Mediation

[anastaisia]

Hi

I'm looking for a little bit of advice from people who have used a mediation service sucessfully.

Ex has agreed to try mediation. When we try and discuss things alone he becomes aggressive and nasty and jumps from topic to topic so we never focus on one thing long enough to resolve anything, he wants to talk about things that don't relate to DD at all - like if I have a boyfriend or why I wont try again. I'm not perfect - I clam up a lot and wont talk, and there are a couple of things I will not compromise on. The big difference I feel is that I'm learning from the things I handled badly in the past while he's trying to repeat the same conversations again and again.

So I think it would be really helpful to have a neutral third party to help direct the discussion. What I'd like advice on is how to pick the right mediator. I've noticed that some come from a legal background and some from counselling. Has anyone had good/bad experiences of either? Is there much difference? The only thing we have to discuss is DD - no finances or anything like that so legal knowledge might be less important?

A big thing for me is that I/we've made some slightly unconventional choices. I think the biggest is that DD is going to be home educated, which was my idea but ex is ok with. I'm thinking that it will be important to find out what the reaction to this would be - but if I ask outright I'm sure they'll say its fine. What sort of questions should I be asking when I first speak to someone to find out how open they are to things like that?

And anything else anyone wanted to share about their experience of mediation would be great, anything that might be helpful at all.

Thanks

Bumping for you.

Hi Ana,
Have used mediation - not sucessfully I'm afraid so not sure how helpful my post will be to you. My xp sounds a bit like yours in the jumping from topic to topic - very hard to keep focused, same conversations again and again and quite abusive.

But your ex will look quite stupid being aggressive and nasty in front of a third party so hopefully he won't be and hopefully it will give you a bit of courage to speak out.

We had an individual session each to begin with - unfortunatley not with the same mediator which I don't think helped. Then we had some sessions together. My experience was that the mediator did not care and just wanted to tick her boxes - maybe that is how there are supposed to be. My xp refused to disucuss money - the main reason why I wanted mediation and she went along with that. I found that totally unreasonable. Mediation broke down in the end, but my xp is a nightmare, my mother calls him 'unmediatable'.

Sorry not to be positive - I'm sure there are success stories out there.
Good luck.

Thanks Harra. I don't mind hearing negative things - anything that will give me an idea of what to expect and how best to prepare.

I think we probably want to get the same things sorted out - a better plan for access with a time scale for building it up to overnights, maybe some kind of parenting plan and definately an outline of how we want to handle the home ed side of things.

I'm happy to steer clear of money talk because I know he hasn't got any so I don't feel like he's living it up while we have nothing - I'm in a far better position than he is because he has to pay much higher living expenses (I get cheap rent and share bills with my mum!)and right now he isn't earning anything at all.

I'll make sure if there are any sessions to be spilt up for they'll be with the same person. I guess I'll just have to make a lot of phone calls to find someone who seems to 'fit'.