contact - ex says no to contact centre but what else is there?

[cestlavielife]

am new here. short story - abusive/mental health issues (depression/anxiety disorder/personality disorder??)ex, violent outbursts, i moved out with the 3 kids (he refused to leave the joint owned property), he was coming every day to see kids but didn't get it, said he wanted us back together, getting more frustrated, smashing objects etc...til he smashed his fist thru my door...police arrested him, has been on no contact, had initial court hearing which directed a section 7 report and supervised contact to be set up. report due on weds at next hearing.

have finally identified local contact centre which is a nice space - and they have a specific programme for supervised contact with a vew to moving forward...ex says no he won't see the kids in a contact centre (he has not even been to see it!).

he wants to go to "the library".

who is going to supervise there? has anyone arranged supervised contact (with profressionals, who trained in these cases...) outside a contact centre? how does it work?

he doesnt have PR at this point - we were not married and they were born pre-2003.

n

You have offered him supervised contact as directed by the courts. If he refuses this that is his problem.
You would not be able to supervise contact yourself in a library as the whole point of supervised contact is to allow the non resident parent and the children contact in a neutral setting that does not put the children at risk.

If a section 7 report has been ordered then the court would have considered that there is evidence of abuse either towards the children, you or both.

You are only responsible for making your children available for supervised contact as directed by the courts, your ex is responsible for turning up to this contact.
If he doesn't then more fool him.

Second what Idrank said. When you get to court you should say that supervised contact is available if he wants it. That's as far as you need to go.

Also agree with idrank. Dont do anything else as the courts will not view it well when they have ordered supervised contacts. You also have a duty to protect your kids and not to let them be placed in harm by this man.

he has been ordered by teh court.
if he refuses then he needs to appeal to teh court.

it is not for you to try and think of an alternative and i woudl advise against offering teh children for contact outside of a registered and properly supervised centre.

tks now seen s7 report which ugh reading _ reminding what he put us thru. recomends only supervised which very clear. he also saying he wont pay to see his kids tho he has savings which is why he does not get legal aid. but that his problem right!. i work and he is working for his friend but i dont know his income. it will cost 120 per supervised session! i dont speak direct is thru my solicitor. he using a male mckenzie friend who seems to be member of fathers for justice anti women. see what happens in court tomorrow.

Yuk fathers for justice yuk. Hope court goes well and that you and your family get a more settled outcome and picture. It is always a trying time but things will get better.

update - went to court - he was very jolly. told my solicitor he had been on anger management course and she should go too...and he had met men who had REALLY beaten their wives and of coure he was shocked and after all he had done nothing really...a push and shove here and there, smashing objects - nothing for me to worry about... (no insight gained into verbal abuse/manipulation/controlling behaviours clearly)

had a bit of discussion before going into judge - thru my solicitor - he didnt want contact centre coz he couldnt/wouldnt pay -he had no money - i said ok tell him i will borrow the money and pay but at same time i will get the child support agency onto him - to get from him a full income disclosure. then he cant get away with hiding his £££££ of savings... so he agreed to the centre and to pay halves..

we go into judge - she hasnt seen the detailed report! so skims thru and says what is the risk here? this is all "she said" "she alleges"...he got then room to say "oh yes it is incorrect". "my wife" has overacted. it isnt true... "my wife" called the ambulance july 2007 but i wasn't suicidal, i hadn't done anything... (yeh right i just imagined him attacking our disabled son and stabbing himself with kitchen knife!!)

but then my solicitor pointed out various paragraphs in the report on incidents including references to police reports, and she got the picture -more or less - i still felt she was thinking i was alleging the issues and was just bitter...(funny how last time it was a male judge who seemed to get it - this was a female judge who seemed to assume i was making it up!!) asked him about anger, had he lost it and he admittted yes...started ranting on about how he was on 20 mg citalopram, etc. so then the judge was then more clear on the need for supervised contact.

and another report to be written by a different child welfare officer...which is fine by me i will provide more evidence.

contact centre closed til jan 6th - the child welfare officer offered to supervise a christmas gifts handover on monday for one hour in the court family room so i agreed. they warned him not to put his emotions onto the kids, not to go in saying "i miss you so much" etc.

then we will have fortnightly supervised contact sessions, another child welfare report to be done by april , contact centre will also write report on each session - review at court in april.

