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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Totally gutted

46 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 09:22

I did really well last night, had a chat on here and then at about 11:30, went up to bed and had a read. Clock struck midnight, and I was fine, no tears.

Then as I was just starting to drop off the phone rings. I nearly didn't answer it. Anyway it was my friend who lives within spitting distance, who I have recently helped through huge financial crisis, degree, childcare problems etc.

She was ringing to wish me happy new year, nice of her yes ?
Would be nice, except, I could hardley hear her and it took me a moment or two to figure out why, but yes you guessed it, she was having a party. The noise that I could hear in the distance whilst I lay in bed, was them all in the garden doing the conga.

She reckons she thought i was spending new year with my mum, but that is such a pile of shite as I had told her my mum alway works new year.
She apologised, and I said it was fine, not to worry about it, mainly because I was pretty stunned.

At the end of the day, even if she thought i was already doing something, she could have asked and she didn't, making it perfectly obvious that she didn't want me there.

She then got all her friends to shout happy new year to me down the phone.

Then, i did cry.

OP posts:

MegSophandEmma · 01/01/2009 10:09

Thanks and you

It's the bloody lonelyness thing isn't it. I can't wait to get back to college. nce you start working you will be the same i'm sure. It gets you out of the house and gives you a great reason to look smart, which itself will start bosting your self esteem. You could even meet a great guy through your work life who knows, but you will be sure to make a friend or two over time. Let them prove first before giving your friendship easily (don't mean be aloof of course lol) I hope you know what I mean haha.

MegSophandEmma · 01/01/2009 10:12

Feckin typos grrrr

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 10:14

Just housework today, well once I get dressed.

Think my mum is popping round later too, which i am looking forward to as I got her a little pressie in the sales yesterday. Nothing special, just this pink flamingo cuddly toy that you warm up for bed. I saw her eyeing up dd2's and then she said she nearly got one for herself but put it back, so i went and got it

Anyway, less of the waffling from me, time to go and chuck ds off the wii and into the bath.

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Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 10:15

Remind me what you are doing at college MS&E ?

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MegSophandEmma · 01/01/2009 10:46

Aww that sounds fab bet she will be over the moon

I'm on an access to He (hoping to become and English teacher). I remember you were going to start on one a couple of years back, as was I but we both sacked it off lol

But hey look at you now!! You with your brand spanking new job and all. It's gonna be a fab year for you you know!! This is Nutty's Year and mine I hope lol

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 12:16

Oh yes i remember now.

I do hope this is a god year for me, not sure i could cope with another duff one.

You too of course.

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compo · 01/01/2009 12:22

god that is crap Nutty
And fancy ringing at that time anyway when she could have woke the kids
She could have just texted Happy New year instead of waking you up. She sound s a shite friend

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 12:24

She said she thought we'd all still be up.

She is a crap friend, I already knew that, just didn't realise she was nasty too.

I am well rid I know, but it still hurts.

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KerryMumbles · 01/01/2009 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paperchase · 01/01/2009 12:29

Was she being vindictive, or just bloody thoughtless?

Because if it's the former, she's to be avoided at all costs. If the latter, you don't need to worry about her, but it would be wise to avoid her, and downplay the friendship.

But! it's now 2009, and everyone is going to have a marvellous year, so there. Even your crapfriend - she will need your help, not get it and see the error of her ways, making her a better person. Hurrah!

glastocat · 01/01/2009 12:35

She sounds like a total bitch to me, and you sound lovely. Hope you have a great new year. Karma is going to bite her on the arse some day, honest.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 12:43

LOL Kerry, will CAT you her details

I don't think she was being vindictive, at least not intentionally, but I can't quite see it as a genuine mistake either because lets face it, it would have taken her 2 seconds to ring me yesterday morning to check if I was indeed doing anything.

She knows me, knows I don't do anything at new year and knows how much spending it alone upsets me. How she could forget to invite me knowing all that just doesn't make sense, and so I think
that she did it deliberatly, although god only knows why.

I am a nice person, a helpful person and don't deserve to be treated like this so I don't know why it keeps happening.

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Paperchase · 01/01/2009 12:49

Well, if there was thought behind her thoughtlessness, iykwim, sod her.

I was playing devil's advocate really, but it has to be said, if you're having a party you think, oh who do I like? Who would like to come? Who's been nice to me and I owe them a few drinks?

Sometimes people are a bit thoughtless about a spontaneous get together, but that's hardly what a NYE party is about, is it? You arrange beforehand for everyone to be there, with lots of notice for folk who need babysitters.

