Stupidly getting upset about Xmas

[UnfortunatelyMe]

Ugh.
The story is that xp is a knob.

We spilt up 1.5 years ago, he has never made any effort to pretend he wasnt a knob, and last year I let him stay Xmas Eve for the kids and the first words out of his mouth to me Xmas Morning were something like Not Happy Xmas or something daft like that anyway and I just thought FFS and spent the rest of the day tolerating him while he sat on the sofa.

SO of course, this year, Im thinking well I dont want a repeat of that, and now we are further down the line XP cant keep his rotten mouth shut, in front of the kids, saying things such as bla bla, "Mummy wont want you around because she will be going to the pub with her man friends"(Fucking Pathetic) so WHY oh WHY am I feeling incredibly sad, and guilty about texting him days ago to say I didnt think we could spend the day together harmonously, so I think we shouldnt spend Xmas Day together?

Its really making me feel quite ill actually I KNOW its for the best, and I know he would drive me up the wall, and I know it would be a day of insults for me, but its making me cry.

I didn't want this for my kids. God. Feel free to ignore. Just needed to offload that.

[anothermansmother]

hi! you are doing the right thing...its your xmas too. the kids will pick up if there is tension and why should you have to run around after him whilst he does sweet FA all day in your home?
if he complains tell him you will all come around to his and he can do the xmas dinner etc and give you a break...that will probably stop him in his tracks!
are your Dcs seeing him on XMAs day? if not just tell them that they are getting 2 xmas' one with you and one with him.
i understand where you ar coming from regarding the feeling awful about the situation but why should you. dont panic your Dc will see you XP in his full true colours as they get older( providing that they are not older already)
take care and try to enjoy the "Jolly" season!
xx

[UnfortunatelyMe]

Thanks..Xp will not see kids Xmas Day if I dont spend it with him as he will drive miles from Kent to Scotland to spend it with his family up there.
Maybe this is where the guilt kicks in, I feel this is my fault, but if he wasnt an insulting knob I would happily share the day with him?
Ugh.

[nissa]

Well I think you are doing the right thing.

You wouldn't put up with a day of crap any other day of the year? You may be feeling guilty but you're kids deserve a happy relaxed xmas don't they?

If he decides to go to Scotland instead of seeing the kids boxing day or something then that is his choice.

Don't be pushed around by guilt.I bet he never feels guilty for making you feel bad and putting you down in front of the kids.....

[Leslaki]

Was about to say suggest he sees the kids on Boxing Day, but if he's hundreds of miles away, arrange another day around the Xmas period for himt o see the DCs. You are doing the right thing. No way could I sit around with Exh on Xmas day.

[UnfortunatelyMe]

I think im doing the right thing too, I imagine its also quite tense for the dcs, just waiting for him to start dropping insults/me to react.
I dont know what he is is doing, I havent asked. It would be nice if he too had an xmas type day with them, but im a bit nervous to suggest it..
Tis never easy is it?

[charmargot]

Of course it's the right thing. Being together is clearly not an option, can you talk amicably about a fair way to share the christmas season? If not I'd just suit myself and maybe give them some time with him pre or post Christmas.
Could you have kids at Christmas and he have them for New Year or vice versa and then swap next year? Do they go to him at other times? Or could they be at yours for morning and lunch and then his for afternoon and tea? If you suggest that and he buggers off to Scotland then I would tell him he will have to have a separate Christmas before or after he goes, but Father Christmas only goes to your house on Christmas Eve night!
I'm not in your position (yet!! my bloke has been sleeping on the couch since my birthday on Tuesday as he's angry with me for being ungrateful that my present was a blimmin gardening journal (?!)), if I was I think I'd decide what I thought was best and then do that.

