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feeling lower than low and dont know what to do now, need serious advice

18 replies

maidenvoyage · 28/12/2008 23:13

Where do i start, have posted a topic on here about my son, and funny enough things have really calmed down. My daughter is a angel even though she is fifteen. The problem is with me now. I have always worked full time ever since i broke up with the ex and have been proud of what I have achieved but I have been kidding myself really. I got made redundant last month and xmas was a bit grim kids did not mind they have always had nice stuff. I know I will get another job in the new year. I have not been in a relationship for the last two years and have not wanted to be but now find myself wanting to be with someone. Not for financial reasons but for the fact that I am sick of going alone. Have a couple of really good mates but one of them is suffering a bereavement at the moment so my problem does not even go there. Anyway to the problem. I am lonely, and I am finding myself drinking of a night time just to get to sleep. I have a family that has a history of drinking and do not want to go down this route but it is now a hard habit to break. Dont get me wrong I have or did have a good job as a Accounts Manger and will be again I am not worried about that. But am worried that this drinking of a night time will take over and I will end up like my mum and other family members. I guess I just need someone to talk to

OP posts:
monty27withbellson · 28/12/2008 23:45

Hi mv. It's such a hard time. Feeling much the same as you. We have got to find the strenght to carry on and feel positive. I wish you luck in finding a new job and someone to share your life with. xx

UnfortunatelyMe · 28/12/2008 23:50

Hello. It is a hard habit to break. Can you try swopping the drink for fruit juice, the heavy stuff to barcardi breezers?
If it isnt in the house, you cant drink it.
Theres always someone to talk to on MN.
While you are job hunting have you made sure you have told tax credits your circumstances have changed?

UnfortunatelyMe · 28/12/2008 23:51

Ooops that sounded blunt, wasnt meant to. was thinking and typing

thumbElf · 28/12/2008 23:55

MV, recognising that you could have a potential problem is the start of fixing it.
Do your children need you to be in? Is your DD old enough to be left to take care of your DS of an evening? Can you take up some kind of new interest, e.g. dancing, wine tasting, book club, darts, French conversation - I don't know, there are so many things. Get your local Adult Education paper from your council office if it isn't delivered and see if there is an evening class that interests you. That will get you out and stop you drinking. And will also give you a chance to meet new friends/acquaintance.

maidenvoyage · 29/12/2008 00:12

TY for your messages. I hopefully will get the new job in the new year. I know that I am border line of having a drink problem but it runs in our family. Stupid thing is we all hide it so well. We all have good jobs etc but do not admit to each other that there is a problem. Family history goes back such a long way with so many problems and my brothers and sisters and I have tried to leave the disfunctional family in the past but it comes back to haunt you. I have a couple of good friends that I can say " hi i cannot cope but they have thier own issues which are so much greater at the moment. I am losing confidence by the day not in work life but in personal life and a club for me at the moment is not the answer..... i dont know what is

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thumbwitch · 29/12/2008 00:24

well now, a strong word might help you here - just because there are other people in your family who have a drink problem does not mean that you have to follow suit.

Ok, so a club etc. is not the answer - what do YOU think would help you to take your mind off having a drink in the evening?

maidenvoyage · 29/12/2008 00:47

Do you know what I tried to think of a couple of things but there are so many!!! I live in private rented accom at 850 per month and council tax at 130 per month so have to earn 1000 before i start. So financial pressure taken off is a start but do not want to sit on the "dole". I love working and am proud of what I can do but in todays present climate the wages are going down and down. I just want to support my family and have a life outstide of work. I am a party person normally and love life but am very very tired and cannot get motivated at the moment. Want someone to knock on the door take my life sort it out and give it back

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UnfortunatelyMe · 29/12/2008 00:56

This time of year is a killer for anyone who isnt quite satisfied with their lot.
Glad you have got the pressure off regarding money. Thats good, one less thing to worry about
If someone did come to the door to sort your life out, how would you like it arranged when they had done it all for you and handed it back?

maidenvoyage · 29/12/2008 01:06

hi ya must of said that wrong If I did not have to pay 850 rent, 130 council tax THAT WOULD TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF lol. But I have to work to do that and I dont mind doing it cos I actually like going to work each day, getting suited and booted. If someone came to my door and said " Hi here to take the pressure of financially, and here is someone to love you and share the good and the bad then that would be great" but no-one is going to knock on the door doing that. It is up to me to change what is going on in my life but I am in limbo at the moment. Feel very un-loved etc. Having said all this have just read a post where someone has just lost thier 20 year old son and it makes me feel very humble indeed. I could not imagine losing my son or daughter so I need to GET UP AND GET ON WITH IT

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thumbwitch · 29/12/2008 01:10

Oh god, I have so been there. Luckily I didn't have children to support and take care of at the same time, your situation must be a thousand times harder than mine was - I just wanted desperately for someone to share the burden of responsibility for my house and life, so I didn't have to do it all by myself any more.

