xp has made threats about 'custody'

[estuaryfairy]

We split in Feb and have a private arrangement where he sees DD an afternoon in the week and Sundays. Whenever he asks to see her outside of the agreed times, I accommodate when possible (most of the time). I am about to start a job (I have been freelancing and working from home since she was born but commissions have seriously dried up thanks to the recession) and have arranged for DD to go to a childminder. One shift I will be working is until 10pm and childminder has agreed to have her. But xp thinks he should have her, which would be fine, except he is unreliable (has turned up late, and not at all before, says he will look after DD, then says he can't at the last minute etc). I know that he would make my life hell saying he could/couldn't have DD if I was relying on him to have her when I worked the late shift, and I told him this was the reason she was going to the childminder. He, of course, thinks he is the model nrp, and didn't see my point. Anyway, he's pissed off about it, but even more pissed off that, with tax credits and my income, I will be earning 'as much as him' (nice man, doesn't think about it being better for DD if I've got more money coming in). Anyway, seeing as he's on 23K and I'll be earning 5K, he doesn't have a mortgage and I do, were not exactly going to be in the same league , but he is now saying he's going to cut his hours and go on benefits next year because he 'won't be much worse off'. The implication also being that he'll be cutting the maintenance he gives me for DD. He is also saying that by that time he'll have 'applied for and received 50% custody'. This is all in one (text) conversation tonight and it's pretty obvious he's been drinking (well, it's guaranteed actually, seeing as he gets pissed every night). I told him to call me tomorrow when he's sober to tell me all about what his solicitor said. I don't believe for a minute he's seen a solicitor, I can't see him putting his hand in his pocket to pay a solicitor and take me to court (because that's what it would come to if he tried it). Do solicitors use terms like 'custody'?
And, on the other matter, can he just claim benefits because he has requested to go part time for no good reason? I can just see him saying to the benefits officer, 'Well, my xp only works x hours and gets x benefits, so I thought I'd do the same as I do hate to think she's getting more from the state than I am.' Oh, and he's also annoyed that I'm doing an OU degree in order to retrain as a teacher so that when DD reaches school age, I'll be working school hours. He denies this and says he'll support me. So far, his 'support' has been to refuse to look after DD for two hours in the evening once a month to enable me to attend tutorials. So, like I said, nice guy.

I would say he's talking bollocks and trying to wind you up

(sorry, not much help).

I would be surprised if a solicitor use the term custody as this has now been replaced by residency.

A court would very rarely change anarrangement that has been agreed without very good reason and I cannot see any good reason listed here.

I have no idea if he could claim benefits but I do know that only one parent can claim tax credit for a child even with a 50/50 residency. As you are already claiming it (and, I guess, child benefit) they would not change this to favour him. Even a court order cannot force child benefit to be changed.

The CSA calculate his paments based on his income so if he drops wages your payments could drop however if he cannot give good reason for the change and CSA think he is doing it to avoid paying you they will not drop his payments. Also Tax Credit is calculated on your income, so if his payments go down your tax credit should go up!

I would advise that, if you think he is serious, you document every time he is late or changes plans last minute. Whenver he sends threatening or abusive messages or causes rows with ou. Be factual not emotional and don't tell him you ar doing it as he may feel you are being threatening which could make thing worse.

You really sound as though you've got your life together and are coping really well with things estuaryfairy. It's probably the fact that your coping so well without him thats pissing your xp off. In fact, I'm sniggering thinking about it whilst typing this. He probably thought you'd go to pieces.

Don't tell him so much about your personal and financial details, other than the facts that he needs to know. He wont get custody of course.

Have the CM look after your dd when it's absolutely necessary, ie, for you to work, and your xp can have her at other times. In fact, I get the feeling he's only offering to have her instead of her going to the CM so that he can deliberately scupper your plans? Did that thought ever occur to you.

If he really does plan to stop working or work less hours and go on benefits then that's up to him and there's nothing you can do about it except deal with it at the time. It never ever ceases to amaze me how some men would rather not have a job, than to pay for their own child.

My sister cleans toilets and gets topped up with tax credits and raises her dd, but her xp stopped worked the minute an attachment to earnings was issued Where's the logic.

Honestly, you sound like you're doing great. You'll get through this and then you'll be even stronger when you have to go through the next stage. If you think he's being awkward now, wait till you get yourself a new boyfriend. He'll love that .

nametaken, he did think I'd go to pieces. When we split he told me that I'd never cope and I'd be begging him for help. I think it does annoy him that I'm coping. I know he's only saying he wants DD on the nights I work so he can mess me around, which is why I've arranged the CM. I'm working/studying to support DD, I don't need the added hassle of him playing stupid games.

My best friend thinks I should phone his mother and let her know what he's been saying to shame him. Trouble is, she thinks the sun shines out of his arse, even though she knows he has a drink problem, and she hasn't really spoken to me since we split. I told her she was welcome to come and see DD whenever she wanted, but she has chosen to only see her when xp has her. Fair enough, the woman's nothing to me, but I would like to put her straight about a few things, am sure xp has lied and lied to her. Was thinking of calling her and asking her to meet for coffee. I would like her to know a bit about how xp stood by and took the piss when it looked like I might go bankrupt and lose the roof over DD's head, am sure she doesn't know anything about how difficult it's been financially. And would like her to know what he's threatening now. I don't want or need her on my side, and I don't expect her to go against her son, but I do think she should know. I'm not planning a showdown with the woman, just a quick coffee and and politely filling her in. Good idea or should I just leave it?

leave it

think about this:

your dd is lets say...23 years old and had a drink problem, messed around her long term partner until there is an unamicable split.

the partner then invited you for coffee to bad mouth your daughter.

how would you feel.

