Exp arriving drunk for visits!

[maddybix]

As the title says I am separated from my husband. We have informally arranged ourselves and he often doesn't show up for these and when he does, has been arriving whilst under the influence (various states of intoxication).
The dcs don't like it obviously as they know something is not right, and I've had to send him away three times this week upon discovering he had been drinking.
He obviously has a problem, and he knows it, but has not the inclination to get help. I don't know whether to cut off all visits until he has got help or if I'm allowed to do that legally(he is not likely to want to get help, even if it meant not seeing dcs). Or can something formal be arranged with conditions attached.
I don't think he would be physically abusive towards us (though he was a little towards me in the past), but he is irrational and slightly paranoid and can be verbally abusive towards me, which can be upsetting.

sorry - informally arranged visitation ourselves

does he take the kids away with him?
does he drive to yours?

is there a family member of his youcan have a word with? ie he can only have supervised visits at his parents house sort of thing?

I'd get legal advice

Hmm, I would get some advice too.

You may be able to arrange supervised contact in a family centre, I know your dcs will be upset by him not showing up, or showing up verbally abusive/drunk, I know because I was that dc too, but it is important they see him, or that he is given the chance to see them.

If you mention you are concerned about the the safety aspect (drunk, verbal abuse, driving??, previous physical violence), but that you want the opportunity of contact I ams ure something could be arranged.

When they are older they will make their own minds up, and they need the opportunity to know him properly to do this.

He doesn't take the dcs away with him as he is lodging with his brother and a friend so has nowhere for them to stay. He stays at my house and (if all is well) I pop out or go to a different room to give him time alone with the dcs.
He is no longer in touch with his parents (or they with the dcs), and I don't have any contact details for his siblings. I have a phone number for the brother but I've only met him a handful of times and dnon't know him very well (in 8 years!) and don't think he would want to get involved.

No, he doesn't drive. He lost his licence a while ago for driving whilst under the influence .

I think you would have no problem making it a condition of him seeing the DC that he turns up sober. Have you any kind of formal/legal arrangement? If not, it would be a good idea to get some advice from CAB or a free half-hour with a family law specialist, because you really need to start insisting on it as soon as possible (that he is sober when he sees the DC and you will not leave them with him when he is drunk/stoned/whatever).

This is not to say that it's the end of the world for a person to have had a few drinks when looking after DC, but if the person gets abusive when drunk then not drinking while seeing DC should be compulsory.

dont let them see him drunk. can you arrange visits for early in the morning and tell him he must stay sober until the visit is over?

will he listen to you?

tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to turn up sober and that he has to seek help, your children do not deserve a childhood marred by memories of drunk-dad. does he want to be an embarrsment to Dcs when they are teenagers? how about whe he's old before his time and railing at imaginary enemies in the middle of the day, in the high street, waltzing out into traffic stinking of booze and piss? how about when he dies young because he's drunk himself to death?

mu ex is an alcoholic. he's finally seeking help but it's been after a very very long time and it has affected my DCs.

you are not responsible for his behaviour and he will only change if he wants to, but you are responsible for your DCs happiness at the moment and I totally feel for you, because it seems so familiar.