Am i being a Dram Queen about this????

[Nixz]

Im quite new to Mumsnet but i really need advice. My Ex lives in Essex, i live in Lancashire. About once every 7/8 weeks he comes to collect our 4 year old daughter. He drives nearly 300 miles to collect her, they both drive 300 miles back to his home,they usually get there about 7pm Friday night, then on sunday at about 3pm they do it all again. My problem is that she drives 600 miles in 48 hours, she doesnt sleep well when shes there, she lives off ice cream and MD's etc etc and when she arrives back home it takes her a week to recover and her Eczema is really bad. All my friends and family complain that its too much for her to handle and say that she needs an extra day there or he needs to visit her at my house and have her stay at holidays etc. I dont know what to do, does everyone do this and as usual im being all dramatic about it?? Please help, he's coming on friday for her!!!!!!!!

I agree about consistency. Sorry he's being an arse about food. Wrt the distance, why is it so far? When you were together where did you both live? I do think it's too far really and ideally and I thought our journey was too far Devon - London too. Mind you, we did it for 3 years although it was a PITA for everyone. It makes a huge difference now the journey's only 2 hours door to door. Is there any scope for either of you moving?

I moved down south when i was 19 and we met there, just before i gave birth - i moved back up north with my parents as we didnt have a place of our own and he was being posted to Harrogate and we were gonna start a fresh there. He then got deployed to Ireland, Afghanistan and macedonia so the posting never happened, 2 years on he took on a new job in a recruiting team where he spends most of his times at shows etc, just before i moved back down south for us to be together, his HQ moved AGAIN, i had started work and a uni degree so me and dd decided to stay up north for now as he was getting out of paras. He changed his mind, we started to seriously fall out (he is extremely possesive and bad tempered/violent at times and didnt like my new found independance) so we split up in the end after months of heartache and really bad times. Then after 18 months we tried again, this lasted 3 months and ended in January. I was very angry about it as i was scared it would have upset dd and confused her, she is very deep though and if it did affect her, it hasnt emerged yet. He had a very very unstable and messed up childhood which involved drugs, prison etc so i dont think he quite gets the basics of what you do as a parent also we can not even be in the same room without animosity being present, but this is not the reason for my questionning his parent skills and the distance she has to travel, i am sincerely concerned for her wellbeing, which is why i asked for other opinions. He says he can not commit because he doesnt know what he will be doing in work, when we were afamily, he had lots of time off, i dont think for one minute he is devoting as much time as he could to her, but thats where i think he doesnt understand the basics of being a parent, once he has done everything that he needs to do, then he see's it as having spare time for her - there is also the cost involved aswell - sheesh, sorry to go on guys!

Ah, so really it's another way of being controlling then, this refusal to consider her best interests re food. Sorry, sounds horrible.

do you mean him going against my requests? He has to be the boss kind of thing - as in neandrethal caveman (sorry, but he is male!!!!!!) I never thought of it that way.

Yes. He doesn't sound entirely reasonable if he was possesive and violent and didn't want you to be independent. I think you have a right to ask for consistency about times and arramgements though, even if you can't make him feed her decent food. I think a court would agree, were it to ever get this far (and I'm not sure it should, I really think trying to resolve it amicably is best for everyone)

WWW, i tried that approach once before through a solicitor, it went on for months and we never got anywhere, it was tit for tat for ages. He can get a letter from his CO saying that he can not commit because he is in a rapid response team and sometimes is on 24 hours notice. I know for definate though that this is just a control thing as he said it in a 'if you do that i'll do this' manner. It sounds impossible doesnt it - i have tried heaps of things, even offered to pay for mediation and stuff. My main concerns are the travelling and the frequency of her visits. I personally think the travelling is 'doable' for her but i think the frequency of the visits are pretty poor.

ps, thanks for all the advice, its really great to have the opportunity to discuss this, it feels good just getting it out my head!

Nixz, oh, sorry to hear this. The only thing you can do then it seems is change the way you respond to it and how much you let it upset you and help your dd to deal with it as best you can. Maybe he'll get nicer? Maybe she'll get old enough to tell him herself that she'd like some consistency? Maybe don't hold your breath for the former though. Welcome to mumsnet.

Thanks www, i think your right! Only time will tell, i just want to make sure dd doesnt have to go through cr*p times to get to the good bits

What about his parents nixz - does your DD have a relationship with them?

not really, bout once every 12 months, his mother is like no one ive ever met, ex and her have bad relationship. She does/has done some terrible things in her life, most of which include drugs, alcohol and....how can i say this?? Evil and mostly done to her son. Which is sad because my dd remembers everyone she meets and loves family.

btw, they live in glasgow and i have tried to get them to see her more, sent them pics, emails offered to visit put them up at my modest little council house . maybe thats were xp gets it from!

Oh nixz thats . Just mentioned because I wondered if you might be able to have a quiet word with grandma and she might be able to put some pressure on but can now see that that wouldn't really work.

your not being a drama queen.

but i will suggest going to your doctors and (if im wrong tell me) cut it down from every week to twice a month overnight, and if hes willing to spend more time with her he needs to come to u and see her during the day.

definatly as this behaviour is aggravating sleep problems, bad food and exzema.

let us know how it goes.

lusciuos, he sees her once every 8 weeks not every week, sorry if i confused you, i do tend to waffle a lot on here!