feeling fed up

[redpyjamas]

I have not personally seen my ex since 2002. He lives abroad, and for the first 3 years after we split (I had to escape him, as he was dangerous and controlling) he made no attempt to see the children, despite letters/emails/messages where he accused me of stopping him from seeing them.

He has now seen them a total of 4 times, in a contact centre. I am not willing to let them into his care, so as far as I am concerned, he must see them only in a contact centre. Long story, but this is for their safety and in no way do I feel any feeling of revenge or bitterness towards him. I am just sooo glad to be free from him.

But he is not happy with the centre. Last visit, he made a very loud and embarrassing (so I heard) fuss, and made impossible and improbable promises to the children and raged so much that the whole visit was a waste of time, from everyone's perspective.

I'm just feeling fed up because he sent me a letter today threatening court action. He has done this loads of times before, and nothing has ever come of it yet. His life is one big empty promise/threat. But it still worries me, and I just frankly wish he would bog off. Especially over Christmas.

It just fills me with fear that some misguided judge would fall for his convincing charming pretence. Or that he would try to take them away.

Just wanted to vent.

Can you make an appointment with a solicitor, to find out if he has a legal right to change the venue?

The solicitor will be able to tell you if he's bluffing

Don't be fearful

The contact centre staff are witnesses to what a nutter he is.

A judge, however misguided, would listen to them.

And if he doesn't, you can disobey. And see your MP and kick up a fuss.

Stop worrying. Keep all his mad letters and e-mails as evidence of his madness. Be happy without him.

Thank you for the responses. I keep telling myself not to worry. He is all talk, but never actually does what he says he's going to do. Well, actually he sometimes does but hardly ever, so I can't even rely on his unreliability!

I was reading another thread about Nar Personality Disorder. Wondering if he has it, but there are some aspects that don't match. i.e. he did have some friends (although, I suppose he did use them for his own ends), and he did show emotion, but that could easily have been feigned. It seemed overly extreme and not at all normal, and also he would suddenly flit to anger and utter coldness.

But what is the point of wondering? Even if he did, it would not help with the situation as I could not prove it.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Thanks for replying.

Oh, and I have spoken to my solicitor about it in the recent past. He does not want to commit himself to comment on whether a court action would work in my favour or not. So I can take no comfort or hope in that respect.

Any family lawyers here who could at least give me an idea of the likeliest result if it were taken to court?

Hi redpyjamas I am in a similar situation to you (abusive, cannabis smoking mentally ill ex). I have been in & out of court for a year now. My ex who hasn't seen dd for 3 years now has a supervised contact order. However dd refuses to go into contact centre. Not sure how a judge can insist on this if child is visiblly distressed. In your case & in most family courts there is an ethos of child has right to know both parents which of course makes sense when the absent parent hasn't abused, violent, drugs, mental health issues etc. I think your ex would have to attend a contact centre for quite some time before in is moved to unsupervised. He would have to turn up each visit & stop acting like a tit. Do you go each week? Hopefully he'll keep behaving like an idiot. This will not help his case. Do your children actually want to see him?

Hi alice,
He's only seen them four times in 6 years, and the last twice were close together early last summer. He claims he's going to see them again in March, but what he says and what he does are unconnected.
They love him. He's always charming to them, and lavishes them with presents. My oldest dd is quite perceptive though, and made a comment last time about different kinds of love, and how daddy loves with money whereas mummy loves with time. She saw this entirely for herself.

I'm sorry you have had court ordeals. Is it still ongoing? Did the judge say that it would be reviewed if he 'proves himself' with the supervised access? That kind of thing worries me, as abusive men can put on an act for as long as it takes. If he ever had control over their lives, the results would be devastating.

What exactly happened in court? How many hearings? Did you have to make a statement?

Does your ex have personality disorder?

