I've had enough, my ex is upseting me too much and I just don't know what to do anymore

[odearyme]

My ex left about 18 months ago. He was verbilly and emotionally abusive, and I've spent the last year trying to come to terms with the last 6 years. He is the father of my youngest Ds, and he still sees him.
He has moved 300 miles away to another city, so can now only manage every other weekend, his choice. He has just had Ds to stay for the week after Christmas, and dropped him off saying "see you at the end of the month."

The meagre every other weekend has already wound me up, he thinks we should be grateful as its so difficult to travel, but now he thinks it's fine to just not bother for a month. I work and will now have to arrange childcare for two weekends.

He also has 6 months left on a loan he took out in my name, and just laughed in my face when I asked for this months installment.

I have tried so hard to rise above all this, but after 3 minutes of him standing at my door basically telling me what "he" would be doing has had me in tears again. I want to tell him to just get lost and apply to the court for access (which he would be unlikely to get going on him behaviour) but i depend on the little time he has Ds2 for working and my own sanity.

Sorry for the ramble, but I just don't know what to do next

It is such a shame you are having a hard time of it. Why is it he was stood on your doorstep? Cause you have made sure he sees his dc - bet if you left things he wouldn't carry on doing the travelling and it would dwindle to no visits.

sorting your own child care is an option, even for weekend it is possible. Then you will not have him stood on your doorstep making you cry.

I know the sensible thing to do, It's his choice to see him every other weekend, I just feel he's decided everything. He left me in debt, an emotional wreck and has spent the last year telling me how amaxing his knew 20 year old gf is. I know it's pathetic but it still hurts.
If I could find childcare I would tell him where to go, but I don;t actually think I can cope without these weekends alone, He#s left me so low, but then seeing him is the only thing keeping me miserable!!

DO NOT TALK TO HIM... about anything other than what NEEDS to be discussed about your DS.

My Ex did this to me for 2 years before I finally put a stop to it.

Find a way to pay the debt off yourself, sort out some childcare and dont even talk to him about it. You are just feeding him with emotions. You will end up paying the debt off yourself and having to sort childcare out anyway... give yourself the self-esteem to know you havent let him know how much it affects you.

As for talking about his girlfriend, why on earth would you want to discuss this with him?

No, i dont talk about her, just get text all the time saying how good she is at everything.
Thing is I can't pay the debt off, it's massive and he uses it to get at me.

How did you put a stop to it out of interest?
Everytime I try to be stronger and more adult he ups the nastiness and he always knows how to hurt me. I'd gladly never speak to him again, but we need each others numbers for Ds. i know it sounds like excuses, I hate even reading what I've writtedn, just need some strength to get through it

Its really hard I know.

I basically stopped asking him for anything. And told him I would only talk to him about bare essentials, which was basically what days/times he was going to see my DS. I insisted on a set schedule so I didnt have to negotiate with him on when he would see DS.

Also, I refused to let him in the house and always had DS ready to go when he turned up.

Do you still care about him? If not, what sort of things does he say to hurt you?

If you cant pay off the debt, can you re-finance and defer payment for a bit, or at least reduce the payments by spreading over a longer period?

Do you think he will pay it off or not? Or is he just saying he wont to keep the conversation lines open?

I,ve tried everything with the loan, but its with my bank so can't change it. He has paid some till now, but uses it to get me to do what he wants.

The things he says to hurt me are things about my age (im 31) and how i am saggy with strechmarks etc! Im stupid, I have a horrible house (he doesnt pay maintenence and i pay his debts, so its a bit hard to move on financially)

What hurts is that his new gf sides with him, and they both make out Im lying about past events, even though I have proof (police reports etc)

I dont know why it bothers me what anyone to do with him thinks but it does

I dont have feeling for him anymore, im now releived hes gone but I am lonely and being on my own means Ive given up lots of sports activities I used to enjoy. I am so angry and resentful of the unfairness of it all, but I know getting like this is only hurting me more, but i can't rise above it

Sorry his new gf sides with him?

Of course she will otherwise it would be like putting a sign on her head "I am a total wankeress"

Dont get into a situation where you are having an argument with him and his gf - hun walk away and flick two fingers at them.

They want you to rise aove it or whatever so just flick the fingers or finger and walk away if they contnue talking "lalalalalala" is very childish but by god it works with the like of them and even better

i have never done lalallalala out loud only in my head - it works even in your head and they have no idea your not listening. Although i can help have a silly smile on my face when doing lalala in my head.

This may all sound really stupid - but it works

texts - never ever never get inot a text argument or even conversation - no no no

dont answer and if you must answer a question about visit etc then make sure you answer and nothing else.

Stop playing their games with them and they will be left playmate less

it really is a case of talk to the hand cos I am not listening to your crap.

new year new start

No need to be strong just dont listen to their crap - end

Thanks Ivy, i know it makes sense!!What do I do when he tells me he's just not turning up for another month though, I have to just accept it and it's infuriating

Your not coming for another month

big fat silence, no facial expression and que turn and shut the door.

