how do you prove domestic abuse?

[cestlavielife]

by its nature it tends to be behind closed doors...
here mulling over the court hearing this week.. yes it was agreed supervised ocntact, but, one of the issues the judge raised was that some of the section 7 report (done by social
worker from disabled childrens team) report was based on "she informed me that he had
xxxxx" ("so this is what teh applicant is alleging then?" and he was there saying - some bit sof this report are completely untrue, this and that did not happen...)

however other bits referred to police reports and other
professionals. and some were her recording of conversations she had
with him.... but again, police reports were based on what i said -
except the one in august this year when he signed the statement i
made and admitted it was true my account of what happened. and said
to the detective "i lost control"... so that at least is there...

the fact they would not section him in 2007 (when he went completely mad for a few hours and attacked our son) he now uses as
evidence that in fact he was absolutely fine - it was just they only
had room on the psych ward and that was why he had to stay
there. "she overreacted, there was no need to call the
ambulance, no need for police, no need to go to hospital. i was
fine". (delusional maybe....but then again in psych ward he also
behaved fine. )

so this ability to switch on and off behaviours - is controlling
abusive behaviour not mental health? either way - he unstable and
unpredictable...

in feb 2008 the psychiatrist considered he did not have any mental
health issues and the issues (my log of behaviours) I raised with
her were domestic/relationship problems.... then when i moved out
with the kids she said he had depression (because of the split). in
october the GP says he has severe depression -because he asked the
gp to tell me that.... i think he decides when he wants to have
depression, when a mental illness label fits.... during family
therapy he talked a lot about his depression.

judge said - well it is her word, this is what she says happened.
and he of course refuted. however - i have a detailed log. would i make that up?

i think i can show i am "a good witness".
how much could i actually invent? and why would i do that?

why on earth would i go to court and want to pay for supervised
contact if i trusted him? some kinda perverted munchausens by
proxy?

then there are the recorded family therapy sessions when he made
threats to "go off to my home country if she wont be with me" "kill myself". these are there -
confidentiality issues but i am sure could be accessed?

ugh why am i thinking i have to defend myself? isnt the fact of
moving lock stock and barrel enough indication of my concerns? did i
call the womens aid helpline just for fun?

judge ordered another section 7 report this time by CAFCASS officer - and this will include observations from supervised contact - how confident can i be they will take my concerns seriously?

of course on some level i want to believe he has changed (i see no evidence) and will not put emotional or phsyical risk to the children - but can one ever be sure?

but i guess so long as the contact sessions go well over time i have to build trust?

but the separated dads who harm their children do so on unsupervised contact....

not sure what to say, but I know what you are going through - you have almost described my xh. particularly the me 'overreacting to things' when the police iand the mental health teams were involved. But he 'didnt really mean it'. As you say, the ability to switch the behaviour on and off. I have kept aggressive texts, but what do they really mean? I am not sure how aggressive someone else would perceive them.

I really dont know. How DO you prove it? they can always deny it cant they, and by its nature you tend not to tell others about domestic abuse. I have also kept a log, but as you say, xh can always refute it. I have even gone so far as to get signed statements from witnesses....

But he is behaving reasonably now, but tha is because his contact is supervised. This wont be forever, and then he can do what he likes cant he?

yes, and the fact they didnt section him is also 'proof' he is absolutely fine. But they wouldnt take him in if there wasnt something very odd going on would they? But he says I called the police, which I didnt. It just goes round and round and round..

im not sure any one should have the 'right' to contact with their child if abusive. this country makes me shudder that we allow innocent children to have to at the very least face someone they know shows no love and hurts them. that in itself, irrelevent to supervision being in place must be traumatic and im sure something that will stay with the child for life. cant you avoid all contact. im not sure id ever want te day to come where an ex then gets unsupervised access because they were behaved during those visits. afterall, they are supervised, he is bound to be on best behaviour. dont want to upset you but if i was you id probably try and disappear.