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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

bit of a rant, but also advice again please...

14 replies

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 10:04

I posted about mediation a few weeks ago. We've both been to the first free session. I qualify for sessions free but apparently ex has to pay the highest charge (I genuinely did not have any idea that his income was that high and don't know if I actually believe this)

So he says he can't afford to do the sessions. If the income really is so high I don't have any sympathy - I don't ask for any money and he has computers, games consoles etc.

But I agreed to talk to him about whether we needed to go ahead with it. We arranged a time to meet while DD was in an activity session. He then said he'd rather not meet in person so I offered to phone him at the same time. Although meeting to talk primarily about mediation I also had a couple of other things (childcare, a holiday, days he wants to see her over the rest of the month) that I wanted to discuss.

I phoned 31 times in the time we had arranged and his phone was off.

I am thinking that I will just email telling him that I wanted to talk about decisions but because he was unavailable at a pre arranged time I have made the decisions on my own and tell him what I have decided will happen now. Is this a good idea or will it undermine the fact that I'm the one who requested trying mediation and there is a session next week. The thing is that the things I wanted to talk about have deadlines - the holiday is for a wedding at the end of the month, I need to know dates to arrange work and childcare, the new nanny I wanted to tell him about and invite him to meet before I decide whether to offer her the job is actually downstairs having some time with my DD right now!

He always does this though - avoids things he doesn't want. When I booked antenatal classes he said he'd come, rather than just tell me he changed his mind he started a fight a few hours before the first one so that neither of us would be up to going. It didn't work because my family stepped in and my brother got me there and my mum got a taxi to it and came with me as my birth partner. But similar things have happened before.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 07/01/2009 10:14

Emailing him is a good idea, but dont tell him what is going to happen, put forward your suggestions of what you think should happen now and invite him to put forward his own in reply, if he doesnt reply then you have every right to go ahead with your own plans

Mention that you could not contact him at the agreed time of the phone call and give him the opportunity to arrange another time to talk, put forwarded a suggested date and time as ask him to let you know if that is not convienent

keep your emails as evidence that you have tried to be reasonable with him

Original poster

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 10:50

As we were going to talk about mediation, while DD was at _ from 5.15 to 6 yesterday, I had waited to bring up a couple of other things so that we would be able to talk about them at the same time.

I tried to call a number of times in the time we had agreed, but could not get through.

If you still want to talk about the mediation sessions let me know when you will be available to meet and we can re-arrange.

I wanted to find out when else you would like to see DD, as we discussed before it would be helpful if you could let me know dates at the start of each month - although if last minute changes are possible I don't mind extra times being fitted in. I only have 2 more dates on the calendar untill the end of January though. A question mark for the on Friday this week and Tuesday next week for __ visit. I have been saying yes to meeting people and arranging activities for Sophia because I cannot wait until the week itself to plan things. If you let me know when you are free I may be able to rearrange some things.

Because we're both working now we need to rethink childcare. I have found a nanny who will do short hours because she already works for another family part time. I am thinking that if I ask her to do 20 hours then we can work the hours around you seeing DD and any things we each want to do with her. If you have another suggestion then please let me know, otherwise I'll make arrangements with her to meet DD a few more times (they've met briefly and are having a short play today while I'm here anyway) and to meet you if you want to while references are checked etc.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is a holiday. We've been invited to a wedding in Chicago, one of my cousins. I hasn't been mentioned because I couldn't have gone anyway - but my dad has offered to buy tickets from money from the sale of my Grandad's house. I'm seriously considering gong - but it has to be done quickly because its at the end of this month. I wanted to find out what you though before I made a decision but I think it would be a great opportunity as apart from the day/night of the wedding we could have free accomodation.

If you have any thoughts or suggestions about any of them can you let me know by email. As some things need a fairly quick decision I'll need to hear back in the next few days or will have to go ahead with planning things.

How does that read? Think it always feels different to the writer because you know how you mean it to be 'said'.

OP posts:

Original poster

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 10:58

As we were going to talk about mediation, while DD was at ___ from 5.15 to 6 yesterday, I had waited to bring up a couple of other things so that we would be able to talk about them at the same time.