No need for farcicale stuff like bye. I actually never ever get into conversation and the door is opened and I walk back to kitchen. he never now gets out the car as he gets no reaction or argument so not worth him moving his fat arse...it took him a while to realise as he is a bit thick - but eventually he realised I just dont speak to him - end.

Infact if he has email do all communication by email for visits and only answwer if needs be.

No it is not ideal, it would be great if parents can even though parted still communicate about the kids - but in some cases it just isn't going to work.

So rather than let your kids see one parent belittle the other all the time better to not have verbal communication and stick to few emails as possible to sort visits. emails are always only ever about visits or holidays nothing else.

ohdearyme, the only way I deal with my x is by removing his opportunity to make snide digs or remarks.

Also, I spent a few months desperately pleading with him to pay off my barclaycard bill. He was very controlling, we'd no joint account, I had to buy shopping on a visa card, so when I left, I left with debts, which he wouldn't settle.

I paid them myself, which I shouldn't have HAD to, and it bothered me a lot at the time, but it did help me forget about it.

My x is a shit. A complete shit. SO I NEVER communicate with him. NEVER. My Mum does the handovers and I don't text him, e-mail him, nothing. It's pointless to ask for money because that would give him power. The power to wind me up and upset me. So we manage. Only just mind you. But there's a freeedom of sorts in that.

I KNOW there will be people who'll think that's not good for your children etc etc... But I can't be civilised and reasonable and sane for TWO people, I can only be that myself. So, without the power to make him be reasonable and civilised, my 'technique' for dealing wiht him (and staying sane!) is to not deal with him AT ALL.

Can your Mum/Sister/Friend handle the handovers??

Oh yes, my mum used to say to me "your x was bitching about the price of a cup of lunch" and that used to infuriate me as he has so much and gives me nothing, so now, my Mum doesn't report back anything he's said to me. Whatever gripes bitches moans he has, he might as well be talking to the wall.

It is working for me. 12 months of trying to reason with him did not work.

I know it's the right thing to do, I do manage most of the time though, but xmas seemed to set things off again. I thought i was being nice letting his see Ds fir a week, even though I wanted to tell him where to go, and now he's messing up my work rota again.
We did try parents for hand overs, but his mum is unreliable, and mine are sick of him, though I might try it again for a quiet life.
After a year, things are easier, the debt will be gone by summer and I am now working, but I am really down still, I count the hours until bedtime and pace up and down.

The next step I think is to change my number and just communicate by email.

The weird thing is, while we were together, even though he was a complete shit, I was quite contented, I got to go out 3/4 nights a week doing sport or seeing friends, had money to treat the boys etc.

Now I'm alone, everyone is saying how much better I must feel, which in some ways I do as I knew it wasn't right for us to be together, but it feels like post traumatic stress or something.

All the things that happened 4/5/6 years ago are upsetting me now whereas at the time i just powered through.

Hi odearyme. What you're feeling: "All the things that happened 4/5/6 years ago are upsetting me now whereas at the time i just powered through." and you mention feeling that you've got PTS and are "angry and resentful of the unfairness of it all" ? all this is perfectly normal when you leave an abusive relationship. When you're in one, your standards of behaviour change and you accept things as normal that you would probably condemn if you were looking at someone else's relationship. It is only once you are out of the relationship that you start seeing things as they really were. That's when memories start flooding back and overwhelming you. The first stage in healing is to acknowledge everything that's happened to you. It's hard, I know, but a necessary part of moving on. THe reason it tends to cripple you is because it makes you realise how vulnerable how you were and still are, and it also rocks your self-confidence because you start questioning your own abilities, particularly your ability to read others. THIS IS ALL NORMAL AND IT DOES PASS! (sorry to shout, but while you go through this stage, which can last a couple of years sometimes, it is vital to keep telling yourself that you won't feel like this forever).

I was where you are now. Today, I have no feelings of bitterness or resentment towards my ex. Shortly after we broke up, however, was a very different story. It felt so unfair that he was able to come and go as he pleased, with no responsibilities, telling everyone his side of the story and 'blackening my name' while I was left homeless, with two babies, and unable to go anywhere to set the record straight.

I had the last laugh. People like my ex, and yours, can't help who they are and they eventually hang themselves with their own rope. Given time, he will probably screw up his current relationship (and if it lasts, she will be desperately unhappy within it even if she wouldn't admit that to anyone). Even close friends of my ex have started to see contradictions within his behaviour with no help from me! Those that remain blind to them are not the sort of people I would want as friends anyway, as they are lacking in insight and often have questionable morals. Abusive people are good at picking up partners and friends who will accept their behaviour, or at least accept their justifications for the behaviour.

