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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

VERY unreliable exh, what can I do?

21 replies

plaidyjill · 19/11/2008 19:32

I'm pregnant (edd early feb) and have a ds. Exh and I split up a few months ago. I have no relatives living nearby and nobody close by to help in an emergency.
Exh of course knows this yet has become extremely unreliable. He left because he "wasn't in love with me anymore" he cancels visits to ds at the last minute and out of the last four activities has cancelled....four. He will also just not turn up.
If I reproach him for his behaviour he will just make sure he is "uncontactable" for a few days just to teach me a lesson. He'll ignore telephone calls, emails and he refuses to give me his address.
He supports us financially still (for the time being) so I have to be careful.
Is there anything I can do in such a situation? I feel so helpless and frustrated (he is ignoring us again at this moment).

OP posts:

Parsleypants · 19/11/2008 19:38

Oh dear. I sympathise. Maybe you need to live your life like you don'tneed him to help. I know it's wrong and know it's unfair. If he is paying maintenance, then just expect that is his level of support iyswim? My sympathies - and I am a lone parent as well - but unfortunately it is often down to us to "make it right" for our children. You can lead a horse to water etc...

ShyBaby · 19/11/2008 19:57

Oh sweet, I have had so much trouble with my ds's dad.

We planned our baby and split on good terms yet he has been such a fuckwit ever since. Every time he has met a new woman ds has been pushed out completely.

I wish I had an answer but I dont. I've sort of given up on him. There's nothing you can do. You cant force him to be a good parent.

Im probably not the best to give advice as my life is like the Jeremy Kyle show right now and my head is twisted.

I dont know the answer, but I sympathise and I know how you're feeling.

ambercat · 19/11/2008 20:04

God poor you, he sounds a fucking idiot.

No advice really, lower your expectations i guess.

Original poster

plaidyjill · 20/11/2008 13:27

Thanks everyone,I suppose I need to accept that I can do nothing?
It's just hard to accept that somebody you have been married to for over a decade can become so callous and uncaring overnight and cast aside their responsibilities.
He is an idiot, yes. He made us miss an important awards presentation for dc and we've only seen him once a fortnight-ish. Like I said earlier, we're being ignored right now because I told him off for most recent unreliable behaviour. It could be a fortnight or more until he pops up again.
I had bh pains last night and because I'm alone was worried, and I've had pregnancy complications too, but it has no effect on him.

OP posts:

44christmaspuddingsinarow · 20/11/2008 13:31

What can you do?

Stop contacting him when he doesn't bother to show up. You are feeding his ego, stop the attention and he will wonder why he is no longer important. but you need to stop the chasing if he cant be bothered to turn up then that is his problem and loss

Do not tell your ds about planned visits from daddy - that way he will not get upset.

Original poster

plaidyjill · 20/11/2008 13:47

I contact him when he doesn't arrive to a visit etc because I feel the need to reproach him for his bad behaviour.I would not let anybody behave that way towards us and let it go unchallenged. I doubt a telling feeds his ego.
I only contact him (as he occasionally does me)about the dc and appointments/baby.
I have missed scans/maternity appointments because he has decided not to turn up and I cannot take dc and have nobody else in the area to help.
I stopped telling dc about his planned visits long ago, but when the important things are missed (like the awards/prize presenting) I cannot conceal it.

OP posts:

44christmaspuddingsinarow · 20/11/2008 13:51

You are playing mother - you reproach him for his bad behaviour, thus he gets attention.

Why waste your time trying to contact an idiot when you could spend that time reading a story book to your ds.

I do sympathis it is hard when one parent really doesn't give too hoots about their dc and acts in this way.

But better to leave him and let him miss out rather than telling him off - what good has that done? has it made him change his ways?

44christmaspuddingsinarow · 20/11/2008 13:51

take car off yourself, you are not in an easy position and I do know where you are at... unfortunately I speak from experiance

Original poster

plaidyjill · 20/11/2008 14:10

No, you're right. It hasn't made a difference, only made me feel better sometimes (temporarily) after venting. Or worse as I usually cannot get through at all via phone as he knows why I am calling and he likes to avoid conflict!

OP posts:

inthemistsoftime · 20/11/2008 14:48

so sorry to hear your ex is behaving like this, but agree with 44cpiar post, if he hates conflict he is going to avoid you as much as he can.

I have an exh who also avoids conflict, therefore he avoids me!!

chin up and good luck with the birth

Shayden · 20/11/2008 20:56

Sounds like our Xs could be twins!.. sept mine wont part with his money.
What are your neighbours like? Could they be of any help to you? Or maybe your midwife could give you some contacts for in case of emergencies?