I tried to call a number of times in the time we had agreed, but could not get through.

If you still want to talk about the mediation sessions let me know when you will be available to meet and we can re-arrange.

I wanted to find out when else you would like to see DD, as we discussed before it would be helpful if you could let me know dates at the start of each month - although if last minute changes are possible I don't mind extra times being fitted in. I only have 2 more dates on the calendar untill the end of January though. A question mark for the on Friday this week and Tuesday next week for visit. I have been saying yes to meeting people and arranging activities for DD because I cannot wait until the week itself to plan things. If you let me know when you are free I may be able to rearrange some things.

How does that read? Think it always feels different to the writer because you know how you mean it to be 'said'.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 12:16

think it is really sad that he wont attend mediation
my exh and i did this and it really helped to settle the financial side of our divorce which we were basically clueless about
i think the email reads well
and loathe as i am to say will be proof if needs be thatyou have been resonable if you then have to leave things in the hands of solicitors
is he stalling by chance as hes hoping for a reconciliation?or to a certain extent burying his head in the sand?
from your pov it would be beneficial if he sorted himself out as you dont want this whole saga dragging on and on
he also needs to be made aware that the longer it drags on for the higher his legal costs..and if it ends up in the family courts then we're talking an awful lot
have you had your decree nisi yet?

Original poster

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 12:35

We've never been married - or lived together. He's not on the birth certificate at the moment; first he kept threatening to leave so I didn't trust that he would be a part of DD's life. Now he has shown he is going to stick around I wanted to get some things in place about how we would deal with sorting things out jointly (hopefully through the mediation) and then add him to it. DD is 3 going on 4 by the way.

We've been 'over' for nearly 3 years - but yes, he would like to be together. I find I have to be more unpleasant to him than I feel like being because even polite friendliness gets him started on how we ought to be together.

He threatens to go to court, I say well yes you would get name on cert - but you wouldn't get anymore access than you already do. I'm glad that he sees DD and let him as much as he asks to. But now he's started working he's too busy to see her as much as he was - and is down to a couple of times a week (like one longer day and a lunch or similar)

He sabotages things I try to do by messing around with times he has DD or turning up late/bringing back early, but kicks up a fuss when I make alternative more reliable arrangements. He comes back to old arguments about US when we try to talk about DD, which is why I thought mediation could help keep us more on track.

He has never paid child support in any form except he once did give me £20 for something. Although he does do things with DD when he has her and he does buy her things like clothes when he can afford to (which bugs me because I have to do those things een when I CAN'T afford them).

Mediation is only about DD - contact, how to build up to overnights, how arrange things so that we can sort out future problems on our own, a rough outline of a parenting plan for her future, that kind of thing. I don't want money from him because he's controlling and will think it gives him rights over my spending. I will know it doesn't but I'd rather he spent it on DD or saved it for her and I didn't have to deal with it. I am supporting myself and DD, and even managing treats etc (admittedly with cheap rent from family, and tax credit help at the moment, but with potential to make significantly more if I can have real childcare instead of haphazard stuff from him with my family stepping in to help out, hence the nanny)

He thinks I don't want him to be involved - but I can't make him see that if I didn't I wouldn't have let him form a 3 year relationship with DD just to get rid of him later

I do want him to be involved as an adult though, not as another child type figure I have to manage and placate when things don't go his way (things I have no control over too, not things I'm 'doing' to him)

OP posts:

Original poster

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 12:36

when I say leave, I mean the country; just disappear type of thing. Not just leave me.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 12:44

he does need to make regular monthly payments
for dd
this doesnt give him control over your spending have it paid by dd into a separate a/c if needs be
he does need to sort things out if he wants to remain a valid part of her life
i think that you are being very reasonable fwiw
you could have the csa on his case
lets hope he realises this

Original poster

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 12:49

I think I'd be happy to suggest in mediation that we set up an account to pay for her activities, equipment, trips etc (she's going to be home educated so does more than her fair share of 'extra-cirricular' groups)

