Post daddy bedtime issue

[LRB978]

Am trying this here first, but could also be development/behaviour and/or sleep.

Ds (7) is normally okay at bedtime. He doesn't have a set routine as such, goes up around 8, normally has a bedtime story read by me, then will read to himself for five minutes, turn his light out and go to sleep listening to music on his CD player. The occasional night he will mess around slightly but is normally asleep within 30 minutes of going up.

However, all this changes the once a forntight he goes to his dads. He goes every other Sunday, from about 10-6ish. No matter what I do when he gets back those nights (I pick up, so we are normally back for 6.30), tv, bath, play together, have tried everything, he plays up at bedtime. He often plays up when changing for bed badly enough that he loses his story (this is a known punishment for him, and is normally threat enough to get him to bed when used - except 'daddy nights'). When he gets to bed he is up and down, back and forth to the toilet, calling down to me, taking stuff out of the bathroom when 'at the toilet' and putting it in his bedroom (tonight it was the waterpistol he has for bathtime ).

No matter what I do to help him calm down, both before and after going to bed, helps (he seems fine before bed, tis only once 'in' bed he starts playing up). I have tried sitting quietly in his room holding his hand, cuddling him in his bed, sitting on the landing, ignoring behaviour, rapid return, 'de stress' (getting him to imagine Tinkerbell is sprinkling magic fairy dust on his body, working up from the toes to the head). He just cant lie still, not talk, stay in bed (if I am not physically keeping him there) and ends up in one stressed and angry mum and one ds in tears... from which point he falls straight asleep. Tonight I had him screaming at me from his bed that he hated me whilst he cried his heart out and he was then asleep within 3 minutes!!!!

This only happens this badly on his 'daddy nights'. No matter what else has happened during the day he is never as badly behaved as these nights. I know it is a reaction to speanding the day with his dad, although a reaction to which part of the day I'm not sure. All I do know is much as I appreciate the few hours I have to myself during the day, I dread 'daddy nights'.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Any plans as to what I could do. TBH I havent tried anything as yet, so I could go down the reward in the morning if he has a good night, just wondering what others experiences and successfully ploys were

Sorry about the waffle, I have yet to learn the art of a short post

The lying still is for the destress. He can normally lie on his back or front and chill as he listens to me describing the dust moving up his body, except for daddy nights

Not sure I can offer any useful advice, but didn't want to read and run. My DCs relationship with their father is pretty trouble-free at the moment, but I know that you're not alone. It seems to be a problem for lots of LPs that the children play up following time with the other parent. I hope that's some consolation, so that you know it's not your fault.

Have you tried settling your DS in bed and then getting him to tell you all about his day - in all the detail a 7-year-old can muster? If it's just excitement about his day with daddy, getting him to retell it may do the trick of calming him down. If not, perhaps there will be a clue in there as to why he's misbehaving.

Could it be a case of daddy doesn't have any rules so your DS is used to getting away with more? I know lots of NRPs tend to be a lot more relaxed about rules and good behaviour because they don't want to waste any time they have with their DC by disciplining them. Nice idea, but it usually confuses the child about what is and is not acceptable behaviour and creates problems for the resident parent when the child returns home. If this sounds like your ex, then would he listen to a talk about consistency in parenting? If not, I'm afraid you'll have to find other ways of dealing with it.

Hope you find a solution to this. Good luck

You are not alone, nearly two years post seperation and mine are both still unsettled the evening they come back from a daddy weekend. I have asked via the courts for a 6:30 drop off which is ignored often. They come back happy, and it takes ages for them to settle and they always miss their 8:30 bedtime and are still up at 9:30. They need time to settle in again and re-adjust.

Can you ask for a slightly earlier drop off and pick up so you collect him earlier (ie before tea) you can then ensure he has a decent meal, no sweets too near bedtime and have longer to have time together (my children need time at home before they start another week).

I will be watching this thread with interest as I also have post daddy weekend issues

We used to find the same with dsd when she came here for weekends. She was always over excited and hyper on the first night and would then settle right down. People would see a real difference in her if she was with us for a week.

Her mum used to complain of the same thing. She thought the problem was the contact with dh and I what we "let her get away with" etc etc, but I don't think it was, it was just her adjusting to going between the two homes and being excited about seeing her Dad/Mum again. She's 13 and still a bit like it now! We certainly know when she's arrived and dd picks up on it and we have GREAT excitement from her too. Not that I'd ever change that. We just used to ride it and know that in the morning it would be better ... it always was.

I think if it were my dd I'd think about a reward chart, or I might be inclined to let her get on with it. Sometimes when dd won't go to sleep, I leave her with her books and the light on. Do you think maybe he wants to spend a bit of time with you talking about what he did with his Dad?

