of mine but in the meantime had broken up.

All I can say is every case is individual. My barrister wanted to carry on with the argument and didn't want me to 'back down' but I know I was fighting a losing battle and wasting money. They seemed to not care and let you go round and round in circles.

Best of luck to you. You do well to do a bit of background research on costs. In my case it was 'well how far to you want go take it?'

Original poster

jazzpants · 08/01/2009 20:30

thankyou so much for your advice, this is what worries me as solicitors seem to want me to spend as much as possible! I just started a much better paid job so do not think I will be entitled to legal aid in near future.
I have been polite regarding my hubby so far but to be honest he is vile!! and I do not know what he is capable of as he has been nothing but difficult throughout this time, including bringing his tart to stay in our home while our toddler was admitted to hospital, gambling and taking drugs behind my back, although we were together 10yrs it has turned out I was living with a stranger!sorry just my brief rant there!
I thank everyone for all the advice, and monty I hope that you are in a better financial position now and everything is sorted xx

OP posts:

Monty100 · 08/01/2009 21:00

Hi JP, I have a fairly reasonable job. We separated 11 years ago and the divorce took 5 years. I had to pay every penny back to legal aid when we settled. I bought him out, the dcs was awarded maintenance, the settlement 6 years ago.. I haven't had a penny from him for 4 years now.

I wish I'd had sense to ask for the house in lieu of maintenance but you live and learn. He has gone bankrupt now so there's nowhere I can turn and I just get on with it.

I'm OK though, thanks for asking and you will be too.

JZ7 · 09/01/2009 21:32

Hi I just want to let you know check all the small print with legal aid and once a final agreement is made sell your house and invest in a smaller or new home. The reason is that I know someone who stayed in the family home with kids and got legal aid but has to sell the house when youngest is 18! But the legal aid is not free and she will have paid 8% interest for 14 years of which is paid through family benefits!
Legal aid stuff is grey area as private business give advice that makes them benefit the most even at the expenses of other tax payers and Government funds!

Monty100 · 11/01/2009 20:51

That's right, it has to be paid back, I remortgaged to pay off exdh's settlement and enough to pay off legal fees at the same time.

Original poster

jazzpants · 12/01/2009 22:03

gulp!x

OP posts:

Monty100 · 13/01/2009 23:08

I think they 'means test' it. Just be aware of where you stand. Good luck.x

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