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advice needed please regarding cafcass

11 replies

iliketosleep · 07/01/2009 14:58

A very quick post will add more later as have to dash to school lol

Just got back from cafcass with dd1 8yrs, cafcass man has forced dd to agree to visits she doesnt want to go to even though dd said she does not want to go and is quite obviously taking his side. what can i do about it? I will add more details later but any help welcomed.

TIA

OP posts:
ohappydays · 07/01/2009 17:55

Sorry whats a cafcass?

iliketosleep · 07/01/2009 22:14

its a sort of mediation for seperated families going through the court system.

ok longer story is, dd has not seen 'him' for about 2 and a half years off her own back, i have not tried to stop her going whatsoever. When he came to pick her up she went to the door and told him she did not want to go. He said thats fine maybe next time, eventually after about 3 months of this he stopped turning up. About 12mnths later i get a letter from his solicitor saying i had stopped the contact, i kept saying dd was ill or making up excuses. We retaliated and sent him a list of all the times he did not turn up or dd had said she didnt want to go we heard nothing back until around june last year, then it was a court summons that came through. The court ordered that we go to cafcass.

At the time i was 7 and a half months pregnant, cafcass is around 6 miles away from my house there is never anywhere to park and a 2 mile walk from the town center is not rare.

Mr cafcass man called me in, ok fine we talk, mr cafcass calls him, mr cafcass calls me in again 4 days later, mr cafcass man then calls me in again 5 days later, mr cafcass man then wants t do a home visit which wasnt a problem but on the day he was supposed to come dd fell face first onto the pavement and had split lip bloody nose etc so wasnt in the mood for talking, mr cafcass asks me to bring dd in 2 days later, i say yes ok but on the day dd2 and ds's school phone me to say both have the runs, i phone mr cafcass and say i will still bring her but it wont be possible to stay to long as little ones are in the car with dh (he would take me to avoid the walk). He saw dd for 20 minutes. Next came the court report, he stated that i cancelled the home visit and cut short the next, the court clerk told my solicitor that she hopes her client will be more co-operative next time. Yet another court report to be done.

38 weeks pregnant I get called in yet again he talks then wants me back next week i say not a chance it will have to wait until i have had the baby, she was due the 17th aug so i said the middle of sept thinking she would be about 4 week old and i would be feeling ok, as it turned out she was 10 days overdue and was a very traumatic birth which shook me up some. when she was 2 weeks old (middle of september) he phoned and said will you make it up to see me? I said no im not very well after the birth she is only 2 weeks old blah blah blah he said oh do you know when you will be better? I said no but he phoned twice more that week. Then we had another court case that called for more time on the cafcass report.

November i agreed to go back up there so did and talked again, then he wanted me to take dd up to have a contact session with him, not cafcass man, and we watched it from behind a two way mirror, the session didnt go very well dd did not want to be there and spent the whole time yelling you did this you did that to him (things he had done during visits) he denied it obviously which wound dd up more as he was lying. Anyway it wasnt a good visit.

Part 2 is to come but my laptop batery needs charging so will update in a sec. Sorry its so long!!!

OP posts:
iliketosleep · 07/01/2009 22:46

PART 2 lol

During the contact session he brought up the fact that dd said she hated him dd said i know.

Anyway todays contact session, He said it would take half an hour, an hour later she came out and her face was on the floor, i asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. He asked if he could speak to me quickly i said ok, then i noticed dd run over to my mum who had come over with me and start crying. I went to the room with him and he had basically said he was going to do a thing where i take dd to there every school holiday so she can have a contact session and this will go on for a year. I'm to sit in the waiting room for an hour while it goes on. He said dd needs both parents I said she has my DH has brought her up since she was 4 weeks old. I told cafcass man he is a nasty violent bully who knocked me uncontious by slamming me against the wall, he smacked dd when she was 3 weeks old as she was crying, when dd had overnight visits he wedged the door shut with a broom handle so they couldnt leave the room, his girlfriend pulled her up the wall and smacked her, i told cafcass man this and he said if he was so bad would his girlfriend be with him still??