Sorry for all the questions. Of course, if you don't want to answer just ignore.

same concerns here. have just got court order for contact centre i want - it is a nice space. i felt staff seemed well trained. he rejected it but had not made effort to see it...but realized he would not get anywhere without accepting i think.

the cafcass officer offered to supervise a xmas present session this week at court family room. then at least have clear break til contact centre re=opens in jan.

now he emailing saying will go back to live in his home country if his job is credit crunched in jan or feb... which means he wont see them at all.. duh.

amazes me how many similar stories - mental health personality type disoorders... what is it with these men???

Hello redjimjams

People with NPD can indeed have friends. They can show emotions. They can charm the birds from the trees if they so wish.

They also surround themselves with chaos.

Some of them get their kicks by taking everyone to court. Some of them just endlessly threaten to take everyone to court. They do it because they can, and because it upsets their victim, which is the point of it for them.

As you say cestlaville, so many similar stories...so many Ns.

Hi redpyjamas
3 hearings another in the new year. My dd has no concept of a father and although very young is making it clear that she doesnt want to see him. It is making her very stressed. Report was done but I felt my concerns were not taken on board properly. Ex made several suicide threats, was frequently delusional and has smoked cannabis for too many years. Judge did say it would be reviewed but seen as contact isn't happening I don't know where it is going to go. I believe my ex has (& so does my GP-described symptoms to him)either a personality disorder or cannabis psychosis or residual schizophrenia.Very difficult to tell but he is very unwell. Unfortanately he is also skilled at masking his symptoms.
In general it seems that courts will always stress the role of the father & do as much as they can do facilitate a relationship

Thank you everyone for responding.

I have read the Lundy Bancroft (is that his name?) book on DV, and my ex also fits the description in there to an absolute tee. And in that, he says that they (abusive men) are not neccesarily suffering from mental problems, but that they like others to think they do sometimes if it suits them, as it gives them an excuse for their behaviour.

I am just really confused. Was he NPD or not? He was certainly incredibly crazy-making, deluded by images of himself as future famous politician, seemed to genuinally believe that he was a great successful bread-winner when in fact he was (and still is) a loser, bailed out by his father. Could simply NEVER stick at anything that required any real concentrated effort, only ever cared about his own interests. If he ever did something for another person, it was just so he could make a point of it a prove that he was not selfish for his self-image etc. etc. etc.

His purpose of life, if summarised, boils down to power and control. He would simply do anything for it.

I expect they are all the same in that respect. But would those two adjectives classify a person with NPD, or could you have NPD without needing power and control?

To be honest, if it were not for the fact that my children are still at risk from him, I would just blank out everything about him. It does my head in totally.

Sorry, I keep rambling. But I have really appreciated what people are telling me.

Thank you again.

Redpjamas I spent alot of time trying to understand ex's behaviour, got all my psychology books from uni out, talked to a psychiatrist I know, tried to make him understand that he had a problem but he has absolutely no insight into his behaviour & you will probably never understand your ex. What's wrong with them boils down to the fact that they are basically totally screwed up. You are not. You got out.I found the more I analysed him the more upset I got. We can't do anything about it unless their behaviour is so bad they need to be sectioned. But honestly from experience thinking about it too much will make you ill. What you have to do now is try & prevent unsupervised contact. If he isn't always in the country then it will not be easy for him since there is little consistency & judges don't like that. Hopefully he'll keep making a tit of himself and dig his own grave. In court it's always (supposed) to be about what's best for the children so if you fear he may harm them then you must protect them. Women's Aid will be able to support you emotionally & give you practical advice. You can also talk through your fears with them if it's all getting too much. But try & get on with your own life. He might get no where

YES. QUITE FRANKLY, IF I HAD AN EX WHO I KNEW WAS A DANGER TO MY CHILDREN I WOULD NOT ALLOW HIM TO HAVE THEM REGULAR FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME. WOULDN'T GIVE A MONKEY WHAT THE COURT SAID. I'D DO EVERYTHING I COULD LEGALLY TO MAKE SURE THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN AND IF THE SYSTEM LET ME DOWN, ID DISSAPPEAR.