Then we each pay a set amount in, him more than me because I pay for her main home. And then we pay everything for her out of it. I felt that would be a happy medium. He wouldn't be 'giving me money' so he wouldn't be able to up the questions about what I do, he already grills me about my life (if I'm going out, if I'm seeing someone, etc)

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 13:03

think that sounds more than fair
but in mediation it could be made clear that the amount he pays could be subject to annual review in the same way that his salary is
also look at life cover and medical cover too
if his company provide this make sure her name is on the docs

oldraver · 07/01/2009 20:20

Can I ask why you need to discuss your im pending holiday with him ?? are you going alone and hoping to leave your daughter with him or is she going as well ?? If she is going with you there is no need to discuss anything with him aprt from if he will be missing some contact. You have said he tries to scuppers your plans so dont give him any reason to do this. There is waty too much info in this paragraph

......The other thing I wanted to talk about is a holiday. We've been invited to a wedding in Chicago, one of my cousins. I hasn't been mentioned because I couldn't have gone anyway - but my dad has offered to buy tickets from money from the sale of my Grandad's house. I'm seriously considering gong - but it has to be done quickly because its at the end of this month. I wanted to find out what you though before I made a decision but I think it would be a great opportunity as apart from the day/night of the wedding we could have free accomodation.....

I would reword it stating that you are going and when and he will need to re-schedule contact (if thats the case)

Original poster

anastaisia · 07/01/2009 20:57

DD would be going with me, but she's never been out of the UK before - I suppose that's why I feel like it needs some discussion. He doesn't have over nights, so I wouldn't let him take DD that far away without talking about it. And although its different because I have full time care I still think that's a big deal. I would want my thoughts taken into account if I was the NRP, and even if I don't go with what he says; at least I'll know I've behaved the way I'd want him to. Honestly - if he had a REALLY good objection I wouldn't go, but if its only that he doesn't get to take her anywhere and I do then the answer will be 'well when we attend mediation we can look at ways to build up to overnights and then trips away when DD is ready'

I do agree that there was too much info/explaining in there though. I'm taking out all the mentions of where the money is coming from out; that isn't his business. And I might try and find a way to make it sound more like I am going to go unless there is good reason not too, than like asking permission.

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

anastaisia · 10/01/2009 01:33

so, I sent an edited version of the email on the 7th. I also sent a text to him on the 8th to let him know I had emailed.

I haven't heard anything at all from him. Is it long enough to go ahead with the things I want to do (hire nanny and book the Chicago tickets) or have I not left it long enough to 'be reasonable'? - like its at all reasonable to completely disappear without a word for days when you have a child. If he doesn't have a good excuse and isn't dead then he has some explaining to do to DD.

thanks

OP posts:

citronella · 10/01/2009 10:04

I think given the length of time you have been 'over' you are being far too accomodating of his ways.

You don't need to consult him over the holiday, just rearrange his contact with DD

I think he is playing mind games with you and you are falling for it because you are so reasonable and they are messing up your life because you can't plan anything concrete and move on.

grumpalina · 10/01/2009 10:33

Totally agree with Citronella. You are being much too accomodating and all this uncertainty must cause you stress. I am with the father of my two although we don't live together and he is very lacksadaisical about arrangements. Not because he's being difficult just because he's a very spur of the moment type of person and seems to find planning v difficult.

I work shifts and the boys have various commitments so I can't be left hanging by a thread wondering what's happening all the time. I tend to tell him what's happening and I always confirm with e-mail so I have an audit trail and then if there are any issues it's up to him to object/inform me. I send him an e-mail even if he's stood right next to me as I've lost count of the times he's tried to tell me what plans he has and I have to remind him of pre existing arrangments I have already told him about.

No one would think you were unreasonable to plan a holiday with your DD. You don't need to ask his permission as you are the primary carer and one with PR but you would obviously inform him out of courtesy in case he was planning alternative arrangements at that time.

Your life will become less stressful and take control. I think at the moment he is like citronella said playing games and I think if you started telling him what was happening rather than being so accomodating he would maybe get his act together a bit more.

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