Advice needed please - ex being an idiot re the children etc

[GreenEggsAndSpam]

Any advice really gratefully received. I am asking on behalf of my friend who has split up with her husband recently. He has moved out and now lives about 8 miles away. No car. He has agreed he will see the children once a week, but sometimes doesn't. He is currently not aswering his phone to her, ignoring her texts and refusing to answer the phone to her at work. He hasn't seen the children (age 7 and 4) for over two weeks.
So far there has been no legal involvement. My friend wants to try mediation, which would be free for her, but he would have to pay as he works (although is not well paid) so he has refused.
Where can she go from here? Who can she ask for advice? Basically, she wants someone outside of the situation to tell him to get his arse in gear, see the children, pay some money regularly. It is tearing her up having to deal with the split (which he instigated), plus her children's sadness and repeated disappointment

It doesn't work like that. If he wants to be a disappearing father he can, believe me. Mediation only works when both people want to play. CSA can dictate on child maintenance but a quick look at past threads will show that they are not that effective with unwilling payers.

She needs a solicitor pronto. She can't do this without one.

Yes, tell her to get a solicitor ASAP: he is not going to co operate with anything less than legal action.

TBH, her ex is less the malicious and more the useless type. If he doesn't know what to say, he will avoid speaking to her. I think he is feeling bad and now doesn't know how to handle it. However I fear that without a poke up the arse, things will drift and he will slide off the scene.
Is there really no alternative but a solicitor? If she does see one, what she look for? Will she have to pay anything up front? Will he?
Thanks so mch for yor replies

Thanks again. I am going to post in chat as well...

TBH, I think a solicitor will end up being the only option, but is it worth your friend writing a letter to her XH? Perhaps she could say something along the lines of how it no longer matters who has done what and who is at fault for this, that and the other, but what is important is where they go from here. They need to concentrate on their children's wellbeing, which includes regular time for them to see their dad without any arguments from their parents (I'd leave sorting out maintenance until a later date, as it tends to spark heated debates and at the momnent she needs to simply establish a dialogue and get him seeing the kids). Despite the unfairness of it, it is vital that she writes this letter in a concilliatory way, without digs, and concentrates on the children and the way forward.

It may not work, but if her XH is truly useless rather than malicious, it may just do the trick. And if she has a copy of the letter, it will help her if things do need to go to court as it will show she's been more than reasonable and tried all other avenues.

Hope it gets sorted. The first few months after a split are always the hardest and people can behave badly, but things do settle down and get easier.

Greeneggs I think your friend should give it more time as its only been 2 weeks and a few ignored tex messages and phone calls, there could be a good excuse for not being in contact, it might be better for her to leave it for now and let him come to her and then both sit down and have a chat and come to an amicable agreement.

Thank you. I have shown my friend your posts.
Tinkerble6 - I see what you are saying, but one of the reasons they have split is because he buries his head in the sand when things get tricky - and he can't do that with two children to be responsible for. The children haven't seen him for over two weeks and have no idea when they will - that just isn't fair on them, no matter what is going on in his head.
OptimistS - yours is a good approach I think. I do hope things settle down to some sort of normality for them. Hard to see how things will be in the future, but my friend is being amazing .

You can't force a parent to see their dc, it will not help going to a solicitor they can't make a parent see their dc either.

Get your friend to back off, leave the man buried in sand and see if he comes around on his own accord.

They often do when they are left alone - if still nothing after another week of silence from her, suggest she writes a short note and posts it to him at work.

Dear XXX

You are welcome to visit the dc and make arrangements to see them on a regular basis - please don't leave it to long as it will become difficult for the dc.

XXX

The harsh reality is that you can't make someone assume responsibility, even for their children, if they don't want to .

Is there no one who could act as intermediary and approach him, gently, to say "Come on, do right by your children."?

The next stage is a letter setting out what your friend needs from her ex-: an agreement over contact and finances. Why not suggest mediation again - it will work out a lot cheaper than a solicitor and a court agreement.

If the ex- doesn't respond, then, there is no alternative to the legal route.

Keep going - it is still very early days and could all still get sorted. Having good friends does make the difference .

Ivy and Dontgive - thanks again. What you say is so true and yet so sad.
Stupid idiot is still awol. Nearly three weeks now. He is at work, just refusing to speak. There is only so much my friend can do.
Why can some men be such tw*ts?