When i came out I said to dd you ok she said "no i dont want to see him and i was forced to agree" then asked cafcass man if she could change her mind, cafcass man said i will ring your mum tomorrow and talk to her first.

Its obvious he applied alot of pressure to her even though she said she had told him she didnt want to see him but he went on and on and on at her.

I thought cafcass put the children first? It doesnt seem it to me!!

Is there anything I can do to change anything about it??

Sorry about such a long post i just really need help and to get it off my chest

OP posts:
Mamazon · 07/01/2009 22:52

you need to get your solicitor to request that your case be reviewed by an alternative Cafcass officer.

And unfortunatly there are a great number of women who do try and play the system so as inconveniant as these dates are you really do need to see them as a priority. otherwise it can look as though you are not taking the process seriously which will automatically go against you in teh officers mind.

Lauriefairycake · 07/01/2009 23:00

They do put the children first and hopefully she will have proper supervised contact at the centre with her dad. When she's this young you will have to put your feelings aside about him and be positive about her having him in her life otherwise she won't be able to come to terms with it.

And you definitely need to vent on here as he sounds awful and I'm sending you lots of sympathy.

iliketosleep · 07/01/2009 23:25

But she doesnt like him and doesnt want to go to the visits. Nothing good can come from the visits apart from me sitting there like a knob dd being somewhere she doesnt want to be with someone she doesnt want to be with and him rubbing his hands together as he got what he wants AGAIN! Its not fair I have not tried to manipulate dd at all i have said that if she wants to go then that is completely fine by me but she has said defiantly not, she used to be scared when she went with him and it has scarred her she struggles at school and wets the bed, she did start getting alot better over the time he was away but its coming back again now she has gone from not wetting the bed all for 6 months to wetting the bed 3-4 times a week for the past 2 months my poor baby

OP posts:
iliketosleep · 07/01/2009 23:30

also why am i running around while he sits back doing naff all, i have a house and 4 dc to look after whereas he has never worked a day in his life is now aparently claiming disabilty as they know how to work the system and lies in bed all day. grrrr i hate him so much

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 07/01/2009 23:32

ok, but the stuff you posted has happened on non-supervised visits - hopefully on supervised contact he will have to improve and she will get to trust him.

She's 8, she doesn't get the option yet of never seeing him and I do not think in any way you're manipulating her but she is picking up on your feelings. You have posted that she has a dad (your dh) and with the best will in the world she's going to pick up on your animosity/ambivalence towards him.

Sorry for what you're going through.

Lauriefairycake · 07/01/2009 23:34

It really comes across how much you hate him and it sounds like you have good reason to.

If you continue to take her you can look back on all this and she will never blame you for trying to stop her seeing her dad - you will have done all the right things.

mummyfantastico · 08/01/2009 03:55

I'm so for you and your dd.
We had a really good CAFCASS officer who listened to xh first, then me. She told me xh would probably get what he wanted because it was not unreasonable.
Then she listened to the children and suggested to the court that the contact already taking place (what I wanted) was what should continue to happen.
What I'm trying to say is that she really did put the children first, so it may be worth trying what mamazon said and ask for a different officer.
Good luck!

iliketosleep · 08/01/2009 23:59

He phoned today and asked how dd was yesterday when we left, i said she was quiet and upset from then until I picked other dc from school then she perked up. He asked if she talked about the meeting and i told him what she had said, that she felt like she was forced to agree, he said he can see how that happened I said she had told me that she did not want to go with 'him' and she did not like him but cafcass man carried on, he agreed once again. !! He said he is going to write the report but is going to ask for yet another adjournment and wants to see dd at the end of feb. In the meantime he is going to see 'him' and tell him what dd has said about the situation and if it might be worth just throwing out the application. I said yes thats fine apologised for being a complete bitch yesterday and explained it feels like everyone is kissing his arse and i dont want to, he said i can understand but as the mother i am stuck in the middle, thats fair enough. So now we wait and see!

Thankyou so much for your advice you helped me see im not the only one going through it xx

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