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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Broken up with violent ex, and glad but feeling the stress.

18 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 05/01/2009 19:30

I am in the process of going to the coucil to make a homeless application as I cannot stay in my property any longer I feel unsafe as ex knows where I live.

I am going to have to go to court to give evidence against him which I am worried about as have never been to court before.

And he hasn text me 3 times asking to see dd even tho his bail conditions state he can not contact me direclty or indirectly. If he wants to see dd he must contact me through a solicitor. Which he has not yet done and it has been 3weeks.

I just feel that everthing is going to be so hard for me for a long time now. But i am hoping everything will turn out well in the end.

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 05/01/2009 19:33

You have done the hardest thing and thats leaving - really good luck to you x

dittany · 05/01/2009 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantpickyourfamily · 05/01/2009 19:47

i didn't actually leave him as we were not living together but i will not be getting back with him.

I have told the police and they said they would arrest him as he broke bail conditions this was 2weeks ago before I went on holiday, but I had to make the report first.

I reported it yesterday and they are not going to arrest him as he only spoke about dd in the text.

But the point is he has broke bail conditions so should be arrested.

I have got my sister who is supportive but that is it. I have not told anyone else and have not really got many people that I could rely on anyway.

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kattyd · 07/01/2009 15:35

In the same situation, waiting for first court dates.
The hardest part is over you left!!... if you feel unsafe and need to get away have you thought about a refuge? Not the easiet place to be, and difficult as your friends and family can't visit, but it helps knowing that you are safe.
I had to leave my home with my dd for 8 weeks, but exh eventually decided to leave once asked to pay the bills. The best bit was making friends with people in your own situation and having support whenever you need it. They can also help you with re-housing.

cantpickyourfamily · 08/01/2009 19:14

kattyd - sorry to hear you are in the same situation as me it is very stressful isn't it.

I was going to go into a local refuge but it is now full so I have contacted my local housing office and am waiting to hear back from them.

I just want to live some where else were he doesn't know I'm there as I feel unsafe putting my rubbish out at night.

God this is so hard, I feel it is going to be horrible and stressful for a long time before it gets better.

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Mamazon · 08/01/2009 19:22

i would imagine his bail conditions are to not contact you. but if your Dd is his daughter then he will be able to successfully argue that he HAS to be in touch with you with regards to her.

As for teh council, be warned that they probably wont be very helpfull.

I was once told that "domestic violance is a police issue, not a housing one!"

I would advise speaking to someone from shelter and asking them for some advice. the council will come up with all sorts of gumpf and they can tell you the best way round the red tape.

well done for leaving though, it really is the hardest step to take. as tough as this current situation is it's all downhill from here.
promise

cantpickyourfamily · 08/01/2009 19:33

mamazone - his bail conditions state that if he wants to see dd he must contact me through a solicitor, which he still has not done 3weeks later.

I spoke to the dv helpline and they said the council will try to fob you off but as I have got a crime refrence number they will have to take it sersiously.

So have you been in a similar position yourself? and if so what did you do re housing in the end?

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OptimistS · 08/01/2009 20:57

Hi cantpickyourfamily. Congratulations on making the hardest step of all - leaving. You should feel proud of yourself.

I sympathise. When I first left my ex, I was terrified. I even boarded up the letter box because I was frightened he might firebomb it or something. In the end, he did very little apart from trash all the furniture and belongings I'd left at his place when I fled and miss no opportunity to verbally abuse me/threaten me when he saw me. I stood up to him each and every time, but without losing my temper (one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I am so proud I held fast). After several months, once he realised that he wasn't going to be able to intimidate me or bait me into responding, he just gave up. Just like that. Then moved on to the next victim, pour soul (he's now in court for beating her up!).

Have you spoken to women's aid, or the domestic abuse liaison officer at your local police station? As your ex is going to court for abuse against you so your risk is documented, I think you're entitled to help to make your house safer. You can have a panic button fitted, direct to the police station, and someone will review your house security, etc. I know someone who had this done, though I didn't resort to it myself.

Might this be an option for you instead of moving? You don't want to spend the rest of you life living in fear, wondering if your ex will be able to find out where you live. Maybe it's better to make sure your current house is safe and stand your ground. It also sends an important, defiant message to your x. Your call, of course. You know your x better than anyone.

Violent men should never be underestimated, so treat what I'm saying with caution, but, in many cases, once you have stood up to them and made it clear their behaviour won't be tolerated, they often back off. Pressing charges is one way of doing this. Is your ex stupid enough to antagonise you now you've gone this far with proceedings? IME violent men are most dangerous when you try to leave. This is when deaths happen. If you can make it as far as leaving, which you've already done, and actually go as far as pressing charges, which you've also done, they are much like schoolground bullies. Stand up to them and they start looking for easier pickings. Of course, you'll have wounded his ego so he'll probably be an arse whenever you have dealings with him for the forseeable future, but not necessarily dangerous. And it will settle down. I never thought it possible, but 2 years later, my x and I can actually sit down for a coffee and a laugh. I'll never forget what he's done to me, what he's capable of and what things I will have to watch for regarding his relationship with the DC, but while I have no respect for him whatsoever, we are now very amicable. Ironically, I think he now respects me in a way he never did when we were together because he knows I won't take his shit. Sometimes I think I intimidate him!

Regarding the breaking of bail conditions, the police may not proceed against your ex with this, but you should still tell your own solicitor, as she can bring it in to the court proceedings if relevant, and can also bring it up if you have future court dealings about access, etc. A good solicitor who knows about abusive relationships can use the actions of men like your x against them. Instead of intimidating you, they end up hanging themselves with their own rope.

