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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can anyone chat with me for a while right now please?

42 replies

OneDS · 04/01/2009 22:05

Technically I am not a lone parent yet, but I am so sad, on verge of breakup, will have to move with DS, start again, sort out finances, tell DP that this time I really am leaving, it is not a pull your socks up warning.

I feel so overwhelmed and sad and lonely.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 04/01/2009 22:58

look after yourself One, take it one day at a time.

I can't really help on leaving/benefits etc, but feel for you atm.

TimeForMe · 04/01/2009 23:02

When I left my exH an appointment was made for me with a lone parent advisor at the same time as I applied for benefits. I went to the appointment and saw a lady who checked my application and then went on to see the lone parent advisor. She was WONDERFUL!! I had been feeling exactly the same way as you but she made me feel like I wasn't alone, she gave me every single piece of information I needed, she took time to talk to me on a personal level, she reassured me, she was just great. I left that meeting knowing I had done the right thing. Also, she was with me every step of the way, right back into work again. I will never forget her or the help she gave me.

You are going to be absolutely fine. If you are sure that leaving your H is what you want to do then move forward with confidence. A whole new and happy life awaits you

Pria · 04/01/2009 23:07

Sorry you are having such a sad time. Your local council could help with a rent deposit scheme you could give them a call ask for Housing Allocations/homeless team.

Really hard to keep thinking clearly in these situations i konow, In my crisis times, I always seem to make matters worse by taking action to quickly and landing further in the . You have nothing to lose by taking your time but looking at all your legal, financial and emotional options. Wish you lots of luck.x

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 04/01/2009 23:08

GOod luck ONeDS. You are doing absolutely the right thing because there is no way on earth your marriage can be fixed. You are being brave and strong and self-aware - it may even help your STBXH to find some backbone and self-awareness too.

Original poster

OneDS · 04/01/2009 23:38

Couldn't sleep so turned laptop back on

Thanks everyone, TimeForMe, did you go into the benefits office to apply for benefits or ring up? I will try calling my jobcentre plus on their direct number in the morning, your experience of getting your benets sorted sounds quite positive.

Pria - I didn't know about things like rent deposit schemes so I will defintely look into that thanks.

Solidgold - that is just what I needed to hear I have to believe this is the right thing for us all in the long run, and it is only me that can do it.

everyone I don't want anyone to feel I am ignoring them - thanks

In a way it is good I have to give my clients 4 weeks notice as they may or may not use it, but it gives me time to sort things out in terms of housing and benefits.

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 04/01/2009 23:47

I rang them OneDs. I was asked all the necessary questions over the phone and then just had to sign the already complete form when I got to the benefits office. It was a very positive experience, you have nothing to fear

Original poster

OneDS · 04/01/2009 23:51

Okay thanks, didn't know if anyone else would still be up!

I am going to try and sleep again now, will pop back on tomorrow when I get chance.

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 04/01/2009 23:56

Ok, think I had better go and try and do the same

You sleep well and try not to worry, dream of your new life

Original poster

OneDS · 05/01/2009 10:23

Well I have called benefits line and have an appointment to go in on Friay morning, have called estate agent and have a viewing thursday.

Now I need to tell DP and clients . .

OP posts:

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 05/01/2009 10:26

fantastic - sounds like you're making positive steps

Original poster

OneDS · 05/01/2009 10:29

It's very scary but it needs to be done {tremble}

OP posts:

moosh · 05/01/2009 16:52

How you doing OneDS. I was in exactly the same position a year ago. I could no longer stay with Dp, I had to move out with both Ds's, had know where to live I had a very tough couple of months to tell you the truth. But a year down the line, I am doing ok. I have a new job and somewhere new to live (I am a little scared about that as I don't know my neighbours e.t.c. and hope they are pleasant to live near). Its not ideal but it will do for 18 months and we'll hopefully move nearer to my ds's school when I'm earning more.But I am ok.

I can understand your nerves and fear because there is alot to sort out, benefits e.t.c. and going it alone is not easy but it is very brave decision. But you will get through it. You can only look at these steps positively. The next thing I'd like is few dates under my belt this year to get that "femme fatale" back and I'll be laughing.
And in a years time you'll be giving someone the same reaction I have given you. Good luck girlie .

brazenhussy · 05/01/2009 17:41

Hi OneDS

I think I said to you on your other thread that I had never paid a bill in all my life til my DH left us in October. Now with the help of the lone parent advisor and the tax credits people I have all the bills in my name , am resposible for all the finances as well as the DC and I love it!!

Today I signed the lease on our new house and things are improving every day.

Being on your own after an unhappy marriage is so empowering (daunting yes but no where near as bad as you imagine)
You have the ideal job for being a single parent and that will help you cope and give you some focus.

I wish you all the luck in the world xxx

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/01/2009 17:48

Your meeting on Friday should be with a Lone Parent Advisor. If you are not seen by a LPA, ask for an appointment to be made with one. Sometimes Lone Parent New Claims interviews are done by Personal Advisers.

Original poster

OneDS · 05/01/2009 22:20

There will never be a good time for us to talk about this, and you know what I am like for tears (I am sobbing writing this).

We need to face the fact that we are not happy, and cannot make each other happy. We cannot change who we are as people, and staying together we will end up resenting each other, and never having the chance to fully be ourselves.

I have known for a long time but was hoping it wasn?t true, kidding myself and scared to face the fact they we need to move on. I went in your work bag last week looking for pain killers and found two old mobile phones in there. I have seen the pictures. I have also seen the two discs of delted word porn. I don?t know if you even know what you want, but you will never find out while we are together. I have tried to experiment and it?s just not me, and I know that neither of us can truly keep the other happy. Living like this is ebbing away at me, my confidence and self esteem, and you are unhappy too I know, it?s not a nice atmosphere, it?s strained and uncomfortable.

We have been drifting apart for a long time, and it won?t get better as I feel scared of what I might find next that I don?t know about, that you will take things further without me knowing, or worse, I will stay here avoiding the fact we are both unhappy and become old and miserable, resenting you. I don?t want to resent you.

We have had 8 years together and a beautiful boy, we have been through a lot together, and I want us to carry on being good parents and friends for that gorgeous blue eyed boy of ours who needs to grow up seeing us showing friendship and respect for each other, and seeing us eventually finding ourselves as individuals and being happy in our own company and skin.

I love you. But I can?t keep living with you.
I gave all my childminding parents my four weeks notice yesterday.

I will be looking for a house nearby to keep Cody local for you and nursery/school. I need to put the car up for sale at the weekend, as I will need to find a rental deposit, and we will have to talk about stuff in the house (but that can wait for now). Ideally I need to work the four weeks notice, as I will need the money, and can keep paying towards mortgage until end of month which will help you too. You will need to think about a lodger maybe, and see what benefits you may be entitled to.
Please come upstairs and wake me up, we can talk until I take Cody to school.
PLEASE DON?T HATE ME.

OP posts:

BobDowne · 06/01/2009 09:34

OneDS are you ok this morning?

Please let us know how you are.

FeelingOld · 06/01/2009 11:36

OneDS - sorry not been on in the last few days.I too am a childminder but i have managed to move house (into rented accomodation) and managed to keep working and keep all of my minded children despite moving 3 miles from where i lived before. I moved on a saturday morning and started working again on the tues.

My kids are older and are coping remarkably well but it has not been easy for them or me, but i am so glad now i made the move, i could not have carried on living in the same house as my ex any longer.

Once you find somewhere to rent take all the details into your local council office and they will give you the forms to fill in to get housing benefit, cant help with other benefits cos i am working and get child and working tax credits.

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