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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Has anyone ever lived in a womens refuge? If so what are they like? And what happened after?

24 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 17/12/2008 12:36

Sorry didn't know where else to post this.

Exp smashed my door down and has been violent in the past, I am worried he will come back again to start more trouble.

I have been advised that I can make a homeless application and will be place in a womens refuge, it may or not be self contained I am just wondering if you have lived somewhere like that, what are they like? Also were you housed by the council after? And if so how long did it take?

I feel I really should do this but am worried to take dd to some where like this.

OP posts:

Piffle · 17/12/2008 12:39

our experience was 30 years ago but it was a safe communal house with rooms mothers shared with kids. Cots bunks added/moved as needed
Shared bathrooms and rota kitchen.
My mum went into private rented as the refuge legal team secured benefits and so on.
Don't be scared soundslike you need a way out x x
Good luck

Coldtits · 17/12/2008 12:42

She'll be safer anywhere your violent ex can't get to her.

dittany · 17/12/2008 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DasherDancerPrancerFMVixen · 17/12/2008 12:49

is this any help - for a looksee?

Our local one is nicer than one would imagine. Though you do have to share facilities.

DasherDancerPrancerFMVixen · 17/12/2008 12:49

ah x-posted dittany

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 17/12/2008 13:08

Thanks for the tour, it looks nice and clean, but I bet that is one of the best.

Does anyone know what happens after and how long I could be there?

Will they accept me as I have only reported him twice and I have not been badly beaten but he has been violent and smashed my property and threatened to kill me.

Also what wikll happen to my furniture? Will they have somewhere I can store it? Or will I have to get rid of it?

OP posts:

Coldtits · 17/12/2008 13:17

They won't have anywhere to store your furniture. They WILL accept you, of course they will.

J2O · 17/12/2008 13:22

oh no cantpickyourfamily, can't believe it has come to this
can you not take the steps to get an injuction first?

fwiw i have been in a womens refuge and it was lovely, clean, friendly, helpful and safe.

my thoughts are with you

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 17/12/2008 13:29

J2O - I just think I need to get away from this property as I am very worried, I feel an injuction will not stop him. The police did not get back to me to say weather they had sent him to prison or not, but now he has text my mum saying I cannot stop him from seeing dd.

So what happened to you after? How long did you stay there? And where did you move to after? I am just very worried about it all as dd and I will be all up in the air and unsettled, and all I have ever tried to do was make a stable home for dd.

OP posts:

DasherDancerPrancerFMVixen · 17/12/2008 14:19

J2O, have you spoken to anyone at women's aid? They will be better able to answer some of these questions which are worrying you. Many have outreach workers who can arrange to meet you beforehand for support.
Have a look at the WA website, there is a 24-hour helpline and a Survivor's Handbook with loads of information. Sorry if you have already done this.

J2O · 17/12/2008 15:14

Dasher-i think that was probably aimed at youcantpickyourfamily was it?

youcantpickyourfamily-sorry to mislead you, i didn't actually stay there over night, i did have to go there to get help with something though, i did get moved quite quickly by special allocation through it.
It may be worth getting in touch with womens aid to talk through your options, also, what you going to do about your holiday? can you try and change your flight to a different time so he can't turn up at the airport.

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 17/12/2008 15:21

a refuge may be the answer... but please follow things up with the police. if he is behaving like this it is absolutely right to involve them.... and ask about a panic button etc.... also please get some legal advice.... you can get an injunction to stop him coming to the property and to stop him using / threatening violence etc. also an order that says if he wants to see dd he can apply to court for an order.....if he ignores the court orders that can be a criminal offence and he can be imprisoned if appropriate. you need to act to protect yourself and dd and show him you mean business..... v good luck.

if need be could you go and stay with family / friends while you get these protective orders / see what the police do?

needmorecoffee · 17/12/2008 15:29

we lived in a refuge for 3 months when I was about 8. Mum and children in same room, sahred kitchen.
As a child I thought we were on holiday and couldn't understand why all the grown ups were crying.

