Am finding it hard to move on, just letting of steam really

[inthemistsoftime]

H moved out a month ago leaving me with 2 dcs. Its a mid life crisi, thing, says he didn't have time for himself when younger and that now he needs to be by himself!!!!!!

From where I am sitting it looks like hes out partying/drinking most of the time while I am left with all the responsibilities of life.

He wants "to be my friend" and I am finding this hard as I would prefer to have no contact so I can get over him. But as we know this is not possible as we have dcs to share.

So for the sake of the children I remain "friendly" but I still love him very much and would take him back, but I know that having made his decision he will stick to it.

Does anyone have any advice for the love lorn single parent?

ONe thing you could do is restrict any contact with him to child-related stuff and keep it a bit distant (ie texts WRT picking up DCs etc). Send him a letter or email saying that you think it would do you both good to have a little space from each other and you would prefer him only to contact you when it's about the DCs - but don't make the email miserable or aggressive. Be polite but distant.
Basically there are two possiblities: one is that your XH is a nice bloke who honestly wants to maintain a friendly relatinship with you - in which case he should have the decency to back off a bit while you are hurting. Even nice XPs will sometimes push a bit too hard to be 'friends' when what they mean is 'I want to feel less guilty about the fact that I have hurt you so please don't act sad or angry in my presence'.
The other possibility is that he wants to keep you as a safety net he can come back to (and definitely doesn;t want you even to consider looking for another partner) so he wants to make sure he is still in your life even though he is having/looking for sex with other people. You know your XH better than me, obviously - but either way, be calm but firm about keeping distance for a while.

I think you could be right, he is basically a nice bloke and feels very very guilty about leaving us.

I dont think he will come back, and thats the bit I am finding really hard.

I do need to maintain distance, but in reality I want to see him, I am so torn and feeling very pathetic, but I am aware that I need to look like I am having a good time because men hate needy women.

God I could strangle him right now.

I cant bear the thought of him introducing my children to another women.

I honestly feel that I could never another man in the same way.

And am to old anyway (43)

You definitely need to maintain distance. Things will get easier as time goes by, and there will come a point when you genuinely will be able to be friends/co-parents and have a good, comfortable co-parenting bond, but you can't force things to that stage too soon (or you will end up furiously resenting him and the situation - even more so, because you will not feel able to say so.) Unfortunately, when one partner has decided that they do not want to be in a couple-relationship anymore, then that couple-relationship is over, and nothing is more demoralising, depressing and unhealthy than desperately trying to 'win back' a person who no longer considers him/herself your partner.
If he is the decent guy you say he is, he will give you the space you need (and pay any agreed maintenance on time and stick to all arrangements made with regard to access to DCs and be available to look after the DCs when you want a night out.)
Actually - the nights out thing is quite important. Maybe once a fortnight or so, arrange that he has the DC for an evening/overnight and you go out somewhere. Join a club, go to the pub, go out with single pals or round to a mate's for a video evening (or even just to the cinema by yourself) but don't go into details with him about where you are going. Just say 'out with some friends'. It is no longer his business. THis is not about making him 'jealous', it's about demonstrating that you have a life and are not spending every night sobbing into a ready-meal-for-one.

I know that it is hard and miserable when a relationship ends, but being single is not as bad as being in a horrible relationship - or any old crap relationship-for-the-sake-of-having-one.

I know you are right, but it still doesn't make it any easier going through the motions.

I have avoided contact with him thus far except if necessary, however I feel he has walked into his new life with no real repercussions.

Why do people think that they can just stop the train and get off without looking back.

He wants as much contact with the children as possible as so far I have been very helpful for the sake of the children.

As far as I can see he is in a win win situation, which makes me angry, I promised myself that I would not stoop to shouting and name calling and so far I haven't but maybe I should have so that I can get some release from the anger I feel inside.

itmot

my ex did this. it is very painful indeed. i stayed angry until i realised that my anger was hurting me more than anyone. i still have bad days now - 6 years later, but they are few. well done for not name calling. i didn't either and that was the right thing to do for the children. sometimes i sat on the loo and said it all where no one could hear, just to get it out of my system. my suggestion is to channel your energy - go out, make plans, make sure the financial settlement is fair for you and the children. if it is any comfort, years later my ex is not happy. the problem lies within them - some will find a way through, some not, but it feels like we are collateral damage. i would encourage the access because your children will benefit and if you can take up a new interest. I started running - was so physically tired it really helped - that sounds odd, but it balanced the emotional tiredness if you see what i mean!!!! time is a great healer as sticks said. please vent on here, that will help too, and take good care of yourself. how old are your children??

