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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Dumped someone yesterday, needed to be done - why feeling so low?

20 replies

ninah · 18/12/2008 11:55

I've been singing his defaults on here. Now I've told him, gently (by email as we haven't been in touch for a week - yes I know it's cowardly). I should be feeling relieved, shouldn't I? instead I keep thinking about all his good points - gentle kind v keen etc. And instead of being irritated by his constant texts I find I'm missing them. No pleasing me is there? I don't feel desolate, just inexplicably low and with no enthusiasm for Christmas etc

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glitterfairy · 18/12/2008 12:43

Not surprised Ninah. I dumped someone in the summer for all the right reasons and was low for weeks.

Mind you we have stayed friends so that helped. It is different being with someone and then being alone again even if that was what we would rather be.

Christmas can be a hard time for singletons.

Original poster

ninah · 18/12/2008 12:48

It is, isn't it? I really didn't want to hurt his feelings but didn't expect to be so down and dreary. Was actually looking forward to the time and getting on with various projects I'd put on hold. Whereas I'm sitting on here and haven't even posted Xmas cards! If he called me now I'd welcome him with open arms and that's plain wrong. We couldn't be friends. He is a bit vulnerable/desperate and was going on about being in love, which is what finally freaked me.

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glitterfairy · 18/12/2008 16:15

Yup but it doesnt make it easy though so let yourself be down and then get on with Christmas and enjoy it.

Dont worry about him though. He sounds very needy.

Original poster

ninah · 18/12/2008 16:43

thanks gf! I'll try and wash him out of my hair
how's life with you?

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MascaraOHara · 18/12/2008 17:02

Hiya.. you did it then..

Just rememebr it's not him that you're missing.. it's the habit

you're used to receiving texts, knowng someone is thinking of you etc and now they're gone you notice the absence.. he's still thinking about you, he's just not telling you that.

Christmas will be fab!! don't do anything for a week or 2 and then if you still feel the same maybe give him a call..

Original poster

ninah · 18/12/2008 17:15

knew you'd have some good advice MoH! That's what I hate about relationships, they creep up on you and then ... Still not completely over ex I don't think. Really did a number on me. I'll review it in Jan. How's your young man?

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MascaraOHara · 18/12/2008 20:35

Sorry I sounded a bit matronly didn't I.. I didn't mean it quite how it sounded when I just read it back.

the new boy is just lovely.. still have stupid perma-grin. Not sure if it'll go anywhere but I have to be honest and say I'd forgotten how nice it is to watch a dvd with someone's arms wrapped around me. I think we'd probbaly see more of each other but we are both stupidly busy at the moment.

Anyway enough about that, don't I waffle.

Have you heard from him at all? do you think he's picked up the email?

glitterfairy · 18/12/2008 21:51

Hi Ninah things are good with me the kids are fab at the moment and doing fantastically well and so instead of being a smug married am now a smug single mother!

I go out more and do more than I did and saw xh the other day in the supermarket and whilst my hands shook like mad I just walked straight past him without losing it and spitting on him which made me pretty proud!

Original poster

ninah · 18/12/2008 22:07

oooh NOooo, Matron! it sounded pretty darn reassuring actually. Not matronly at all. His email basically went on about how he'd tried to call, I'd ignored his texts since Thurs (this is Mon btw) - but I had - and asking where he stood. Fair enough. So I replied and said I wasn't ready for anything too intense. Heard nothing since. Yes, he must've picked it up. Think you're right tho, it's the situation, not the person I'm missing.
I'm delighted to hear you're so upbeat gf! it hardly seems possible does it those days when we were with exs, like some distant nightmare. Well done for keeping your cool, it'd freak me out to see mine by surprise, luckily not likely as he is couple hundred miles away. I'm mostly like you too, a smug single mum. Just having a blip right now. Glad your kids are good, I know my ds is much happier nowadays. Tho he acted really bolshily around this chap when he came over, another stress to do without!