[UnfortunatelyMe]

I have thought of suggesting new year, he will think I just want a baby sitter
I dont want to offer alternative Christmases(selfish cow, im not doing all the hard parenting lark while he gets to be mr weekend dad who takes them out spends oddles of money on them and hands them back to me to be bathed with a bag of dirty washing).
He does see the kids often, tues and thurs nights and every second weekend...however, this is dependent on him not having a girlfriend, the minute something more interesting than them comes along they get dropped
lol at yours being on the sofa over a gardening journal...its not as bad as a frying pan...or a tea towel

[charmargot]

You can't have it both ways, what's wrong with him thinking you need a babysitter? You're a single parent, of course you need one! Will he have a kid free New Year this year? If so, when will you?
Or he takes them for 2/3 days between Christmas and New Year while you get a break?
He put himself on the sofa!! He's in a major sulk, so not only do I have rubbish present, I have to make up to him for not liking it!!

[UnfortunatelyMe]

lol @ your bloke, its Xmas, go tell him what you really want for Xmas and make sure he gets it!

I dont mind not having a kid free New Year, it was just that if I offer him the kids(thinking he might want them) it will be turned back on me IYKWIM, that its my benefit, not his/theirs you know?

[charmargot]

Yes, but then the answer to that is "so what!" Just 'cos it ticks 2 boxes doesn't mean it's not for their/his benefit.
I'm gonna rifle his wallet to find the receipt for rubbish journal and equally rubbish fingerless gloves and hat - I'd asked for hat and gloves, but even he laughed when he realised they have no fingers. I'll then tell him exactly what I'd like for Christmas, but meanwhile he's a tosser!

[ELOB]

i split in nov from h. he moved out but is very close by. he sees children regular and often and is always on phone to them etc. i included him in all christmas events/trips to see santa etc on run up to christmas which he claimed to be happy with. i obviously did it for the children as they are only 18months, 4 and 6 and we split so close to christmas and trying to keep things amicable for their sake. at the very last minute on christmas eve night when he was meant to be staying over to see little ones open santas presents etc he sent a text saying he wasn't coming. had to clean his kitchen etc. my 6 year old was devastated as we'd spent christmas eve at lapland together, daddy included and she was expecting him to come back in about an hour after he had done what he needed to nip out to do. ihad sensed the previous day that he was going to let them down yet he went along with the arrangement which had been agreed for weeks. i handled my little girl really well and compensated by making it probably the most exciting christmas eve she's had to date with singing, dancing and videoing us to christmas tunes etc. he did come very early on christmas morning at 6.30, let himself into the house which i excused since its the only time hes done it and it was christmas. but he wakened them way before they would have gotten up and were half asleep when they did and so the initial excitement at seeing their stockings filled outside their bedrooms wasn't there. he sat in the sofa ALL DAY, did not offer to help with meal. offered to clear dining table but didn't and i had to do it all the next day. decided he would stay overnight even although one of the mainy excuses he'd made for not staying christmas eve was because it was not his home! at the meal he tried to undermime how my 6 year old had felt on christmas eve at him not coming which i found i needed to make a comment on, bcause her feelings are important and ive suffered emotional abuse from this man throughout my marriage and will not allow my children to grow up feeling as i did. all in all, there were no 'problems', no arguments but i certainly was not relaxed and neither was he and the children should be able to have the christmas they are entitled to. christmas is about the children after all. so i will not do this again. however, like you i will not be agreeing to alternate christmases bcause it has always been me who has made christmas special and me who has chosen, purchased, assembled and set up their gifts etc. i also believe that children should have santa visit them in their own hom while they still are young and at an age they still believe in santa. im happy to change things when they are much older. all my family live in scotland. i have no family in england where i live so i dont think it fair that i spend christmas day completely on my own or that the children should spend christmas day worrying about their mum being on her own either. im going to suggest that i have them until 3pm on christmas day so they are at home for santa then have time with their new toys etc and go over on christmas day to h at 3 for christmas dinner, presents from him and stay overnight returning to me at 3 pm boxing day when they can have christmas meal with me. that way neither my h or i have to experience christmas day by ourselves and not see our children.

[UnfortunatelyMe]

Awww ELOB, you are being very accommodating to your x, the 3pm thing sounds really good, I am not sure whether dds would want to go to XPs on Xmas day or not but I might run it past them nearer the time.
Are you going to be moving back to be near your family?