Mist,how old are your kids?

My exH used exactly the same line about needing to be by himself to be himself and all that faff. Funny he moved straight in with the OW who still lives with her mum, good luck getting time to himself.

Start thinking of yourself

Thanks for all the support the dcs are 7 and 10, one of them suffers very badly from asthma, so I do need to keep the h close in case I need to get him to hospital quick.

H&L, I have been channeling my energies into studying and exercise and for the most part I get on ok, but I find spending evenings on my own very hard and I still haven't got back to sleeping properly yet.

Here on mn I allow myself to wallow a little!

Hello mists
I am 44 and my ex left 6 months ago leaving me with a then 6 months old baby. I have blabbed on about it on other threads...well not blabbed, been totally distraught and MN has honestly been my lifesaver (as well as RL friends but none of them have the cumulative experience and wisdom of the ladies on here. And many are around in the middle of the night too! So do keep posting).

My h just buggered off on a plane with all our money and has set up new life/home with a woman over there.

The hurt, the panic, the emtional destruction, the feelings of guilt, I blamed myself, the 24 hour anxiety about whether I could cope, the terror of being old. I understand it all. HOWEVER, I am doing alright now - as MNetters said I would. Not everything in my life is perfect by any means. But I realise that if h can do this to us he was not the man my son needed and not the man I thought he was. More than that though, you still have a great life to lead mists. YOU have a life. It is your life now. The hurt will heal. It takes time but you will come through. Even if he wants to come back/does come back at some point don't think about right now.

You have to find coping mechanisms now and remember that you are a wonderful individual, that your children can see that you are there for them, and love them.

Repurcussions for him?? Plenty. He has given up on being a full-time father. He has proved himself to be immature and he will find quickly that life on the outside is boring and has just as many restrictions after a while - even more perhaps - as being with his family. He will feel permanently guilty. He will have hangovers and going out gets expensive and dull. If he meets someone it won't ever be the mother of his existing children. He will MISS his children.

You have not shouted at him or berated him by the sound of it and he will be eaten up by that. He will lose respect amongst some of his friends for what he has done.

He will have a pretty shitty christmas.

You have your home, your children, your future. 43 is actually a bloody good age to be when this happens because you have more emotional and physical resources at your command than a 25 year old.

laugh at him. I am. Ha ha silly h wanting to rediscover his youth. He probably thinks he's special - in fact he's just the same old same old story of mid-life crisis bollox. And he has done the stereotypical thing.

Keep posting for support. Hope your family and friends are helping too.

Inthe mists- if he is wanting lots of access to the kids then there's no reason why you can't get on with an exciting new life too. You can be out partying if you so please. He needs to have the responsibilities of the kids as well as you. I agree exercise is a great healer as it'll start making you feel happier and also make you look good which will also give you a boost. Try and plan the new life that YOU want. Do all the stuff you could never do because of him.
Get nights out with the girls planned. Get folks over of an evening. 43 is not too OLD!!! (I hope not, for my sake!)

Amazon, I have been reading your thread and my heart goes out to you, I can only imagine what it must feel like-

For the time being he says there is no one else, however he has never lived by himself before, he always has the next one in the wings, so I am not going to trust him on that front.

He moved us from France to Winchester as it was a good compromise, giving good access to London but with the benefits of a small city.

Having now buggered off,he is living it up in London whilst I am down here without a great deal of support as I have only been here 6 months, on my todd.

I would love to get out in the evenings but babysitters are expensive here so I am limited to once a week.

However I have made the decision to return to London myself as it is where most of my friends/family are, and then I think I will take advantage of the free babysitting but until then I just have to go without.