?

becuase if it were me - i would think this person must be
a) really short sighted and stipud to think that the mother of said (grown up ) child is ever going to be anything but on her child's 'side'
b) bitter/wanting revenge

i would also sever ties except for contact.

i would buy a cheap phone £7.99 tell ex thats the new number, also tell him that you will not reply to any of his rantings musings, other than to arrange contact.

tell him you are not interested in his threats for residency, and will not entertain any such ideas unless there is a formal letter from solicitor.

You have no interest in his financial situation, tell him whether he works or not will not make a difference, becuase either he will pay you something or the govt will make sure your benefits are topped up to a certain standard. plus you will contact the csa.

and no -one can stayunemployed and claim benefits long term anymore. he would have to go without claiming.

and if he really thinks that on 23k he will be better off on benefits - then honey let him dig himself into that shithole. and let that be your revenge

£45.50 a week for single people aged 18-24 (including some 16-17 year olds)
£57.45 a week for single people aged 25 or over.

jsa

let him have it! he is clearly a nob head.

oh and if he just leaves it can be anything up to 9 weeks before he is allowed to claim anything

let him have no money

nob head

Do not phone his mother - it is none of your business what he tells her etc etc.

Keep concentrating on your own life and think the time it takes you to have a wasted coffee is time you can spend with your dc at the park

Second custardo on the second cheap mobile phone and stop any calls other than contact calls, do not reply to stuid text and get into silly conversations by text.

Ask him to have dd on another night, overnight when it doesn't matter whether he turns up or not. Then sit back and watch what happens.

if he does turn up you get a free night to do what you want, if not no great shakes - but it will silently prove a point with no words spoken

dont worry about court, he will not get of his arse and do anything unless you do all the paper work for him - and your not going to do that are you?!

Thanks, I didn't really want to speak to his mother. My friend thinks that if she knows about the latest depths to which he has stooped, she might have a word with him, but she'll probably just find a way to justify it. Custardo, I wasn't going to bad mouth him, just explain my situation and show her the texts, let her draw her own conclusions.

He doesn't have DD overnight (she's 17 months old, he regularly drinks until he passes out, the two don't mix). The CM will have her until I pick her up after work. He would do the same if he had her, not overnight, but when I did ask him to have her during the evening so I could go to a tutorial, he refused. I know that if I relied on him I would end up not being able to go into work.

Have tried to get to the point of just speaking to arrange access/stuff to do with DD, but then he whinges on about how I'm being 'distant and cold'. Of course I bloody am, if it wasn't for DD, I would never speak to him or see him again!

He his spitting his dummy out, i would bet money on him not ever contacting a solicitor, was he very controlling in your relationship? he is losing control of you and is trying every trick in the book to manipulate you and gain back some control.

I agree, do not speak to his mother, carry on with what you are doing an ignore his empty threats, he sounds like a real mature, secure individual, not.

No, he wasn't controlling at all, he was very laid back and had no issues with me earning more than him (before I was made redundant and had DD). He was always a drinker, but never a nasty drunk, just a sloppy, embarrassing one. It's from when we split that he started showing his nasty side.
Why is it that men want us to fall to pieces without them when a) we are responsible for looking after their children and b) they wouldn't be prepared to pick up the pieces if we did?

Could you have an arrangement with the childminder where he is welcome to call to check they're in and then collect her from there? Then the childminder (important if he's not reliable and might forget and let you go to collect her from CM) will send you a text to say ou DD has been picked up and you know to collect her from him.

That way you're not relying on him to be on time or anything, but you aren't 'stopping' him (in his view) from spending time with DD.

The days she'll be going to the CM aren't his access days, so he won't be missing out on seeing her. I've told him that I need reliable childcare and he isn't it, so she'll be going to the CM. I'm not against him picking her up from the CM and looking after her, but I can't afford for him to be my only childcare option because he will let me down.
I have spoken to him about his '50% custody' threat. He was under the impression that he would automatically get 3.5 days shared residency if he went part time . When I pointed out he'd have to hire and pay a solicitor, take me to court and was very unlikely to get it because DD is settled and happy as she is, he wasn't so adamant about it, stupid twat.

Can I just say that I personally did have a word with ex's mother, who was more reasonable then expected. She is now on our 'side' as in me and dc, and she thinks her own son is a dick, so if she is a reasonable woman, why not/

it is totally up to you what childcare arrangements you make in YOUR time! How bloody dare he try and tell you how you care for her!
As for shared custody, he wont get it

Agree with custardo!

Dont tell him so much and make sure you keep contact with him to the bare minimum. Do not phone his mother, tempting but not a good idea. Absolutely write down every time he is late, fails to turn up or lets your dd down. If it ever comes to court it will make a difference.

You sound as though things are sorted and what you do and who looks after your dc in your time are your business.