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Anyone got an OK ex, which means they're on their own this eve?

23 replies

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:03

Nothing to complain about, as I have an OK ex, no abuse, no missed visits, which means that I alternate Christmas with him. Which means that I'm on my own this Christmas. Everything on the tv, radio, outside is about Christmas, but I've had mine already, so I'm trying to avoid it, but not easy. I have filled the stocking with lovely presents (ex admits it's not his forte!) which is at the other house, ensured that reindeer food is stocked up, shared in the excitement of Father Christmas visiting tonight....and now it's just me. Sabrina and an odd-looking Harrison Ford is the only thing that's not Christmassy on tv, unless I indulge in QVC's clearance. Anyone there to join me?!! Or is it just me!

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elastamum · 24/12/2008 19:12

Hi, I have my kids here but I suspect they wont be next year as me and ex have very civilised arrangements for visits and he has made more of an effort with the kids since he left than ever before. He is coming for Christmas morning then we are off to my folks him to his. Next year it will be the other way round if I get to see them at all on christmas day. Will be further complicated by Ow who he is secretly planning to set up home with once we are divorced (he doesnt know I know) DS2 climbed into bed this morning and proceeded to tell me about the present she had given them. That really made my day! Am dreading future Christmasses. Really feel for you, sending you a big hug

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:17

Thanks elastamum. I feel silly complaining as I know all arrangements are good for my DD but it's horrible. We did the first Christmas together after splitting, and since then have done it apart. My first one without her, two years' ago, was horrible, as I tried to do Christmas even though I was without her, but I've learnt not to do it at all, so tomorrow will be Thursday!!! I really feel for you about OW -ours was complicated by the OW a couple of years ago, but now easier by 'W' who is nothing to do with split!! Still not easy to know your children are doing Christmas with 'W' who's not you! But, as I now know after couple of years of doing this, it benefits the children 1000% doing it for them, not us! Christmas is for the children (though we like it too!!!) Enjoy this one, and thanks for responding....felt a bit of a fraud without a horror story!!

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pombear · 24/12/2008 19:20

PS elastmum, my ex too has made a better Dad since split than before, so let's celebrate that...for them (if only they had managed to step up to the mark beforehand, eh?!) Happy Christmas!

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elastamum · 24/12/2008 19:22

I dont think it is any easier not to have a horrible X because the pressure is always on you to supress how you are really feeling. I will have a great urge tomorrow morning to punch my ex on the nose and to bitch about Ow but will supress all that so as not to upset the morning for the kids. Im sure its not good for my blood pressure. The kids are going to ExH for new year and will be away for a week. I am dreading it. have nothing arranged and no friends round here as he moved us 150 miles north just before moving out. Will probably crawl under a duvet 2008 has been a crap year for me so not much to celebrate really

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:23

Anyone else, or are me and elastmum the only ones with decent exes which mean that we are/will be alone on Christmas eve/Christmas morning? Come on girls, I know someone out there has the same experience?!

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elastamum · 24/12/2008 19:23

Happy Christmas to you too!!

Flihgtattendant · 24/12/2008 19:25

No, I have not one but TWO shit exes!!! Neither of whom ever see their children!

But I am madly envious heartened to hear that it can be so very civilised and amicable. Good on you both

elastamum · 24/12/2008 19:25

I wouldnt go so far to call him decent, just dont have reasonable grounds to ban him from our lives, although i am trying to get him out of mine as much as possible, he was most miffed when I didnt tell him i had a new job!

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:28

Elastamum...sorry for mis-spelling your name! I have, on occasion, almost done the punch on the nose. They should measure blood pressure for custody/payment levels!! Mine is away for a week's been longer than you since the split, and when people say it gets better, you can sort of ignore them, and accept it in little pieces. It gets better in the fact that you don't want to punch them as much, but I'm still in bits, often. Me too, for New Year...everyone wants to invite me round for Christmas meal as I'm alone, but I'm happy to be alone and ignore it, but New Year....noone has asked me what I'm doing, and that's when I want to be with people!! Ironic?!! Enjoy your duvet!

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elastamum · 24/12/2008 19:31

Me too, a couple of friends know I am alone but nobody has offered as they all have families and I just dont fit in. I mean who wants a recently dumped single mum hanging around like banquo's ghost!

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 24/12/2008 19:35

not on my own tonight, but exH is picking the DS's up about 4pm tomrorow, and bringing them back about the same time Boxing Day. I've never spent Christmas/Boxing day on my own.

Even the Christmas I was backpacking round South Africa on my own I spent it with other people

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:35

Flight...I have followed your story for a long time, and I'm so sorry for your situation. Give your children a big's grass is greener time, and NO situation is better or worse. Amicable is great for the children, but horrible still for the parent. You are a great mum, and I read your experiences with respect and I wish I could give decent advice, but struggling with my own demons!!!
Elastamum - time does help with ex-exorcism from your own life, and your work situation has nothing to do with him. If you can justify him staying within your lives it will help the children...not you, as no one, unless they've been there, understands how crap it is to keep someone who has hurt you within your life, always there, in the background. If we were younger, without children, would we have let someone in who did that? NO!! But we're mums....well done, keep it together, keep breathing, and enjoy this Christmas!! x

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SantaKLAWs · 24/12/2008 19:36

Have just dropped ds off with exPIL, as he will be joining ex and stepDM for Christmas with StepDM's parents and extended family....