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glitterfairy · 19/12/2008 18:45

Hi Ninah. My ds who is 12 and a middle child was pretty bolshy with both my boyfriends. I think because they are boys they get a little territorial and because my X was violent he is far less trusting and scared I will get hurt.

It has even been difficult being friends with bf I dumped as ds has sulked when he comes round. I have told him that he cannot continue this behaviour and tried to ask him how he would feel if I targeted one of his gfs in later life but I am not sure he really understands.

Original poster

ninah · 19/12/2008 21:19

Territorial is the word. Yes, I remember your story. And your boys are older than mine (ds now 6) so I suppose it's to be expected. My ex was violent on one occasion that ds did not witness but ds remembers him shouting and me crying so I suppose he is wary too. He actually said to me when bf here 'I thought I was the only male around here' which is kind of and all at the same time. When my ex sees us he will say to ds look after your mother which riles me unbelievably.
I've just had an email from bf which says he understands and would still like to chat occasionally which I think is very nice. Although he's not rocking my world it is good to know there are kind gentle men out there, after our exes.

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glitterfairy · 20/12/2008 08:49

Ninah, perhaps it really is something boys have to go through as my ds says exactly the same as well as you dont need anyone else but me.

My ds was the one child my x hit the most and has had to take a long time sorting his head out about his feelings towards me for not stopping it earlier and not telling him when I started to address the issue. He says he was scared and if he had known I was on his side and had told X if he didnt stop I would leave it would have made his life easier.

He has had counselling from a relate counselor this year and that has been incredibly helpful. He no longer sees my x at all but has a very close relationship with his grandfather. My x also used to say look after your mother and you are the man of the house now (ds was 9 then) which drove me to screaming point but soon stopped when I no longer spoke to him . I wonder if some men need to hand over to another man they approve of when they leave?

I think working this through with sons is quite hard to be honest and their possessiveness whilst nice on the one hand does need challenging. My two girls are not like this at all so it is a definite gender thing.

glitterfairy · 20/12/2008 08:50

PS glad he wrote you a nice email!

Original poster

ninah · 23/12/2008 19:42

did it get easier with your ds over time gf? It's made me feel quite torn and guilty and if you have any strategies would be glad to hear them for future.

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glitterfairy · 24/12/2008 08:16

I take the piss out of him for it Ninah. I always find humour a good way to say something meaningful without getting into a deep conversation.

He is very hormonal at the moment so I am hoping that when he finally gets a girlfriend of his own in a couple of years he will start to understand my position and his place with me.

We have had conversations about his behaviour and he is aware there is a problem but to be honest I am not sure I have any really good strategies apart from time and patience.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 24/12/2008 11:16

glitterfairy my eldest ds aged 9 is the same.I think its all to do with age and finding their feet and kind of assuming that they're the man of the house now iyswim.but he is v anti me having a new relationship

Original poster

ninah · 24/12/2008 12:38

you see mine is only 6 so there is a limit to how much info I can give him. Have talked about families how they are all different and how it is good for me to have a grown up to talk to too.
Things are back on again with my poor dumpee so we'll see how it goes! luckily he is very patient - with all of us

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 24/12/2008 13:44

ah thats nice take it as a good sign then!I havent dumped my bf yet after long chat yesterday thou i think he was half expecting me to.I will wait to see how things go after xmas he has thanked me for being patient.

glitterfairy · 24/12/2008 18:46

Ah you are both more patient than me as I dumped mine but still see him for outings and chat at least once a week.

I told my ds about this thread and he laughed and said there was no strategy of course boys should protect their mums it was what they did! No hope there then.

Original poster

ninah · 24/12/2008 22:40

ah your ds sounds so lovely! - so I'll look forward to long years of interrupted 'moments' or total spinsterhood then. Your ex - as in the one above - sounds nice gf. A good friendship's worth a lot.
Met my dumpee in the pub today, venue my suggestion, to get out of this hell that is home. Was deserted with cheesy music and a grumpy landlord but was great to see him. He's having Xmas with exp and dc (but that's another thread) so won't see each other til after.

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