He has said he is thinking about moving to an area near us so that he can see the dcs more, however he rarely gets home before 7 o'clock in the evening and says that maybe it wouldn't be good for the children to have other people looking after them when I am available. Is this a cop out or a genuine concern???

Hi itmot, i am have a very similar situation to you, h left in april for a 24 yr old who dumped him in july! he is now very confused (thinks he may still love me?? but i refuse to be 2nd best cos he hasn't got anywhere else to go)

Anyway he also wants to be friends and still do things together as a family (also known as having his cake and eating it!) i do still love him and feel very confused. I haven't seen him since sept as he works away and he is on his way here as i type this to spend christmas with me and children, i feel a mug for letting him but want my children to have a happy family xmas.

Anyway just wanted to let you know i understand your pain and wish there was a magic wand i could wave to make us both not give a shit! xx

Don't award him the luxury or the privilege of your friendship. He's let you down. I'm not going to demonise him, but he doesn't get to enjoy your company and friendship anymore. This is the path he's chosen, to go it alone without you. Be strong.

mists - please make sure that your kids stay over a lots at your exHs. I'm sure he is quite capable of taking them to hospital if necessary

please use this time to make a new life for yourself

please also go for counselling to help you deal with all your feelings of loss and anger

i agree with everyone who says keep your contact with your ex formal and business like. do NOT do things to make him feel better about what he has done, like invite him over for Christmas . his feelings are his responsibility to deal with

i don't know if it helps to say this but IME " i need some space" is man talk for " I am shagging someone else"

its hard to read your posts and accept that he is a decent bloke. lots of women woudl like soem " space" too but they would be vilified if they abandoned their kids like this

PS, I agree with what stickitupyourchimney says. When I used to say to my x "no, that day doesn't suit, you can see the children on Wednesday" he wasn't used to me talking in that style, and he thought I was being deliberately vague to wind him up. NO buster, that's not it! You are entitled to privacy now. And don't be made feel awkward or embarrassed or secretive about playing your own cards close to your chest.

It makes no difference whether 'it doesn't suit' because you're out with Robbie Williams or whether it doesn't suit because you're having your legs waxed. It's not something that is up for discussion any more. He doesn't get to influence your schedule anymore.

My x took a while to absorb this. His mother still hasn't grasped it!

forgot to say...i don't understand teh bit about it not being good for you to move back to London so the children could see more of your friends and family?

Great post from Amazoniancracker. You are right about the age thing amazon. SOmetimes I feel old, too old to start again etc etc, but if all of this (the car crash of my life that has been the last 18 months) had happened ten yrs ago I wouldn't have the strength and the perspective I have now.

I'd feel more embarrassed silly though that is!

It is so true that you do still have YOUR good life ahead of you. It is nice suiting yourself. I like it. Finally. After years of trying and failing to please somebody whose default setting was grumble.

YOU have two children, your own home, and you have exercise and study! Jogging has helped me so much. I wish I lived near you, we could help eachother out. There must be loads of single mums in Winchester. I was there once! It is lovely, really lovely btw!

Keep coming back here to vent. That's what's so great about MN, in rl I never meet another single mother. You could believe every other sod in the whole world was happily married if it weren't for MN keeping us SANE!

he has a phobia of commuting and hated commuting from our house in London to work, so we decided to move here so that he was able to work 2 days at home and then spend 3 days up in London at a friends house-

I know it sound like he was having his cake and eating it, but I trusted him!

You don't need to pay for babysitters! Your DC have a father who can look after them on evenings you want to go out. That's one of the most important things to insist on, especially with a man who 'wants to be friends' - if he is a 'friend' he will be happy to look after his own children in order for you to have a social life.
He should be either having the DC overnight or (if you can make this arrangement suit) spending the night in the family house with them overnight (while you stay at a friends' or something) at least once a fortnight.

he cant currently do babysitting as he is in London and I am in Winchester and he would have to stay overnight with us.

I am not comfortable with him spending that much time with us, it goes back to "having his cake and eating it." When we are in London (jan) I shall be able to ask for babysitting duties as he can go back to whence he came at the end of the night.

He is currently having the kids every other weekend which has been great, as I now am a lone parent and actually getting the benefits of being one (if there are any!!!)