Original poster

plaidyjill · 20/11/2008 23:13

My immediate neighbours are elderly and couldn't help I'm afraid. My midwife doesn't know I'm a lone parent etc I'm not sure I would want to tell her, silly really.
At the moment if I went into labour early I think I would have to call relatives who live over an hours drive away. It is my only option for now.
Exh was not answering his phone a couple of days ago. He knows how vulnerable we are too which is why I get so cross with him.
I have a feeling he will try to take the financial support away from us soon, as he is becoming quite resentful about it.

OP posts:

ShyBaby · 21/11/2008 22:19

Ok this will sound harsh but you need to stop mentally including him in everything you do regarding ds or your new baby if he is unreliable.

This is what I had to do. Make your plans if you can without him in them. Try and find a way to get around it then if he does turn up its a bonus, if he doesn't you wont miss the occasion.

Ive been a single mum for the last ten years. I dont expect or rely on ds's dad's input with anything. He unfortunately is there for the fun stuff and nothing else and I can't see that ever changing. He sees ds once a week but will not attend parents evening, school plays, special needs reviews, buy school uniform, contribute anything in fact.

Please tell your midwife you are now a lone parent, sod pride, you'll drop that anyway eventually. Take the help and support now when you need it.

Shayden · 21/11/2008 23:12

Midwifes are amazing when they know your a lone parent. Sometimes to the point of being too helpful ;) But there is so much support out there that they know about and can give you access to... if only you tell them your situation.
ShyBabys got it right, try and sort out everything with out him incuded. And really if he does show up he will prolly stuff it all up for you anyways.
How old is your ds?

ninah · 21/11/2008 23:25

agree with others, please tell your midwife etc. No shame in being on your own, honestly!

Original poster

plaidyjill · 22/11/2008 02:44

I know it is silly to pretend, and I will have to tell people eventually. It's just that I couldn't bear to be judged on top of everything else. I still wear my wedding ring when I go out too.

update It is late but I cannot sleep as I appear to have stumbled upon the reason for exh's behaviour. It looks like he may have a girlfriend. He won't for some strange reason admit it, I don't know why he won't as he's been gone for months. He may even be living with her for all I know.
I am absolutely floored; I hate him, but I've been crying all evening about this.
His behaviour makes more sense now

OP posts:

Original poster

plaidyjill · 22/11/2008 04:15

what kind of help would the midwives offer if they were aware? I'm only pencilled in to see mine once more before the birth. The rest of my appointments are with consultant at the hospital.

OP posts:

Shayden · 22/11/2008 10:29

Awww I am so sorry to hear that Maybe he feels guilty and that is why he is not contacting you?... he will most likely use that as an excuse anyways. Once I had found my x left cause he met someone else he used to pick his moments to return my calls, time like when she was there so I could hear her in the background or he would txt me back using her phone saying he had no phone credit. If your x starts with that crap, cut all ties, you heal a whole lot faster.
Even just telling your consultant at the hospital will do jus fine. Id hate to tell you what you would get and turn out to get it wrong, so I will tell you what I got. The visits became all about me and bubs and how I was doing. They stopped reffering to him and how he is coping and helped me plan the birth without him. Its not fun going to birthing classes on your own with all the other couples learning all the deal with the pain methods that your partner can help you with. They gave me a bunch of services and organisations that support sole parents with new babies. And I was givin access to a councilor if I chose to use it and offered extra visits from a midwife at home after the birth to help out a bit. Mostly, they understood and got a little less worried if you got a little teary in the check up visits. Maybe they will even be able to give you some advise too on what you can do if you go into labour early and where you can take your ds? You never know till you ask. It will be hard to spark up the conversation, but dont be surprised if once you get started you begin to ramble, let it out, they are there to listen and would rather you tell them everything so they can offer you the best possible help.
I hope you ended up getting a bit of sleep. Its going to come hard, but you are really going to need it.
when you say your neighbours are old, are they too old to maybe look after your ds for the hour while your family travel up if you need to go to hospital quickly?
Have you tried seeing if anyone on here is in your area? Maybe they could offer their help? If you happen to be in the Leeds area I put my hand up.

mrsmortenharket · 22/11/2008 14:31

oh sweetheart
if you are in wsm, i could help as well, i am lp so know how it feels. ((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

ShyBaby · 22/11/2008 19:18

How are you feeling today?

Sheila · 22/11/2008 21:13

Hi Plaidyjill,

My XP is exactly the same I'm sorry to say.

I just put a very unhappy DS to bed in tears because his dad didn't come today. We don't know where he lives - only contact details I have are a mobile no. (usually switched to voicemeil) and an e-mail address. DS recently had a really horrible accident and XP was nowhere to be found - he is useless as a father.

He has always been like this, even when we lived together, which is why I left him in the end.

Don't have any solutions (I wish!), but I can really empathise with your anger, worry and frustration. The advice here is good though - try to focus on getting by without him.

Take care of yourself - you're the one who matters. Sxxxx

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