Why do I feel like this?

[Upsydaisy1]

I have been on my own for almost a year. DP of 15 years left in March, for me only to discover that he had been having an affair a couple of months later. Something which he categorically denied up until being caught. He was a man who literally worshipped the ground I walked on and we married after 8 years and went on to have 2 dcs. I was totally devoted to him and was devestated by what had happened. I have picked myself up, started divorce proceedings and have been feeling better about myself lately. I've shed three stone look better than I have in a long time and have become more like the girl I used to be.

Although I haven't had any relationships since I have been out with a couple of guys and have had no shortage of offers . Here is where my problems arise. I have met someone who I have been out with 4 or 5 times since we met in the middle of December. He seems really nice, keen on me and when we are together we get on very well.

We don't speak every day as we both have our own busy lives with our own jobs and children.

I can't help feeling a bit doomed, like this is bound to go wrong, can I trust him, what's he doing when he's not with me etc. I know this all stems from my past experience and to be honest it's starting to get me down. We met through a dating site and hit it off straight away. I suppose it's just such a long time since I've been single and I just no longer know what to expect from a man anymore. Some words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Happy New Year to all you fantastic lone parents. I hope 2009 brings you all you wish for xx

Hi,me again lol

I kinda have a similar story, split with dd's "dad" 2 years ago after finding out he'd cheated on me for te whole relationship including my pregnancy unfortunaetly he didnt worship the ground i walked on!

Firstly i wanted to say, well done,...well done for going on dates and meeting men, as my confidence is shattered since all that!

Iv had one relationship since, but didnt come of anything. I dont really have any advise but just to let you now your not alone! I know where your coming from feeling its all going to go wrong, and lack of trust.

To be honest,..i should take this advise myself but, all i can ay is go for it, or we'r never going to get anywhere! Weird as we'r in kinda the same situation, iv recently been talking to a guy online, he wants to take me on a date,..

Anyway, enough about me lol

I say go for it, you obviously get along well :D

Goodluck and Happy New Year (we'l have to get rid of that dam black cloud lol)

xx

Thanks for your post. I can't help but feel things were much simpler when I was on my own and it was just me, the kids and a pain in the arse ex husband. At least I knew where I was at.

I feel very vulnerable and it's almost as if I am looking for faults and problems before they arise - a very unhealthy attitude I know and I have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't quite put my finger on. Not one I've ever encountered before.

You should go on your date, if you like him. Who knows what may come of it!!

Im def going to keep an eye on this thread as im feeling the same as you!

How old are your dc?

I will try to go on this date, but i need to find ome guts first! :D

My dcs are 5 and 19 months. Maybe we need to give each other some moral support!!

Whatabout you. How old are your dcs?

Yeah def moral support! I just have one daughter, shes 4 and half :D Where abouts are you from lol,..would be good if you lived near lol

I am in a very similar position - xh walked out about 7 months ago after 14 yrs and 1 ds. A bit of a complicated situation, but although I have had dates and offers, I am terrified of getting into a new relationship as I just think he will let me down.
I am getting counselling. I need to understand that it was my x who was like this, and that not all men are like he was. I just need to be aware of the signs that xh gave me so clearly about the nature of our relationship, and be able to get out early this time.
Its really hard. I am just enjoying being single (well, the not having to answer to anyone, being able to do my own thing, not so much the being alone), and if/when someone comes along I hope I am in a position to go for it.
I guess you just have to take things slowly so you can build trust in him? If he is worth it, he will see how badly hurt you have been and be willing to do things at your pace.

MeNmygirl I live in South East. Where are you?

Well, it sounds like your life is good without a man and you don't want to risk jeopardising what feels fragile. I don't blame you. You had the rug ripped out from under you once, and you're not 'putting up barriers' or any other negative-sounding stuff. You want to maintain your well-being.

That's how I'd feel anyway! I've been single for 18 months now and still don't feel ready for dating. Well, haven't been any offers, but I don't feel optimism that anything worthwhile could work out for me, so I'm not trying, and for now this is definitely best option for me. I need to get to where you are now first! Job, home etc..

Take it really slowly and don't change too much about your life for him, yet. If it gets to the point where you feel so comfortable making big changes which revolve around him, then that would be different, but for now, treat him like 'more than a friend'.

Of course, even that doesn't mean that you won't be hurt, but the worst thing in the World is when relationship breakdown coincides with looking for somewhere new to live. That is beyond awful. Also, don't know about you, but I'm not having any more children, at 37 I suppose it's possible, but would rather not anyway, so I feel that no relationship in the future can ever go so wrong, or have such lasting consequences again. The worst damage has been done! Whatever goes wrong in the future will be small-fry compared to a marriage-breakdown/starting-all-over-again/residency court battle.... {phew] Feel tired typing it!!

Im in South East too xx

Some good advise there LittleValley,...i guess thats all that can be done,..take things slowly and see!

I also can't quite get my head round the fact that when I met my ex I was in my late teens. We were free to spend all our free time together, hours on the phone, weekends away. Whereas meeting someone in your thirties you and they behave so differently. You have an established life, career, children etc.

yes upsydaisy - exactly how I feel. And I am supposed to fit him in around ds too. He would have to understand that when I am with ds I am with ds, and not just with new partner with a kid in tow. That is, if a relationship ever developed far enough to introduce them...

Liffeyvalley - Thanks for your words of wisdom. You are right I should just enjoy something for what it is - in fact we all should! Just so hard when someone you have loved has virtually destroyed you with their so called love.

MeNmygirl. What a coincidence that you live in the same area as me. Maybe we should get in touch! x

Upsydaisy I think it's great that you have at least been out with a couple of men again at least it has given your confidence a huge boost and has given you something to look forward to and much needed adult company.If you were anything like me you probably thought that you would stand no chance as a divorced/separated 30+ mother!!
I guess that it does take time to actually feel comfortable with yourself and to actually allow another man into your life as like me you have emerged from a very long relationship/marriage.And though it is painful have you actually confronted any of those issues that are going thru your mind?
The fact that your new bf has also been in a long term relationship and has his own dcs is a plus i think as at least he'll appreciate where you're coming from and know that you have other priorities in your life which need to be considered.
I suppose really all i can say is take things at your own pace and just enjoy..
and don't be too hard on yourself