However I still have dd (different dad) and so am not alone this Christmas. But been there. Fortunately had my own dm and dsis to go to but then I always got the crap from my dm about it not being the same without ds, when i just looked forward to doing it all over again on Boxing day with ds.

Christmas just lasts longer when you've got children who need to visit their other parent and family, doesn't it?

Flihgtattendant · 24/12/2008 19:39

Pom, that is very, very kind of you...I'm sure I don't deserve those comments, I'm a pretty imperfect mother!!

I'm touched that you know my story though. Fwiw i think mothers who regularly see their ex's in order to facilitate contact for the children are bloody brave, and very strong. I don't think I could have done it even if they'd wanted me to.

Happy Christmas xxx

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:41

Elastamum, don't worry about the invites. Even next year, if you end up being lovely and giving, and on your own...the last thing you'll want is to be is on your own with other families who are doing Christmas. Do your own Christmas with the children, either before or after the big day. Unless you're very Christian, it's the feeling of being together, exchanging presents and setting traditions that makes the day....doesn't matter WHICH day it is, just that you do it. My DD thinks it's great, and a privilege (sp!) that she gets two Christmas's, and she knows she's loved by all. ....all...that... matters....!!!!!!!

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bentneckwine1 · 24/12/2008 19:44

I'm here alone too...ds hung up stocking before leaving and Santa will be filling that later.

He will be home tomorrow morning and will have his christmas dinner with me.

I am trying to decide if I should leave out the usual milk and cookies so that the crumbs are on a tray? Or maybe this year Santa would prefer some wine and pringles???

I also confess to still being hooked on the NORAD Santa much part om our christmas eve that it would feel wrong not to follow Santa on his merry journey.

Take Care

pombear · 24/12/2008 19:49

Hey, Flight, (what's going on with the mixed up consonants!) of course I do,..I'm a confirmed lurker, occasional poster! You do, and we all are imperfect, as I tell my DD often.....Noone gave me the flipping manual when I became a mum (although someone gave her the manual for being a child!!!). you could have done it, if you had a half-decent ex. It's not easy for me, but I know DD's getting us both, and that makes it easier. Enjoy your christmas.x
SantaKLAWS - you're right, it goes on and on....but the DC's probably think that's even better!

To all of you who aren't with the ones you want to be tomorrow, good luck, happy christmas, and thank you for sharing your stories over the year, letting me lurk, and welcoming me when I emerge from the shadows to post. Whenever I'm not sure what I'm doing, or what I'm going through, I log on to Mumsnet, particularly lone parents for me. You are all stars.

Happy Christmas. x

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pombear · 24/12/2008 19:51

Bentneck..get your wine and pringles out, btw! Glad to hear your's will be back for dinner tomorrow....mine not back till New Year's Eve, so enjoy, get tracking Santa....maybe he'll have a special present in his sack for all of us!!

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bentneckwine1 · 24/12/2008 19:59

Thanks Pombear!!

Not opening the wine until I have been to the church service!! Don't usually manage to christmas eve service because son in bed so thought it was a good chance to fill the evening. Wouldn't look too good if I staggered in breathing wine fumes all over the place.

Hope your days pass peacefully until your DD comes home...she will be that pleased to see you - nothing like a child's welcome.

pombear · 24/12/2008 20:02

Thanks bentneck...don't drool over the vicar now!! When they say "turn to the person to your right, and give them the sign of peace" make sure it's a shake of the hand, and nothing more eh!!! Thanks to all....bit of a quiet thread, obviously not many of us, but here's to those who were there!!!

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bentneckwine1 · 24/12/2008 20:08

lol pom

Going to make my soup now and prepare as much as possible for tomorrow. Hopefully this means that I can concentrate on playing with ds when he comes home as opposed to stressed out mummy!!

You take care.

ELOB · 01/01/2009 20:14

i dont know how im going to handle christmas next year or the next, or the next. husband moved out in nov. and so spent this christmas together for sake of children although he let them down terribly, selfishly and cowardly at the very last moment on christmas eve. my eldest (6 year old girl) was devastated and i truly 'hated' him for that. i have 3 children (6, 4 and 17months) and i have absolutely no family in england as i come from scotland. it has always been me who has put the effort into christmas for our children and go out of my way to get them excited etc. i cant see me agreeing to alternate christmases, not while they are so young and still believe in santa clause. im going to suggest that they waken up on christmas day at their main home then around 2/3pm they go to their dads where they can have presents from him, have christmas dinner and sleep over, coming back to me on boxing day for 2/3pm when i can then do christmas dinner. i don't think its fair that either of us should have to miss out on our children on christmas day or that our children should have to 'worry' about the parent that has no one with them. at this age they want to share their excitement with both parents and i think this is fair. but even if he agrees to it i will still find it 'different' but not lonely. if he suggests that they waken on christmas days at alternate homes while they still believe in santa i will be hurt as he really doesn't put the same effort into it and i do think they should waken up in their own home that day. any way, i can imagine how you feel - or rather, not, imagine how you feel, must be like having your limbs removed.

Youcancallmeal · 17/01/2009 13:14

Not xmas eve but I might be happy to join you some other evening!

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