What housing arrangements does your ex have?

[robd]

Do they rent a house out? Do they share a house with other people?

I have been doing lots of sums regarding the finances of separation. Absolutely frightening. Obviously it would be cheaper to live in a shared house but wouldn't this make having my LB over tricky - although not impossible.
On the other hand, I could rent a small 1 or 2 bedroom house out.

Does your ex share a house? Do they have a 1 bedroom house and share the bedroom? Or are they in a poky bedsit?

It is cr*p - by trying to develop a place of my own to have my son come over too, there is less money available to support him in both houses. Or I could sacrifice this and enable him to have a decent upbringing with his mum.

Experiences welcome.

TBH if my ex was living in a shared house I would be edgy as to who else was living in the house and where they ok to be around dc?

If though you were renting a room in a family home that would strike me as different and if that was possible would be a nice enviroment for your son to visit and stay over.

Idealy though if you could rent a one bedroom and use a sofa bed in the lounge that would be the best to have one to one time with your son in a normal home enviroment with his dad.

Look on ebay for a proper sofa bed or even a loft bed to go over your bed in the master bedroom - or both so your son can have sleepovers with mates coming to stay as he gets older.

My X lives rent free with his girlfriend! You wouldnt think so though because he is very very poor!

Initially xp rented a room from a landlady and stayed at my house while he had the kids(I went elsewhere).
This was fine, till he really irritated me one day and I went beserk at him and after that I said he wasnt coming back in the house.
No contact between us = No Hassle.
So he rented a one bedroom flat about 18 doors away. He sleeps on the sofa and they sleep in his bed.
He says he cant afford it, but he smokes 40 fags a day, maybe thats where his money is going.

exH moved out in March this year and has been living in shared accomodation since then. He's about to move for the 4th (or is it 5th?) time this year though. The first place was a case of I said he had to go NOW, he agreed and took the first place he could find. It was a bloody awful place so he moved again, various reason 2 more places didn't work out and he moved into a shared house with some friends in August - unfortunately they've now started complaining about the DS's "noise" so he's on the move again.

I have trusted his judgement about the people he's been sharing with when he has the DS's over - but it's only been this last place where he was able to have them for 2 nights every other weekend rather than just the one.

He simply can't afford to rent a place on his own atm.

rob I think you should rent a one bedroom flat/house for a nice environment when your son stays over, maybe in the future when house prices drop you could afford to buy, your son can have a decent upbringing no matter what, as long as children are cuddled, clothed, fed and warm they will be fine.

My xh moved back in with his parents and is still there 6 years later!

i would go for your own house/flat & make sure you can have a pull out bed/sofa bed for when ds stays over.

of course ideally a place on your own is the best option, however it does work out quite a lot more expensive. exH currently pays £70 a week, inclusive of utilities for his room, that's £240 a month, there's no way he would even get a bedsit for that price (and it wouldn't really work having 3 DS's in a bedsit for an entire weekend imo), and then he would have to add on his bills on top of that

Mine initially rented a one bed flat (but used to complain that it was too small for 2 DCs) but now lives in a 5 bed house with new P.

Moral of that story - meet a rich woman!!

ok scrap my last post - exH has just this minute rung me to ask me a massive favour - which will mean that he will have a 4 bedroom house for a FANTASTIC price (landlord has been trying to let out individual rooms but hasn't like the people that have come forward to look at it - he just wants it let out so has done exH a great deal on the whole house!!!!!

A place of my own would be great. Somehow it wouldn't seem right having to share a house with my son and other people. And yes - children just need love and attention.
Here's to a careful future.

we are lucky in that we had significant assets, and ex has a well paid job.
He is renting a house about 5 miles away, our 2 boys both have a bedroom there.
I presume he will buy at some point, but we only split in April and haven't sorted out finances yet. And his house in convienient for work and us.

From your thread yesterday your ex's housing would be significantly more than a shared room.

I think that while your child should be adequately housed it is unfair for your ex and son to be in housing excessive for their needs if it means you are living in a bed-sit. So if between you, you can afford a 2-bed for your ex and a 2 bed for you, to me that is more fair than a 3 bed for ex and a 1 bed/bed-sit/shared room for you.

Xp pays £625 a month for his place. Good luck robd.

