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[Anon8]

Can anybody help? I am in a dreadful position. I left my abusive ex-husband two years ago and he has since filed several applications for residency of our two children. Contact has always been difficult but I have forced the children to go and a SRO was in place. The eldest child ran away from his fathers and my ex took me back to court for residency on the basis I was the problem that the children would not see him and was alienating them. The Judge decided to transfer residency immediately and give contact to me but no staying contact. My ex has always had staying contact. I cannot make sense of this. My children have run away from him 3 times. The Police took him back to his father. Has anybody dealt with anything similar or any advice?

oh god that is crazy. your children keep running away yet the judge transfered contact to your abusive ex? what ages are your dcs. did they give their side of the story?

i don't have any personal experience and i'm not in GB so i don't know the law. i hope someone will see this in active convos and be able to help more.

you poor thing.

Surely there must be more to this story than what we have heard here. Courts don't make decisions about residence without very good reason.

In the same way that mothers (quite rightly) usually get residence, courts over ever do what is in the best interests of the children.

You would think so. There is a long standing history (2 years) of court cases with F continually building a story and managing to convince key people that I am preventing contact. In my case I have been so badly let down by the legal system. Even the Psychologist appointed said well we could try and see what happens!! They are experimenting to see if the children will settle down but they have now run away three times from their F to be back with me at home. This is a complete miscarriage of justice. If I read this I would probably think as you do - there must be more to it - but I assure you there is not. if anyone has any advice or has ever been in this position any advice greatly received on how I turn this around.

Anon8, so sorry to hear what you're experiencing. Unfortunately, I find it very easy to believe you. Abusive men are oh so good at painting themselves as calm, reasonable victims of a vicious hysterical female ex. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Although it's an American book and deals with the US court system, it is useful to the UK too. It has a whole section on residency post break-up and will explain what is happening to you and what you can do to redress the balance. I think he also wrote a book called "The Batterer as parent" (or something similar), which also deals with access arrangements, etc. While there will be legal differences between your own situation and what he describes in the book, it will hopefully point you in the right direction.

In the meantime, my advice would be to follow your contact arrangements to the letter and ALWAYS remain polite and reasonable with any dealings with your ex or the courts. Give them no ammunition. Also start keeping a diary, recording everything, in detail, that happens relevant to your case, e.g. the children saying why they don't want to stay with their father, or your X behaving abusively towards you. Also try ringing Womens Aid. They will sympathise and try to help and may even be able to direct you to a new family law solicitor who has understanding and experience of dealing with access issues following the break down of an abusive relationship. It is vital you get someone like this, rather than one who doesn't understand about abuse.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

OptimistS thank you for your support. This is exactly what happens and the Judge 'prefers' his account time and time again as he is so detached. I am staying grounded and trying to think rationally. I will get hold of those books thank you for that. I am keeping a diary and have been in contact with Womens Aid for over a year - they have been fantastic. JACAT are now involved. Has anyone any dealings with this organisation?