so saga continues, we have supervised contact agreed which is what i wanted so kids can be protected. he brought out the "i asked her to marry me in march 2007 and she said yes" line -( changed my mind v quick, mate)and showed pictures of us a family in 2003 and 2005... ugh it was too much he kept saying "my wife.." - he said once "i mean, ex-partner..."

he was cocky and arrogant. "the report is all wrong"."i have written to the court" "i have asked her to mediate and she wont talk to me about this" - if you dont read the background papers and report properly you could get taken in by him....

of course if i can be persuaded after supervised sessions over next few months he is fine to have kids unsupervised then great! but i doubt i would ever feel comfortable...we shall see...

SOunds good cestlavie. Sometimes it does take a while for a judge to get the picture and frankly it is good he was told about emotional blackmail. Glad it has worked out ok although dont think you should have to pay for him to see the kids.

Don't worry about the F4J ppl, i have met them and yes, they do support fathers who want to see their kids but for the most part they do not support violent fathers refusing all contact or using contact in order to get up your nose which seems to be what your ex is doing..mine is trying the same, he was not interested in our son at all until he knew i had a new partner..then stepped up his campaign when he found out i was having a baby.. after swearing he would ruin my life and i would never move on and be happy unless i got back with him.

Stick to your guns, supervised contact even if only in the interim is best. I impressed upon the court the times when my ex had been violent ect, towards me and my children, in respect for my sons wishes i had allowed unsupervised contact but then the ex used this time to harrass my son about me and what i was up to, rather than focusing on having a nice contact with his son.
So back to court we went and i put in a request for supervised contact 'to keep the contact child focused' and to keep my son safe from being emotionally abused (by being asked q's about me)
If he turns into an arse, request a psychological assessment haha he will soon behave.
BTW..... if CAFCASS gets involved, they will pay for a contact centre ...

tks bluesapphire - i have the hole in the internal door to prove he is capable of violence (put his fist thru it) but the rest he denies...my word against his....

i think they gave me benefit of doubt - after all agreed to order supervised contact - but it does concern me that he can just deny everything i say! say i exagerate etc.

anyway will see how it goes.

xmas gifts exchange tomorrow him and the children at court family room - supervised by cafcass officer....

I hate people who say their partner is capable of acts of violence to put a spanner in the works of a father having contact with their kids, this is why i put my reservations aside and decided to go with the unsupervised contact, unfortunately my ex did not seem to grasp the concept of someone he had wronged so badly actually being reasonable, or he just wanted contact as a way of remaining involved in my life (often said he didn't want his son if i didn't come as part of the package) so rather than contact being a positive and rewarding experience for my son AND his father, it turned into an emotionally abusive situation and i was very upset at having to take the 'step backwards' of requesting supervised contact...my ex had not been violent to my son, as was my initial worry, on the contrary, when the courts are involved, the parent seeking contact usually is on their best behaviour... so i was reluctant to ask for supervised contact but it needed to be done. As long as you act reasonably, let him dig his own hole in the court..we must not forget what some men are capable of, as was in my mind 'if i can't have the kids you can't either' and in my case this was not something that i imagined nor was it a risk i was willing to take.
So due to the extreme acts of violence against me and my kids that i highlighted in my statement, the court agreed that contact should be supervised and that cafcass could pay for the contact venue. Its a small price to pay for guaranteed safety of both the children and yourself, the contact centre will make sure he is not violent to you upon delivery/collection of the kids
After all, YOU have rights as well.
As i say, i hope it goes well but if he continues to be an arse, just take his solicitor to one side and mention that if his behaviour continues, you may be pressed to request a psychological assessment. Use these words and watch his sol/barrister go quiet lol..my partner has a solicitor, i work so had to represent myself (i aint paying that much money for someone to do a job i can do myself) and his barrister was reeeeeally snotty until i threw that one at him, then he started being a hell of a lot more reasonable lol.
Best of luck hun xx

I think most judges will pick up on the fact that a man who refuses to see his DC in a contact centre when his XP is prepared to bring them there, is a man who is trying to harass his XP rather than act in his DC's best interests (basically a decent man who's XP is fibbing about his abuse would attend the contact centre regularly and behave beautifully all the time, not start causing bother from the beginning).