I got through this angry stage by talking and talking and talking to my friends (bless them), walking my dog lots to stomp off anger, and reading everything I could lay my hands on about abusive and controlling relationships (it is important to realise that abusive relationships become abusive long before the first punch). Although it is not your fault your ex is a shit, it is important to understand your own role in the relationship so that you can heal, move on, and prevent yourself from repeating old battles with your ex now you are no longer together. I'd recommend reading "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

If your ex was dead, you'd have to make alternative childcare arrangements. I'm not wishing him dead, but you need to start thinking of him in that light in terms of anything to do with him helping you out in any way. It will always come at a price, so you need to remove that from the equation. This doesn't mean he can't have a good relationship with your DC; it just means it's all about the children.

With my ex, I explained clearly what I expected of him and that nothing else would be tolerated. If he became abusive I ended the conversation/made him leave, etc. It took about 4 months of this before he realised I meant business. Since then, however, we've never looked back. Today, we can actually share a coffee and a joke once the kids have gone to bed after he's been to visit them. I still don't rely on him for anything, although I always invite him to health appointments/nursery school reviews etc (and he usually comes along, but he knows I don't need him there), but he it's great that we can project a happy atmosphere around our children.

Good luck. Just remember, don't deny this phase. Work through it and you will be a stronger, happier person because of it. It will pass. Good luck.

Thanks Optimist, that is helpful. I've read the Lundy Bancroft book, and thats one of the one things that has got me through. I just need to know it will end. Pandering to him while we were together in the hope he would be nice destroyed all my self worth, and i've carried on doing that ever since, just need to put my fooot down!

Think others have already said this much more eloquently but really leave it be and be thankful he has him every other weekend and this is ok. Do not talk to him unless absolutely necessary.

Have you talked to CAB or a debt counsellor about the loan? Because TBH it sounds like he committed fraud in landing you with a debt that he can't or won't pay, and there should be some way of transferring the debt to him or even involving the police.

Optimistic, It's good to see a name to it, because that was what happened to me for a while after I left. For so long I'd been on autopilot,and then when I left, the injustice of it all hit me between the two eyes, and the realisation that even now I'd left him, I would still never be able to make him see reason, well, it was hard to accept. It is getting easier though.

But I feel calm now because I don't deal with my x. If I had to go back to speaking to him or even texting or e-mailing him, I'd be wound up like a tightly coiled spring all over again. Thank goodness my Mum is prepared to deal with him for me. She can't stand him either, but she knows that he has the power to get under my skin and upset me. He has no such power over him. she pities him, which is too generous imo.

OHDEARYme, stop seeing this man. You don't have any obligation to FACE him. You can pay a babysitter £8 to do the handovers if you're family aren't willing. Don't respond to any email which insults you or criticises your parenting, as that feeds the belief that what he says matters to you anymore, or that you CARE what nonsense he spouts.

The ONLY communication we (my mum or my parents) EVER respond to from my x is a list of dates and times and they just say yes or no. And that is IT. we have nothing more to say to him. Sounds awful on paper but it's the only way to deal with a man like LUndy Bankroft talks about.

btw, 31 is young!!! you're 6 years younger than I am chica, and I feel younger than I did when I was with a bully.

Stretchmarks fade, AND they are motherhood's badges of honour!

My x was the same though, he would say the most pointless nasty things, and he never thought to himself, am I a bastard to think these things never mind say them?? MOST people if they said such nasty things would at least have the grace to feel guilty or shitty, but my x would say these incredibly nasty things to me and he wouldn't even remember them (apparently) it was like a valve to him. Insulting me was his coping mechanism.

this all sounds so depressingly familiar..
but yes i'm in my late 30's and i am enjoying it to the full without my arse of a bullying crap father of an exh to belittle and run me down
sadly i can't offer any advice but at least you know that you're not going thru this alone

It's made me feel better to know I'm not alone if you know what I mean. It also helped to learn thaat abusive relationships were the hardest to leave.
I'm definitely going to make this a better year, i like the pretending he is dead idea, and just getting on with it myself!

On the money side of things, I've not had a penny since March, the csa have all his details but how long is this likely to take?
When asked about money for the last ten months he says he wants the CSA to work out how much he owes and collect it, but they are saying they only collect from the date the case opened.

odearyme feel so desperately sorry for you
I can't knock my exh for not providing financially
But emotionally he's not there for them at all unless it suits
have had no dealings with the CSA thank god from what i've heard it all sounds so shitty and time consuming
and thou not financially lacking i do have a crap half job rubbish exh too
and he's an ex for a reason!!

the book to read after lundy bancroft and you have moved on is
It's My Life Now by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock (Paperback - 5 May 2006)
Buy new: £11.35

exactly as optimists said...and for me yes same feelings - irritated by him. annoyed and overwhelemed at stuff that happpened many years ago which i had forgotten/buried/was in denial about...remembering the cr&p i put up with and wondering why...

but best thing have done to date is get my own new mobile phone number and in addition a cheap pay as you go mobile which is the only number he has. so any msg on there i know is from him and can deal with in my own time. and if kids want to msg or speak to him (they generally dont!) they use that one.

sort out your own childcare...in my case i cld never rely on him when we were together anyway so always have...

you will get thru this. pay off the loan gradually. get friends/someone to babysit so you can do your sports. ignore anything about/from his new gf. she is young and naive...