DasherDancerPrancerFMVixen · 17/12/2008 15:52

sorry, yes! Meant to say YCPYF...

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 17/12/2008 18:40

I have spoke to Womens aid who have given me a contact number for a local refuge, I spoke to them and they said I should call them after I come back from holiday and if they still have a place free they will accept me. They also told me about all the help and support they can give me which ounds very useful, so I now feel better about it all.

I will keep trying to contact the police to see what is being done and will take i to court if they will let me this time.

J20 - I don't think he knew the time of the flight so should be fine.

OP posts:

DasherDancerPrancerFMVixen · 17/12/2008 19:48

Good stuff.

Best of luck!

J2O · 17/12/2008 20:51

great, glad you are getting help. I hope you manage to get through the next few days without worrying too much and have a nice holiday. Good luck with it all

UnfortunatelyMe · 17/12/2008 22:33

I went to a refuge with my mum when I was 5. Womens Aid are fantastic.
Good Luck.
If you do leave remember to end tenancy where you are(my mum ended up paying rent arrears for months afterwards).

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 18/12/2008 14:16

v glad to hear you feel better and have some info. just wanted to say whilst it may be up to the police if they take him to a criminal court getting an injunction against him is your decision only.... no one can stop you doing that..... maybe womens aid could give you csome info re this??

izyboy · 18/12/2008 14:25

I used to volunteer with Women's Aid and we worked closely with HA's and the Council to provide move on accomodation from the Refuge plus help with benefits.

Before you end your current tenancy take advice from Women's Aid as to how to do it. You do not want to be written off as making yourself 'intentionally homeless' as this may affect any future move on accommodation on offer after your stay at the Refuge.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 19/12/2008 15:03

i cannot get an injuction as yet as there are bail conditions but I will as soon as they are up.

Thank you everyone for your advice and help.

izyboy - can I ask if I go through womens aid to make a homeless application will I be a low priorty or high priorty to house?

I spoke to someone that said I would not be high prioty atall so could be living in a b&b or hostel for about 5years. But womens aid said they can only make us live like that for a few days or weeks untill they find us a tempery flat. Not sure if you would know this much detail?

OP posts:

ChopsTheTurkey · 19/12/2008 15:45

when I was in refuge, I was classified as homeless, and high priority for rehousing. I think I was in refuge for about 5 months though, it can still take a while - guess it depends on area and local housing availability.

It seems quite complex that you already have your own property away from your partner, and may complicate things a bit more.

The refuge I was in was two semis knocked together, a kitchen between three women, a lounge, a playroom and own bedrooms with bunk beds and cots for the kids. It wasn't pleasant, but liveable.

missxvamp · 24/12/2008 12:18

hello i lived in diff women refuges for nearly a yr but only bcoz i kept moving as i never settled much. butttt i had no prob wit the refuges at all they were nice enuf. i didnt hav ny kids at the time but many women did hav kids and they seemed ok i mean the children seemed alot happier 2 b away from violent farthers etc. i got my own room but did hav 2 share bathrooms and kitchen etc. its really not that bad and i actually miss it now n again coz im lonely now and when i was in a refuge there was lots ppl 2 tlk 2. ummm when u enter a refuge u do get put on housing list again orrr u cud look 4 private rented etc. buttt as u hav kids it shudnt take 2 long 2 get sumwhere 2 live u get alot of support of staff as well and they also do days out and activitys 4 the kids as well. its really quite nice. yesss there will b sum staff u dont like or a rule u dont like etc but its all 4 ur own saftey. u have 2 b in 4 a certain time at nite etc but remember its a safe house!!! so thats wat there there 4 2 keep u safe. honestly u wud b fine n much better of than living wit a violent partner or relative let me know how ya get on

missxvamp · 24/12/2008 12:20

oh u can put ur furni in storage im not sure if u can get help wit the cost butttttttt its worth asking u do not need 2 get rid of it annddddd ur child will b happier and safe and also make friends

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