Should I say my piece or just get him out of the picture (sorry long and ranting)

[scubagroover]

Actually I have no idea why I am even vaguely surprised about this. Basically am now 30 weeks pregnant by my ex. We had pretty much split up at the time that I found out I was pregnant. I told him before I had made my decision about what to do so he called me multiple times a day, crying down the phone saying that the only option was for me to abort. Never any question about me. Despite all this I decided that I wanted the baby and so here we are.

Throughout the pregnancy he has been errrr..... somewhat less than supportive. He has been to 2 scans and that is it. He lives about 150 miles away from me. He went through a stage of being quite supportive & then suddenly completely changed, never called, everything was "too stressful and moving too fast" for him.

So weekend before last spoke to XP and said that I was pretty annoyed that he never ever even bothers to call me and that returning a call is NOT the same thing. Got the usual old guff from him - he makes out he is the only person in the universe working full time etc etc. Anyway told him that the baby was lying transversely and that it was very painful but that I had an appointment with the midwife and so was hoping they would try and move him a bit to take some of the pressure off. He was like "oh let me know how it goes" to which I said that if he wanted to know he presumably knew how to operate a telephone and it was up to him to call me. Cue deafening silence. So on Sunday I got really pi$$ed off and sent him a text saying "in case you were wondering (though your silence clearly proves otherwise) my midwife appointment was fine and baby has moved (thanks for asking) to which I get a response last night saying (I type this as it appears so spelling mistakes are not mine) "hi, I no I'm being crap & that is making things bad. It's not that I don't care I do I am freaking out & needed some head room. Please b patient with me. Will call tomorrow if that is OK?"

Am I being unreasonable to completely let rip at him and tell him (again) that actually this is not about him and that whilst it was a shock for all concerned in the beginning I am now 30 weeks pregnant so there has been some time. The only thing he has been asked to do is to attend 2 scans (he asked to come), otherwise he has done and offered to do, nothing?

Sorry hope that makes even vague sense...

It sounds like you've already made your feelings clear. You've split up now and you can't make him care. I hope you've got much better support than expecting him to help/support you.

Sorry you're so unsupported

Agree, you're banging your head against a brick wall if you expect him to actively be involved in the pregnancy/birth etc. Give up and find support elsewhere from people who are willing to give it. He made his feelings perfectly clear but you decided you wanted a baby so have gone ahead. You cant force him to show an interest and will only stress yourself out of you continue to hound him into doing so.

You can't get him out of the picture, he's the father of the baby. I think maybe you need to look elsewhere for some support for yourself at the moment rather than expect him to provide it. The good things is that he did come to the scans and hasn't just disappeared off the face of the earth.

I do think that splitting up with someone is hard enough, and the people involved need time and space to get over things. If you weren't pregnant you'd probably have no further contact with him - but you are, so this complicates things and it isn't a "normal" break-up and I'd guess he is trying to get his head around the fact that you and he are not going to be in a relationship but will have contact with each other forever because of the child.

I think too it's a really difficult situation for him because he didn't want a child and he's going to be a Dad against his wishes. He's got a lot to come to terms with and I think maybe you need to cut him a bit of slack.

Not an easy situation for either of you and I sympathise.

my ex is a bit like this too hun, & I know it's hideous...

but I've found the best attitude to take is to tell yourself he's NOT around, try & get strong on your own, build up a support network of other mummy friends (try the netmums meet-a-mum boards if you don't know anyone yet, or join some antenatal classes)...& then any support or attention you do get from him are just a bonus. Don't shut down on him because he IS The dad and it would be best if he was in your baby's life in whatever small a way...but I agree, breakups are so hideous for everyone & men are just a different species: they don't confront problems head on & can't be forced into reactions - have to let them come round in their own time or you could well push him away from the baby altogether...espec if you basically made the decision not to abort against his wishes (I'm with you completely on that one, as I did the same).

REally good luck, I know it's hideous...but you WILL come out of this a much stronger person than yu ever believed you could be, & with a gorgeous baby, with or without your ex's help

x

Erm...sorryk, I can't work out what is going on. Did you split up in the end? Has he said he wants to be involved once the child is born?

If he's not your boyfriend any more there is no reason he should be concerned about you very much - about the baby, yes, perhaps, but whilst it is inside you he probably sees these communications as about supporting you, which frankly isn't his job any more.

I had the opposite - well, after the begging me to get an abortion bit, my ex tried to get back with me during the pregnancy and I told him where to go.

You need to figure out if you want to be with this man or not. If you don't, I'd suggest you start enlisting support from other quarters - and if you do, then tell him, but I don't think you can expect him to look out for you during your pregnancy unless you are together.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh and yes it does suck being left in the lurch, but the sooner you get used to the fact he has no responsibility to you any more (just to the baby) the better you'll feel.

Sorry, I did sound harsh and didn't mean to.

Having been there twice I have become old and cynical

First time I was still with the man but he was with someone else as well, complicated, he didn't pull his weight and still does not.

Second time we had broken up and he was a git and I wanted him to leave us alone, which eventually he did.

It's horrid for you but it does sound like you are still trying to exert your anger and annoyance at him from the relationship that used to be. work out what exactly you expect and want from him. Then think about how he can do what you want him to, and whether it is reasonable to expect it or whether you are just cross with him still and using the pregnancy as a (good!) excuse to have a go at him.
I can't tell from your OP really. And I'm not saying he is in the right here, just that there seem to be few boundaries and it isn't clear whether the relationship itself is over or not. IYSWIM.