Ex-h has moved in his gf after 6 weeks. Should I meet her before ds spends first weekend with them this w/end?

[Mummycrocodile]

That's it in a nutshell really. I am a regular, just found this in my nickname history and thought I'd use it instead, worried that someone in RL (i.e. my ex!) might identify me. We separated April 06 - have had ups and downs but have been mainaly amicable for past year or so. He met this woman in a bar earlier this year, they moved in after 6 weeks. Ds (7) has his daddy weekend this weekend for the first time since se moved in last Monday. I know nothing about her apart from name, age and fact she has no children. Should I ask to meet her beforehand - wwyd?? Ds met her a month ago at a party and liked her. She was not living with him then. Am taking ds to footie if I don't respond for an hour or so! Any thoughts appreciated.

Apart from the fact that you are separated, do you generally trust your XP's judgement? Ie is he likely to have hooked up with a junkie or a nutter? Or are the odds good that she's an OK sort of person?
Given that DS has met her and liked her, I would not worry about it too much: if your DS was younger I would think that asking to meet her first would be OK but it could come across as a bit paranoid.

Is there any chance that you can drop your son off at their house and go in and meet her, i'm sure if its amicable between you and your ex then it won't be a problem, I don't blame you for being apprehensive and I would probably want to know a bit albout her first.

Personally I'd meet her. Maybe I am "discriminating" against her, but the thing that stands out for me is that she has no children of her own. I would be nice to them both etc, but just say that you wanted to say hello etc.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. sgb - I don't think he would hook up with a complete fruitcake, no... but I fear he is being led by his dick - he told me that "L likes ds which is good, but if she hadn't, it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker"

As a "step parent" myself I think its reasonable for you ask to meet her.
I was willing to meet DP's ex early onto reassure her I wasn't a nutter.
I think a sensitive reasonable person would be willing to set a parents mind at rest.
In your case MummyC I would be even more concerned given your ex has known this woman a very short period of time.

I would want to meet her personally although am sure she is fine, your imagination is likely to go mad if you don't see her! Plus if she is going to be a regular person in ds life you do need to check her out IMO!

Argh, the consensus seems to be that I should meet her! She is five years younger than me (ten years younger than him!) and, oh, ARGH!

I'm a step-mum too and would have had no problem meeting dsd's mum so she could get to know me. I found it very strange that she didn't want to and didn't want to know anything about. I know I would have done had I been in her shoes.

I really don't think the fact that she doesn't have children should be a concern at this stage. Why would it?

could you meet her to give her your support in being a part of your ds life? Meeting her on a positive note and in a way that gives her the idea that you are all for her spending quality time with your ds?

If you don't feel up to meeting her send her a note, in a friendly way giving your support etc?

I dated a chap last year who had a ds and had main residency. I was looking after his ds for a week in the summer hols as I am a teacher and was off work, he is a contractor so had to work when it was offered. I absolutely insisted on meeting his ex-p before looking after his son. She wanted to meet me as well, he was the one saying no! So we did meet and it was much better all round. I just think ex-h is going to use this as an excuse to be a shit, he has been nasty since her arrival, which is usual form for him, he was dating someone last year and behaved like a total twit.

Thats a good idea Ivy. Was going to get her some flowers on behalf of ds as he is all excited. I'm worried it'll crush me to meet her, as I have taken it unexpectedly hard I must confess.

oh muumy crocidile, please dont let it crush you

He is a twitytwat and thats why your no longer with him keep thinking that way....

ps my dd's step mum is vile - I liked the one before she was nice (he ran off with her) so take heart and hope for a nice one.

Yes, meeting her at drop-off might be a good idea as it is low-key (less so than making a formal date to meet). She may well be a bit nervous too. Sorry your XP is being a knob, try not to let it get to you.

Thanks everyone and I'm sorry your dd's step mum is a horror, Ivy, must be horrible. I am just going to recite "twitytwat" in my head as a mantra when dealing with him now!

' it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker' ?
Well firstly, how can she decide if she 'likes' him or not based on one meeting, and secondly, if I met a man and he did not 'like' my kids it would most certainly be a dealbreaker!!! Especially as she lives there and he cannot tell her to disappear for a weekend for his contact visits.

I've met, and get on with, my DSD and DSS's mum. It makes it easier all around if you can get on with (and even like)the ex/new partners.

But I hope you'll be willing to extend the same courtesy to your ExH to vet your new partners !

I think the question should be if you had a new bf and planned to move in together, would you be happy for your ex to insist on meeting him before your child was allowed in the house?

I wouldn't be too worried personally, especially if they have already met. Your ex loves your child too, he wouldn't want any harm to come to him I'm sure.

If you want to 'break the ice', think it would be good for your ds to see that you and the new gf are 'friends' and think you can cope with it then perhaps suggest meeting. But I would do it away from DS if you have anything you want to discuss, or maybe when you pick him up rather than to have the whole time he's away to stew over it and to remove any doubts about trust etc. She's probably just as worried about what to do as you are.

I have been dating someone since January and of course would agree to ex-h meeting him, but he has never asked to. It would not be a problem and I have made that clear to ex-h. The dealbreaker comment really concerned me tbh. So he would be happy to have a live-in gf he knew didn't like ds? Doesn't sound like great parenting to me... if my bf didn't like or wasn't good with ds (we don't live together) it would be a non-starter! Ds is so lovely and trusting, he would like Dr Crippen if he gave him chocolate, which she did apparently!!

MC as a said a sensitive reasonable person would want to set your mind at rest.
As well as being a "step parent" I'm a mum too. Personally I would be really nervous of living our DD in the care of someone who has known a close relative of mine only 6 weeks. The fact that you are asking the question here demonstrates your not controlling but just sensibly concerned.