A friend once rang me, quite pissed, and announced they were having a spontaneous barbeque and pissup and could I babysit her mate's kids so her mate could come over. No I fucking couldn't. I rang her back a week or so later and told her how disregarded I felt and, to her credit, she was pretty embarrassed and very apologetic. "I know, go on, tell me" she said.

We're mates now - it was a one off and she was pissed. Have you spoken to her today?

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 12:54

Kids were invited by the way so it wasn't just me that missed out but my kids too.

You are totally right Paperchase, she must have thoiught about who to invite and decided against me. She mentioned there was loads of food and so it obviously was a planned thing.

I haven't spoken to her since no and don't intend to go out of my way to do so.
I am not going to blank the woman, if she rings or pops round to apologise which she will, I won't even say anything about it, but the days of being her back up childcarer, shoulder to cry on and stand in friend are well and truely over.

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Paperchase · 01/01/2009 13:23

That's a shame - for her, not you.

A spontaneous get together you can understand, but an organised 'come to my place on this date and time' is different, isn't it. I was trying to find reasons she may have done it, but when compiling a list of - what, 30? 50? people, how do you miss out someone you see a lot of, and who has helped you out no end.

I think you should say something - I think you should tell her you feel a bit second rate and you're hurt. You didnt' do her favours for payment in kind, but when she had the chance to do something nice for you, she decided not to.

And 'I thought you were with your mum' wouldn't wash with me because I'd put forward that 'I know you're with your mum, but if you fancy coming here with the kids instead, it would be lovely to see you' would have been what you'd say if you wanted someone there.

I'm fanning flames now. Sorry - I just mean I would say my piece and then move on. Accept the apology but be very cautious with future requests for favours. You see, if you say nothing, she'll not know how much she's upset you and think everything's ok. Then the childcare requests will start up again as if nothing's happened.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 13:28

Ah yes but the childcare requests will be refused from now on as will any other request so she will eventually figure out that I am pissed off with her.

Tbh I don't think saying anything to her would make any difference anyway. She's just apologise again and the act like nothing had happened.

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aGalChangedHerName · 01/01/2009 13:32

Tbh i'd say nowt. Don't let her see you are bothered. Just be civil and pass the time of day like you would with anyone else.

Do start refusing to do favours but in a nice way. Be the bigger person in this situation.

She's history and you have everything going for you/to look forward to in 2009.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 13:35

Oh don't worry, I won't be nasty or anything when i do refuse to do favours. I will just simply be unavailable.

I can also predict exactly when she will suddenly want to be best buddies, as I will hopefully pass my driving test this year and she is always saying how we can go here there and everywhere once i pass.

I can go here there and everywhere, she can get the bus.

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aGalChangedHerName · 01/01/2009 13:38

Lol good for you. You will have the last laugh!!!

wooga · 01/01/2009 14:08

I know how you feel,2008 was the year I got rid of a few toxic 'friends' as they were making me feel lousy-not what real friends do.

I'm a bit of a softy and can be rather naive,so I always find it hurtful how mean and thoughtless people can be.It makes it harder if you're stuck having to see these people every day,as you don't get the space you need to get over their behaviour towards you.

One of my old so-called friends made a snotty comment to me(she did that a lot)about how I watched a lot of tv because I'd asked her if she'd seen something the night before-like I could have gone out when I felt like it!!

The fact that I was able to sit and focus on a tv prog was a really big deal for me as when I'd been ill with depression/anxiety I used to be unable to focus on anything or be rushing around stressing out all night,and after spending ages having to decorate the house to help to sell it on,it was nice to feel I could relax again!

She also couldn't understand that I didn't want my parents to have to mind my dcs every week(precious babysitting time and putting them out),just so I could go to a slimming club with her-she only wanted me because I could drive us there!

I was her friend because I was useful to her as a driver-she's got different friends she keeps on standby for their different uses-pretty crafty really,glad I'm rid of her!

I thought I'd never find any new friends,especially at my ds's school where the ex-friends are,but I've met some other mums there now who are much nicer and also single mums-so more understanding.

Here's to 2009 being a new start,and being positive-good luck with your new job-give you a chance to meet nicer people than your so-called friend!

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 01/01/2009 16:14

Thanks Wooga

My mum came round and I told her about it and she was really annoyed on my behalf and agrees that I should not say anything but distance myself from her and definatly not do her any favours again.

So thats that really, hopefully you are all right and I will meet some true friends in my new job.

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