You're a strong, capable woman. I've read many of your posts on here. You're a survivor and will weather this, I've no doubt. You've already made the most difficult move. Hold your head up high and refuse to let this man dictate any more of your life. Well done you!

OptimistS · 08/01/2009 20:59

PS cantpick. Check out 'a positive thread on being a single parent'. So many of us come from an abusive background and have moved on so far since then. Everytime you feel overwhelmed, remember these stories and that THINGS WILL get better.

cantpickyourfamily · 08/01/2009 21:13

optimists - thank you for your post, it is good to hear things ill get better, I know they will eventually but it is just that I need to stay strong to get to that point...

I reported him to the police a few months ago when he was violent towards me and they decided not to take it to court and he continued to contact me while all of that was going on. Everytime we had an arguement he would say thats it i'm on my way down to try to intimidate me. So that is why I want to leave so he cannot do that any more...

I had a solicitor when I last had problems with him but have not contacted her this time, she was a trainee and I did not feel she was that good really, I'm not sure if I should contact a new solicitor or stick with her. Not sure what would be best really.

Also I have spoke to someone else in order to get an injunction but I cannot do that yet as there are still bail conditions in place...

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Mamazon · 08/01/2009 21:19

my childrens fatehr was extremely violant. at one stage i had the police writte a report to take to the council to say that they had been called ( by neighbours) 52 times in 6 weeks.
it was then that the council worker gave me the imortal line.

because teh house was in my name they refused to help. they said that i could get injunctions (i did) and that it was the police's job to protect me. he broke the injunctions time and time again but the police never actually caught him on the premises as i could never get to the phone until he had left.

in the end i could take no more and went to a refuge. the only way i could ever be free of him.
when i tried applying as homeless i was told thati had made myself intentionally homeless because i had willingly left my home.

it took me almost 6 months to argue that i had not intentionally got beaten daily. and that it was unsafe for me to return.

they eventually agreed and passed me over to a specialised housing association that deals with people who are vulnerable and need housing assistance.

As i say. they WILL try and fob you off. you will need to fight tooth and nail and never take no for an answer.

cantpickyourfamily · 08/01/2009 21:27

oh god that sounds terrible, I do not know why they would think you were lying, like you wanted to live in b&bs etc when you have a nice home else where.

I hope everything is going well for you know, I can't believe how these people can make women feel that they are in the wrong for needing help.

Was this quite a while ago or recently?

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OptimistS · 08/01/2009 21:34

Oh this sounds awful!

Again, try contacting Women's Aid. I bet they have legal connections that will tell you exactly where you stand on this issue and what you can do about it.

Start keeping a diary and evidence of everything your x does from this point on. It may come in useful. Also, if you can think of past events that may have been witnessed by othes, that may back up your case with the council.

Unfortunately, Mamazon has it right when it comes to the council. Sadly, women like us who have just left a violent relationship are like wounded animals, who just want to find a safe, quiet hole somewhere and retreat, not take on a massive, uncaring bureaucracy. It's a tall order, but needs doing. If it helps, just imagine that they are your ex and that everytime you say no/fight your corner you are smashing your x in the face.

Mamazon. Even though I know your experience is all too common, I'm still at the attitude you experienced. I hope you're justifiably proud of what you've achieved.

Mamazon · 08/01/2009 21:50

i first started going to teh council 2 years prior to leaving. i went at least once a week every week begging them to help me get away from him. all they did was tell me to go to Womens Aid.
Ds is Autistic so i was reluctant to do so as i was terrified of what a refuge would be like.

eventually i did leave, when DD was 10 weeks old.

i spent the 6 months it took to convince the council that i was genuine in a refuge. It was nothing like i'd imagined. It was a very large building, not a home but comfortable. i had my own room with en suite, my own section of a shared kitchen and access to the comunal rooms and large grounds.
it certainly wasn't a holiday but i enjoyed my time there, as odd as that sounds.
it was nice to be around staff that understood and other women who had been there and knew how i was feeling even without saying a word.

sadly the ex managed to find me whsilt we were at the housing association so my parents moved and i followed.
we have been here almost 3 years now and i am really happy. i have a whole new life, new man and the children are happy.

it may take its time, you may have a few set backs but you will reach somewhere happy soon enough.
As i said, you have already taken the hardest step.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 08/01/2009 22:23

I don't doubt what the others say about the council but I have to say they were brilliant with me. I had the police involved, and social services, and both of them intervened with the council and between them all we were re housed in a different area, 250 miles away, despite the fact that ex wasn't even living in the house anymore (I had an injunction against him). Most councils now have an anti domestic violence policy, and will help if it's unsafe for you to be in that house.
I also managed to get an anonymous entry on the electoral roll, as I didn't want to be traced. Again with a letter from the police the council agreed to me being listed anonymously.
So it's not all doom and gloom . The thing is you have to not give up, you have to keep asking and asking until they get fed up with you!!! Good luck

sleepingwiththeenemy · 08/01/2009 22:26

Forgot to say that we were also ina refuge. This one was really nice, self contained flats so we had our own kitchen, bathroom and bedroom/living room. We even had a tv/dvd player, and the kitchen was fully fitted. If nothing else it gives youa chance to stop and draw breath and experience what life would be like without living in fear, as it's totally secure. The staff will bend over backwards to help...it was a very positive step for us.

cantpickyourfamily · 11/01/2009 10:07

Mamazone - that really does sound like a terrible experience, I'm glad you have moved on and are happy now.

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cantpickyourfamily · 11/01/2009 10:11

sleepingwith - it sounds like you got alot of help, but maybe that was because you were in a refuge, I tried to get into our local refuge as they seemed like they would help out so much with housing and the legal side of things like going to court for access for him to see dd. But they were full so I am going to go directly to the council, I am going there tomorrow so I will soon know if they are helpful or not.

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