What I wouldn't do is reduce the amount of time he has with his Dad, he doesn't seem to have very much at all - 8 hours in a fortnight is nothing.

I can relate to the issues you are having

My DS goes to his dad every Friday night. One week he comes back Saturday teatime, the other Sunday morning. Sunday nights are fine, but Saturday nights were truly awful for quite a while.
In the end I had get XP to bring him back a little earlier- he was coming home at 6ish and heading almost straight up to bed. Now he comes home at 5pm and we have plenty of time for him to calm down, find all his toys again and chill out before bedtime and we are back to much less hassle. Its probably not useful to you as he sees so little of his dad anyway but just thought I would mention it incase it helps at all

I think if you ask most people this is quite a normal pattern for children going between two families.

How is your relationship with your ex? Mine was horrendous for quite some time which made things worse for the children....We are now on an even keel and things have settled.

My eldest dd was so unsettled when she came home I got professional help as she would also NEVER tell me about her day with her dad etc. With help she is now at a stage where she feels happy to communicate with me about her day... I guess she thought I may be cross or upset about telling me what fun things she did with daddy... but now it's almost like she has been given permission to open up and things are better for all concerned (although I do have to smile nicely at times and pretend things do not bother me, as I still feel emotionally attached to my ex and hate the fact some other woman is bonding with MY children!)

I was told that children 'compartmentalise' the two lives.... when they leave mummy, the door closes to that life and the door to daddy opens and vice versa and the transition is not always an easy one. I guess they must feel a sense of being unfaithful to the other parent???

My youngest wouldn't allow me out of her sight (even to go to the toilet!) some nights when she came home which was extremely stressful for both of us... to the point I was shouting at them when they came home and then bursting into tears because I didn't want them to come home to a cross or emotional mummy!

With plenty of reassurance that I love them, will always be there for them and they can contact me anytime they want to when they aren't with me seems to help. That they are allowed to love daddy and have fun with him and knowing that mummy and daddy get along ok is also a good thing.

I always have them back at 4pm, but mine are now at the stage where they stay all weekend... as this allows wind down time/free play to readjust before I put them back into their routine of tea, bath, bed etc... Sometimes I just leave them alone to play for a while before I intervene too.. may be easier as they have each other to play with though?... then I usually sit with them for a few minutes cuddled up on the sofa, tell them how much I love them and ask about their weekend.

We do have the odd hiccup but routine and time/age seems to be helping settle things.

Best of luck... things will improve.

Thabk you for the replies, sorry I haven't got back sooner, work and a power cut have conspired against me

His dad has remarried with step kids so there are rules, although they are more relaxed than me its not like there aren't any.

It's hard to change the times, another day isn't possible as his dad works in a shop and Sunday is the only day he can (virtually) guarentee having off. I don't really like dropping him off any earlier as ds relishes having a couple of hours in the morning just pottering about in his pj's, and we have to be out at 7.45 on weekdays, equally I used to pick him up earlier but it didn't make a great deal of difference at bed time. And at only 8 hours a fortnight any less time is quite a large chunk of their time together.

My relationship with my x has settled down to a text each way normally the thursday before, confirming the Sunday is going ahead, then civil conversation between us at drop off/pick up. Any more is too much, he expects me to listen and syympathise at his lousy life but will never even ask about us, even if he knows ds has been off school ill, its not til the fortnightly text that he will ask how he is . And yes I still have feelings for him, not enough to want to be with him, but he can still push my buttons and get me to agree to stuff I dont really agree with IYSWIM. So contact is minimal, but not negative.

I think ds fully compartmentalises his life. He won't practise ninja moves outside of his lessons, cos thats what happens at ninjas, equally homework is a battle because that is what happens at school, and so on. I can get some details from him, but its like, "That happens there and stays there" in everything he does, even language he uses, he speaks in one way at a mate's house, but a different way at mine, and different again at my parents. So we talk about his day on the journey back, but he doesn't give a great deal away (this is the same with everything he does, not just his dad though).

I suspect his mind is just whirling with over-stimulation (if you like) cos he gets to spend the day with his dad, step mum and step siblings (2 sisters, 2 brothers) whereas normally it's just the two of us and he doesn't get the calm down time. The best solution I see is for him to spend Sat night and Sun til 2ish at his dads, then come back. However I have been told that there isn't room for him to stop over when I have suggested it in the past, so I took what I can (it is only in the past 6 months the contact has been this regular, and only cos I said regular or no contact, before it was as and when ex could be bothered!(and we have been apart over 4 years now))

I think I'm gonna try rewards (probably a favourite food for the morning) if he stays in bed, and just let him chill in his own time. And see how it goes (whilst locking myself away with a book so I don't get too stressed by him and end up aggravating the situation)