probably been done to death, but what is the christmas / birthday etiquette?

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I have split up with my x for 6 months now and things are still very raw - basically he left me for another woman

anyway, how do I handle christmas? I invited him over to help decorate the tree with me and ds, but actually found it incredibly hard and dont want to do that again. I cant deal with seeing him at the mo.

We had agreed that he would come to mine for 2 hours on christmas day to see ds - is that reasonable / normal? I had wanted it to be longer, but I felt so awful playing 'happy families' when we really arent one

also, his birthday is coming up in a couple of months? do I have to invite x to ds's party? It was only going to be a small affair with a few of his friends.

ds is coming up for 2 by the way....

how magnanimous of you - i wouldnt do any of these things.

You have to do what is best for you. If having your ex in your house makes you unhappy, your lo will sense it and then the point will be wasted.

Inviting your ex over for 2 hours on Xmas day is very reasonable and kind. You shouldn't try to play happy families tho, just try to be polite and stay calm. Work out what you want to happen in those two hours and make it.

Your lo will grow up with two separate parents, there is no need to play 'happy families'. As he gets older, he can have two Xmas's which to a child is great. I wouldn't try to involve him in special times that you and your ds can do together. Your ex needs to make the effort to do those things with your ds himself.

Personally, I don't invite my ex to my dd's birthdays but then our relationship is non-existent and I would rather stab myself in my eye. My family and friends would be put in a difficult situation as they all know what a shit he is and I wouldn't expect them to have to be polite to him!

As Custy said, you are being very good about it as I would do non of the things you have said.

My 3 dc have just had their birthdays and they either popped into xp's for an hour or so for their present or he dropped it off here.
He was not and won't ever be included in any birthday celebrations that I throw for them.
He can always throw his own afterall.

For my kids, trying to be amicable and still do things with xp just confused them as they thought it meant we still liked each other and might get back together. It also gave xp this impression.

Now I keep things as seperate as I possibly can unless one of the dc particularly request his presence at an event ie xmas play or something.

Having him around is clearly not the best way to go. Could you arrange it between you for your ex to take your ds for a little while, instead of having him in the house with you?

My parents divorced when we were small and never attended occasions in the same house. We had two Christmas Days (alternate years iykwim) so celebrating on the 25th one year with dad and say the 28th with mum, then alternate the next year.

I think you need to be cautious not to set a precedent/tradition tbh. As you have made the agreement for this year, why not allow x to spend time with your ds while you go upstairs/in kitchen or whatever.

Just an update.

I felt I couldnt pull out of letting him come over on christmas day, and so I have invited my whole family over as well. They will be staying for dinner and everything, but he wont.

Sounds like a good idea, especially him not getting dinner.

Last year I had exH from Christmas Eve until he made a run for it almost before dinner. Bad idea, I sobbed my heart out while sorting out stockings and all that while he sat there asking to help. Brought it home that as with every year previous I bought everything and organised it all while he enjoyed the glory of filling the stockings.

Same with dinner I organised it all while he only helped to bring through the dishes. Did manage to spray him with goos fat though was an accident honest

This year I am having Christmas eve night alone with my kids and stockings then round to PIL for presents, they are taking the kids to him on Boxing day. Much better arangement I think.

But I think a few hours on Christmas day that OP has aranged is good for a first year apart.

difficult one. my husband only moved out in nov and our 3 children are very young, still believe in santa etc so i had included him in all the run up events to christmas. he tried to let the children down on one event but finally talked him round. then came with us to event on christmas eve with children and i believing he was staying overnight for santa coming. was agreed for weeks in advance and he was happy with arrangement at time. i sensed he was going to let them down due to phone message he had left the day before christmas eve and by his actions on christmas eve day. he dropped us back home to say he was going to do some last minute shopping and 1 hour later sent a text saying he wasnt coming. my 6 year old daughter was DEVASTATED and in shock. it broke my heart. she couldn't take in what i was telling her. she was sat watching christmas films waiting for him to come for the night getting all excited about santa. he's always been an extremely selfish man but usually towards me and at that moment i truly hated him. he had put me in a mood and upset my daughter on christmas eve at last moment. i phoned him told him how our little girl was feeling. he made up totally useless excuses which were not important reasons in comparison. i made him explain to our daughter on the phone, of course he wasn't there to do it face to face and see the pain in her eyes. he tried to convince himself that she was ok even although i could hear my little girl trying to tell him that these so called jobs could 'wait'. she was having to concince him that she and christmas eve were more important. when she came off the phone she started crying again. he then expected me to be able to tell him what time the children would open their presents and of course i told him we were not about to restructure our day to any 'planned arrangement'. they would simply open them when they got up like always. he then arrived at 6.30 am letting himself in, i wakened to the sound of a mans voice and the sight of a man entering my daughters room. i quickly realsied it was him but he wakened the children so when they got up and myself we were all very tired. they were so tired they hardly noticed their stockings hanging outside their rooms. he then sat in a chair the entire day not offering to help with the meal. after the meal he told me not to clear up the dining room table as he would do it. he didn't and it stayed a mess until the following day when i had to clear it up. he also assumed he was staying overnight even although one of the reasons he gave for not staying christmas eve was because it wasn't his home. he had asked my daughter what all the 'nonsense' was about on christmS EVE which quite frankly just belittled her feelings and started to ask what the difference was between her not going to his house on christmas day to see his cats and the difference between him not coming on christmas eve to see his DAUGHTER. ps his phone message had suggested that the children stay with him on christmas eve and waken up on christmas day with him at his house and me waken up on my own to an empty house with them coming over later to see what santa had brought them. so i guess what im saying is. i bent over backwards to include him in everything which meant we could both experience the children for our first christmas apart and i was thinking about them also as it was so close to us splitting. i also accepted having all 3 children stay over with me on the weekend i had to get my little boys birthday party prepared because he wanted a night out. when i explained id do it if he could be here early as the party was a morning one and i had a hall to prepare, food to prepare, entertainers to pat, pick up keys etec etc. he agreed that he would be here to help. he then phoned at the time he should have been here still in bed but saying hed get there as soon as poss. i had everything done by the time he arrived with his 2 adult sons who also were unable between them to get out of bed on time. they watched me take down all the tables and chairs by myself etc and were totally useless. trying to be amicable and involve and include my husband has just proved to be more hassle than its worth and the likely hood of him letting the children down at the last minute. id rather not do it again and i agree it would confuse the children if we did, although i think theres no harm in inviting him to the birthday parties when they are in a communal area such as a hall but not the house and not christmas, it means too much to the children. i wont let him do that to them again. as far as christmas goes however. ive yet to discuss this but i do not expect not see my children on christmas day and equally if husband wants to see them that is fine. i have no family in england at all and given how much effort i put into christmas for the little ones i dont think it right or fair to be expected to spend it alone when i have 3 very young children. they also would worry about the other parent being on their own. my husband has his 24 year old son living with him and he has another son so he doesn't necessarily need to be on his own anyway. im going to suggest that while they still believe in santa that they are at home on christmas eve and christmas day for santa coming. they can then go their dads at 2 or 3 pm for christmas dinner , open presents and sleep over returning at 2 or 3 on boxing day for a meal with me. that way we all benefit. i did ramble a bit didn't i?