Child lying to her mum...

[TheSeriousSanta]

I'm posting this in Lone Parents (rather than my more usual step parents) because my DH's ex would never consider herself part of a step / blended family and totally sees herself as a lone parent and I need to see her perspective on this. I hope that's OK.

DSD1 is 14. Extremely mature. Knows that DH and I do not speak at all to her mum (at her mum's insistance. the last time she even happened to see me in a car, she stuck two fingers up at me)... I have been 'step mum' for 10 years, so have a very close relationship with both DSDs.

But, today, DSD1 asked me to pick her up and drop her home, as she was lying to her mum about where she'd been... She gave me a half hearted story about where she had actually been, which sounded true enough, but didn't really ring true as to why her mum would have had a problem with it IYSWIM.

I cannot speak to her mum about this. I have told my DH (DSD's dad) but he also cannot speak to his ex. She would absolutely go mental to even consider that DSD1 called us...

SO, I just don't know what to do... I don't want to break DSD1's trust (and won't) but equally don't want to give her the message that lying is OK (I did say to her in the car today, that I wasn't happy that she'd lied to her mum, but she just sort of shrugged and said 'yes' - typical 14YO style)

My DH is away A LOT so DSDs do contact me quite a bit, which I absolutely don't want to stop - I love them to bits and would always want them to consider our home as thier home too, IYSWIM... but feeling a little uncomfortable about this..

Sorry for rambling post... Any advice would be gratefully received.

Hi SS

You need to speak to her Mum. I know it is difficult, but you are her parents and bringing children up together so you need to discuss issues.
Even if you don't talk to her about this incident, you need to break down the barriers, this will keep happening.

It's not difficult. It's impossible.

Her mother will not speak to me. We used to say the odd hello, but she won't go near me (and I do mean literally) since DS was born.

She would cross the road rather than ackowledge my son (there are reasons for this, she had a son who died in infancy, so I do understand that she's finding it difficult that Dh and I have a son) but it's something I just can't push.

DH has spokent to DD1 and she's explained herself to him... That's all I can do....

How about you talk to your stepdaughter, you say she's mature so just say to her you love her to bits but you are really concerned that you don't want to lose your ability to trust her. And you are concerned that you weren't sure whether to believe her when you took her home the other night. Just ask her to think carefully about the next time she involves you in lying to her mother because as someone who loves her you can't be involved in her lying to her mother and you want to trust everything she says.

Do you know where she went, and do you approve or not.
If you approve, then I would still consider telling her.
If you disapprove then you MUST tell her Mother, because she realises that the three of you do not speak; and buy not telling her mam, you are helping her to lie.

Jammis posts over in steps illustrate how hard it is with when a parent is very hostile.
Atm I have no advice just thoughts and empathy.

Yes, we have spoken to DSD1.

We have no problems with where she was (And TBH, we don't really understand why her mum minded, but there you go)

What's hardest is her mum would actually be madder that DSD1 asked me to help her... That would be her biggest bug bear.

thanks for the posts!!

Let her father handle it this time.

If her mother doesn't want to talk to you, then she has made her own choices.

BUT, I would try to maintain your relationship in the hopes that she would be able to call you if ever she finds herself in a tricky/unsafe situation, and she needs you.

Thanks PurpleDuck...

that's what I've done... I told her dad and he and his DD1 have spoken about it.

We have to maintain the relationship with her directly though. Her mother has done everything (and largely continues to do everything) to sabotage our relationship with both kids.

That's not to say all parents who class themselves as lone parents do that, and that wasn't my point posting here, but I wanted to get the advice from people who perhaps don't get on with their ex, IWSWIM.

really tough one

I also would be reluctant to break the 14 yr old's trust, but would not want to have her play the adults off against each ohter.

Agree with ER, this is a brilliant example of what can happen when adults don't co-operate with each otherl

i think you've done enough. you have 'listened' to your step daughter and not broken her trust. she clearly doesn't hold the same trust in her mum and its important that children have at least one parent they can trust. you have also made it clear to her that you do not like her lying to her mum so you are showing respect for her mum by doing this. she may have other personal reasons for not telling her mum and of course she may have selfish reasons. i guess what matters is what she has actually lied about. did she do anything dangerous or wrong? did she put herself in a dangerous situation? if not, respect her maturity and ask her to continue being honest with you and encourage her to do same with her mum. i don't think her mum will appreciate you talking to her. she sounds a bit defensive to say the least and probably wouldn't act too maturely about it.