Now, if money is an issue but childcare isn't, then here is what I suggest. Go out for a walk. Find somewhere that is safe and pleasant to walk, and go for half an hour minimum. Do it every day, preferably in daylight (while you are not working). It does help. You may be succumbing to SAD because of the other pressures on you at this time - stop that from happening by getting out in natural light and also you need to get in some vitamin D - eating tinned sardines is as good a way as any, or tinned salmon or pilchards.
It's a start.

monty27withbellson · 29/12/2008 01:23

MV, are you still here? INWYM. I think we might be in the same place. I'm paying a mortgage and quite high bills. Its very stressful. I can just about pay the bills and it makes me feel physically sick. Can't eat anything let alone pilchards!! lol at thumbwitch. Bless you.xx

maidenvoyage · 29/12/2008 01:30

ty for your messages they are so greatly appreciated. I am feeling very humble after reading the post from the mother whose son has died and would hate to find myself in that situation. So money and love problems take a very second best now dont you think. But hey still looking for love and companionship

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OptimistS · 29/12/2008 08:41

MV, I'm sorry you feel so low. I think you need to shift your perspective slightly. Reading your posts on this topic, it is clear to me that you are normally a strong person who isn't given to wallowing in self-pity. That's the funny thing about problems. You can always find someone with problems worse than your own, but it doesn't change the fact that your problems feel worse to you because they are yours. You're entitled to feel low without giving yourself a hard time about it.

Although I don't know you, I would hazard a guess that if you post on here in a month or two's time, you will be in a very different position. Christmas is a time of limbo for anyone who wants to change their circumstances. No one can get anything done! I bet that once all the decorations are put away, you'll get yourself a new job and part of your problems of boredom, financial stress and general disatisfaction will mysteriously evaporate. The worst kind of stress is the kind you are powerless to do anything about, which is where you're at now over Christmas. Come New Year you'll be able to do something about it, and just tackling it will make you feel more proactive and better about life.

Regarding the drinking, I'd echo what thumbwitch said: you are not your family. The fact that you have the self-awareness to recognise you are drinking maybe too much suggests to me that you are not an alcoholic and will indeed be able to cut down. Next time you go shopping, take a look at the non-alcoholic wines or interesting soft drinks to find a substitute. There are some lovely low-alcohol or alcohol-free drinks out there now.

A word of advice about looking for love which is a bit patronising (sorry) but I think needs to be said. If you're lonely, then fine. Wanting a special relationship with someone is part of the human condition and does not imply neediness. If that's you, great and I hope you find someone soon. If you're looking for a man to make all your problems disappear however, I'm afraid you're on a hiding to nothing. No man can make your life magically ok - only you can do that. And if you're really vulnerable when you look for someone, you run a very real risk of picking up someone who will exploit or abuse you. Sorry to be harsh, but I think it's important to realise that a relationship has its best chance of working when both partners are at least someway satisfied with who they are and the state of their lives.

You sound like a strong person who will bounce back very well once the festive season closes. Good luck.

tessofthedurbervilles · 29/12/2008 13:38

Hey, sorry to hear about the redundancy...

tessofthedurbervilles · 29/12/2008 13:42

will finish post, sorry, internet playing up...

monty27withbellson · 29/12/2008 18:24

Hi MV how are you today? I hope you managed to get out for a walk or have some company. You sound similar to me, would rather be focused at work than sitting around. I guess that's probably where you need to start, a new job, and you never know you might meet someone there too, and a change of job might be just what you need. I think if you're drinking more than you are comfortable with that will be making you feel worse about yourself. As above though, its only down to you to control it and not let it control you.

I hope you don't mind my comments, its just that I think I'm understanding where you are at.

maidenvoyage · 30/12/2008 00:58

Optimist S: Thank you so much for your post. You are right I am a very optimistic person ( hey I am a Leo what do you expect lol). I have a job interview tomorrow and there are only another two going for the job so fingers crossed. As for feeling lonely and looking for someone you are right if I am destined to meet someone then I will. ( Hey got chatted up in Tesco twice and took the numbers lol). I am in a delicate state at the moment but I know I will get through it and to be honest logging onto this website is really helping me. I can say stuff on here that I would not tell my best friends or even my sisters they would be horrified they think I am this strong joking around sort of person the joker of the party but deep inside I have fears for the future. I am not as confident as people think I am. I guess I put up a front so no-one can hurt me (another story lol). The drinking: Sore subject but only to me, 99% of the time I think I am in control but there is that 1% that I think "hey its a family thing and that is my future, omg I sound a loser right now but I have so many hang ups that no-one knows about, so many issues that I laugh about but actually they are not funny not to me anyway. I am coming across as weak and i am not I am the strongest person I know but weak inside. I am not in control of my life at the moment and I dont like it. Im scared that I wont be here for the kids (16/23) I feel such a failure and I dont like the feeling.

Monty: Thank you for your reply and the above means the same to you.

Guys, I dont know where to go from here i dont like to fail.....

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monty27withbellson · 30/12/2008 19:29

Hi MV. Good luck with your interview.

Numbers in Tesco! How do you manage that one?lol.

Best wishes.

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