Men and taking on your existing children

[OhGetOverMyself]

I wondered how often this works out, and how it works really...

Am possibly about to be seeing someone lovely and he has no children, is in his mid forties, never been married but had a few long term relationships.

He seems to treat his women well, leads a simple life, contented, etc and I think he likes me a lot...but I am worried in case he can't deal with the fact I have two kids already.

How does it work? I'm thinking we probably won't live together at least for a long while, as I am on benefits and I'd hate to ask him to support us all financially as well as the emotional side of it. I'd love to have a child with him but not sure how we would cope if I did. And it's early days.

Please can you share your story if you found a good man who took you on as well as your children? Also I am worried about how to minimise any negative impct on the children - apparently boys whose mothers remarry do worse in the scheme of things than those whose mums stay single, not sure why this is.

I want the boys to be alright more than I want to be with someone myself iyswim.

hi, dont have any experience (sadly) personally but my brother (a good man!) is married to a girl who lost her husband when her 2 dc were v little. they now have a dd of their own & all 3 kids have grown up into great children (the eldest now teenagers). they all call my brother dad & altho the older 2 know about their 'real' dad they are a proper family & seem v v happy. this bloke seems lovely - i can see that you want to be careful but happy endings do happen, so good luck!

Daisy thankyou that sounds incredibly positive.
I guess every situation is different, can only take it slowly and hope he is made of strong stuff...

i dont think you should be thinking as far ahead as whether or not you will be living together, if you havent even started seeing him yet

just take it at your pace and enjoy it, let it develop naturally

DH and I have a dd each which is slightly different. It also helps that our dd's are the same age and love each other.

We both already had our children when we met so we sort of came as a package. I was a single parent supporting myself and dd and at first I was very reluctant for him to help out financially as I was fiercely independent. Then he made it clear that he wasn't going anywhere, that he loved me and dd, and was in it for the long haul and now we have a house, a mortgage, we got married and our first baby is due in Feb!

However, I would say it hasn't been an easy ride to get to how we are now. It took a lot of time and tears and adapting to make our funny little family. I would say take your time, have him around spending time with the boys but don't force them to have a relationship with him, it will come with time.

It may be tougher on him as he doesn't have any children of his own and I think sometimes this makes it harder for people to understand the love you have for your children. But I'm guessing he's probably thought about a lot of this stuff, probably more than you realise!

Hi Lou

Well I've known him 7 years...I suppose I am trying to be pragmatic as there's not much point entering into anything if you can't see how it could possibly work in practical terms...

Saying that I have far more hope this time than with anyone I've seen since ds1's dad.

When I was pregnant with ds1 this bloke said he wished it was his baby, he was talking about buying a big house, I think he thinks about these things too

why didn't I take him up on it back then!!

i hope it goes well

Hi Markstretch, thankyou for a lovely post

Yes maybe he has...

The other day he was ever so patient with them. He just talked and joked with ds1. It was lovely. His brother has kids so he knows something about it all, but his views are quite simplistic and straightforward, very easygoing person - I like that actually. He just has a view on kids and is very kind to them and I think he was impressed at how personable they were, really.

Your story is great, hope things continue to be wonderful - it is so nice to hear that it can work out. Wow, and a new baby coming

I so hope I am saying those things to someone in my position in a few years...

We hear such a lot in the news about horrible step fathers and we see a fair amount of negative posts about step families here on mumsnet, but I think it's important to remember that it's because difficult situations get talked about more than posts saying 'nothing's happening here; everything's nice, stable and happy'.

Some of my more negative friends believe that a step father could never possibly love a woman's children as much as a real father would. I disagree, as would many adoptive parents. Having fostered, I know that I am capable of loving a child who is not mine genetically just as much as those I grew in my own body. There's nothing particularly special about me, so if I'm capable of it, there must be many, many more people out there, many of whom will be men, who can love someone else's children. And TBH even if the love they feel is not as powerful as though they were their own (more common if children are older when a new relationship forms), it really doesn't matter as long as the new parent recognises the importance of treating the children the same, being emotionally available and supportive.

Research suggesting that boys tend to do less well if mum gets a new partner does not apply to everyone. There is a vast difference between a single mother whose children see a succession of male partners come and go throughout their childhood and a single mother who eventually settles into a mature, loving and supportive relationship with a new partner who recognises the importance of the children to that relationship.

I'd say go for it. You are being rightly sensible about thinking about this, and taking your time with the relationship before allowing him to build a bond with your children. I think that shows that you will only allow him to alter your family dynamics if you are fairly sure that he's 'the one', and that puts the odds in your favour. Only time will tell, but your attitude suggests to me that you don't need to worry about damaging your kids at all.

Good luck.

My DP ten years younger than me, no children of his own but took to DS brilliantly.

Initially it was ALL roses, I was so amazed to have a man in DS's life who actually behaved like a father, loved the family life.

But... its difficult.. espec. if your ex is on the scene. I think far more difficult for the new man on the scene as he has no security and if he has no kids initially will not know what the bad times are like IYKWIM. Easy for them to walk away or absent themselves when things get a little tricky.

Talk... talk... and talk more... and good luck !

thankyou both...it's a good point about adoptive parents, Optimists. I hope it is true that he could really give something to the boys. That's partly why I wanted a partner in the first place, so they have someone else not just me.

Manky - another happy story
One good thing about (dp) is that we can talk well, I feel very relaxed and able to say what I think with him.

I am lucky in that I see neither of their fathers, and (dp) knows this, and perhaps it will make it easier for him although in the past he has commented on it perhaps not being a good thing that they don't see their dads. I am not sure what he thinks about it and must ask him if we do end up getting together/ going out.

Part of me is worried about this as he saw ds2's dad recently and they still speak occasionally. I would rather keep our lives very separate and especially if there is any likelihood of him getting jealous and behaving obstructively if me and (dp) want to set up a family. I think that is the thing that worries me the most.

I'm not sure how loyal he is to me yet. He has spoken to his workmates about me from something he said the other day. I hope he is not going to give anything away to ex, as I am very private and slightly paranoid these days. Hopefully he is on my side enough already, not to do this.

Also I am already thinking he is 'the one', which is possibly a bit dangerous as it might mean I ignore warning signs to avoid disappointment - am setting myself up a bit, and ought to stop getting carried away.