ex is taking me to court - what can I expect?

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xh is being a totally unreasonable.

following a suicide threat in which he was detained by the police and taken to a mental hospital (and released, now having counselling), I put supervised access in place (with my parents being there, not at a contact centre). xh is unpredictable and I am not sure he looks after ds's needs properly. For example, He has texted me aggressive texts while ds was in his care and then dumped him at home without saying goodbye or anything - to say this does not affect ds is ridiculous. And he has done this several times. He also hasnt ever prepared his food (he has allergies), he doesnt look after his eczema, he doesnt know his routine. And there are other things too that I can't really be doing with going into here.

ex wants full unsupervised access. I suggested mediation and ex refused - it is his way or nothing.

So ds is nearly 2. He has been seeing his dad for 6 months post separation (we lived together beforehand), twice weekly (except when ex cancels - 8 times in 6 months). He has never stayed out overnight except round mine with my mum, or elsewhere with me.

ex is taking me to court, demanding full unsupervised access every other weekend for the full weekend. I think we need to build up gradually to this - starting with half day unsupervised (he has threatened to not return him, and to see he is looking after ds properly),then full day, then overnight - all over a period of months. Then when he is old enough to handle the 2 week separation (at his age, I think weekly is better than 2 weekly - he needs to see his dad frequently), staying every other weekend.

so what can I expect at a court hearing? How likely is it that he will be granted this, and can I do anything about it if I disagree and think it isnt in ds's best interests?

Given what you've just said, I think it is unlikely that your ex will be granted full, unsupervised access. He will need to bring proof that his mental health has been assessed as perfectly capable of looking after the needs of a very young child.

That said,you need to go prepared. Gather as much evidence as you can about his unstable behaviour and document all the incidences you have mentioned above, including saving text messages and naming any witnesses (if any).

It is nearly always in the best interests of a child to have contact with the NRP, but where that NRP is a possible danger to the child, whether intentionally or unintentionally, a court would be reluctant to grant unsupervised contact. IF you can back up what you've said here, I would think that a court would order supervised contact to begin with, followed by another assessment 6 months or so down the line.

Good luck.

May I suggest that a contact centre may be helpful?

Supervised contact for a specified period, and if there are threats of abduction (i.e. not returning DS) then there are legitimate reasons for such.

Your idea of gradually building up trust and confidence is a good one, But perhaps in a supervised environment such as a contact centre where there are impartial people to observe any contact.

The next step, if you went to court, would be for supervised contact followed by a CAFCASS report, where the report may be observed in a Contact Centre with recommendations to follow.

In other words, it would be a long time before yout ex DH would be able to take DS unsupervised. And even then, probably with conditions....

Have been through vaguely similar situation. IME courts will expect contact to progress to unsupervised quite quickly if nothing really dreadful has happened during the supervised bit (my solicitor says it's normal for this to happen after only three months). Then if unsupervised day time contact goes ok overnights could be introduced and what seems to be the standard formula of 'every other weekend and once during the week' imposed. You have every right ( I think) to insist that this happens gradually over a period of months, as you are suggesting.
Please be aware that you need hard evidence of the things you allege (for eg I hope you kept the aggressive texts?) and that the court might not take your concerns about XH's ability to care for DS as seriously as you do.
BTW, CAFCASS don't recommend that children go for overnight stays until they're 3 years old if the resident parent (in this case you) doesn't support it.

Rememb er that there will be documented evidence of him having been detained and (presumably) briefly sectioned: the court would want to see plenty of evidence that his mental health issues are under control.
As others have said, gather and keep every bit of evidence you can and present it to the court.

Is there any chance that he doesn't actually want the access but wants to cause you stress and inconvenience? Ie might he drop the case or go loopy again?

I have evidence of the aggressive texts (saying he will cut off my money, he doesnt give a fuck, he wont see ds if I am not there), my mum has witnessed phone calls and written accounts of his walking out during contact, my dad has witnessed the same. I have kept logs of all of his access and whether or not he turned up, and I have phone calls recorded in which he says he wont see ds, refers to when he threatened me, and tells me 'if anything happens to me it will be on your head' an hour before his suicide threat.

Good news about the not weekends before 3 - that is over a year so plenty of time for ds to get used to it.

I am told him I would let him have ds unsupervised for 2 hours, but dont know if this is a good idea. It is 6 weeks since the suicide threat, and he has been reasonably stable since then. But he has still threatened to not return him (but he has obviously seen a solicitor since then, as yesterday he said it would jeopardise future access if he did that). Should I let him, as it has to start somewhere, or should I wait?

This is NOT RELATED, but he has just started a new relationship and wants to introduce ds. Is there anything I can get in place to insist he waits a period of time (even just 3 months)to do that? After all the upheaval ds has been through, I dont think he needs this too!

Keep a contact diary and ensure that when you feel he is risking the health of your ds you follow through and prevent problems.

One of the conundrums for me was that if I didnt do anything and tried to facilitate contact when my X was violent then I got told off for not protecting my kids. I had to follow through with social services (child protection) and the police every time he did anything in order to ensure that everything was fully documented and I was visibly seen to be protecting my kids safety. I made sure I emailed X every time he did something with a full account of what he had done and my objections to his behaviour and kept all the emails.

That said I would have done some of it anyway and still do whenever anything happens.

Oh god it sounds rubbish I think you are doing all you can and the written diary etc will be on your side. an't offer much advice as havent got as clue but as I have an almost 2 year old as well can completley understand your worries

You would be well within your rights to ask that the new g/f isn't introduced until a specified period in order to maintain a bit of stability for your DS.

And I think that a recent suicide threat is a justified reason for either supervised contact or no contact.

I think you might honestly be best off saying that you will not allow him unsupervised contact because of his behaviour. It is likely that he will then get even more bananas, thus helpfully providing you with more evidence against allowing him unsupervised contact.
AAre you getting advice from WOmen's Aid as well? The threats, etc, are domestic abuse and you need to have everything in place to have him treated as an abuser, not a poor depressed daddy with an unreasonable bitch of an XW. (though it sounds very much as though there is plenty of evicence in your favour anyway).

you see, he makes me feel like I am overreacting.
I have concerns about the threats, the aggression (I dont think he would physically hurt ds, but I think he would behave aggressively while ds was in his care), his instability meaning he is likely to fly off the handle (usually to do with something I am doing), whether he can accommodate the needs of ds (his skin and his food), whether he has appropriate sleeping etc arrangements (he has had him unsupervised before, and he slept with him in xhs bed for his nap). If he can say that dumping ds out of the car, not saying bye and speeding off wont have any impact on ds then he obviously has no idea about the needs of a toddler.

But he is making me feel like I am being vindictive. And that he can look after ds fine, but it is my asking for supervised access that is making him hostile towards me.

It is very confusing

You are not being vindictive. You are concerned as far as what's in the best interests of your child.

A lot of people use the Family Court system to make threats, when in fact, it can be the absolute best thing for all concerned as it's an independent assessment of the situation.

Believe me, no one will blame you for being concerned about your XH's ability to look after your DS 6 weeks after a suicide threat.

Really.

i think you need to collect all evidence and make sure any of your replies to his texts are not aggressive, quite the opposite in fact. keep it mature, reasonable and amicable. and if not necessary, dont respond to those texts as you will be accused by your ex of provoking such aggression. also note on the calender when he lets your child down so you can show how irregular his contact is. any changes in your childs behaviour etc after spending time with his dad should be noted. keep everything you can and make sure you take it with you. be clear about your concerns regarding your son. hope it goes well.