Ah - but that involves her compromising. You can get decent 2 bed houses to rent for between £500 - £600 up here. Or of course you could try and maintain a full house in a nice area and expect the other half to live in a grotty bedsit.

Unfortunately compromising is something she finds difficult - she is away at the moment. We have found out about mediation - isn't that expensive.

yes, it does involve her comprimising - and if she could afford the bigger house on her salary plus a decent contribution from yourself, which leaves you with a reasonable amount to live on - then fair enough.
But presumably she can't? And your £500 offer is DOUBLE what the CSA would say.

TBH it is horrible to be in this situation, and I personally wanted stability for our children - which meant not moving. We were lucky in that this was affordable. But your ex is planning to move anyway isn't she? So that doesn't apply.

Living in a 2-bed house would give him a decent upbringing (back to your original post), he would have his own room.
Then if you rented a 2-bed place he would have a room at your house.

I haven't been in the situation, but it must be awful being in a bed-sit/shared house and being unable to have your child(ren) to stay with you.

Equally you shouldn't neglect your duty to your child.

It is hard.

When my ex moved out he first lived with his sister and then got a bedsit.

The kids didn't visit him there because it was a shithole.

He then very luckily (for him) got a one bed flat on the same estate as me and so the kids now see him regularly. Both dds sleep in his bed, ds sleeps on a blow up bed on the floor and xp sleeps on the sofa.

He did his flat out from top to bottom within weeks of moving in which astounded me, as when we lived together he wouldn't do anything to the house at all.

robd I realise that it's all still very raw and new for you, however, there is a certain element of "waking up and smelling the coffee" that you need to do.

The financial aspects of your situation will cripple you and mean that you will be relegated to a 2nd class parent if you don't have the solid foundations of suitable accommodation for your son to stay o/n's at your gaff. How can you be taken seriously as a fully-fledged parent if you are living in a shared house?

I can't remember all the details of your original post, if there is property involved, but if you and the ex weren't married and the relationship hasn't been a hugely long time then why the hell are you settling for less than a 50:50 split of any equity???

It is unrealistic once a couple separate for the two parents and any children involved to have a lifestyle like one prior to the relationship breaking up. Both parents need to live within their means and for a wholesome environment for the child(ren) to group up in.

Why are you proposing £500 per month for child maintenance? The CSA guidelines are there and you should be proposing that - the rest of the money can be put towards something much more relevant to reinforcing and promoting your child's relationship and bond with their parent - and that is a home. Other posters have said that you should be able to rent a 1 bedroom flat and use a sofa-bed when your son has overnight staying contact at yours.

As a teacher you of all people should be aware of the benefit to children of an actively involved father in their lives - these include higher educational outcomes, lower rates of delinquency, crime etc (all confirmed by DfES, DCFS predecessor).

Isn't it worthwhile doing as much as you can to promote your child's secure relationship with his dad?

I can relate to all of this because when me and my ex separated I was in shared accommodation.

It wasn't great and I didn't enjoy it one bit - and the biggest point is that neither did my daughter.

The ex remained in the former matrimonial home (we eventually sold it and shared the equity 60:40 - which was used to pay off debts ... and financed the eventual family court solicitor leeches), my ex was pushing and pushing for daughter to stay o/n with me.... she couldn't, even though my daughter wanted to and was pleading that she could sleep on the sofa.... that was grim, really really emotionally tough. I did take my daughter to my parents regularly every month for a long weekend, but that was because I DIDN'T HAVE ACCOMMODATION OF MY OWN.

You have the chance to prevent this now and I highly recommend that you take the advice on this forum and especially that gillybean has offered...

IME mothers are very reluctant to allow their dc to have overnight visits with exp's if the ex is living in a shared house.

IME its virtually impossible to have children stay over in a shared house.
RobD this is why it is vitally important that you do not overpay your ex. You need to afford accommodation where your child can stay with you.
A child post separation needs both parents in their lives.
Ever heard a child cry and beg to stay with parent when they cant because of the parents living accommodation? I have and its bloody heartbreaking.
IME for the sake of your child you need to budget for adequate living arrangements for both of you.

My ex lives in a two bedroom house, on his own but won;t take DS overnight (when would he get a rest if he did ) He complains bitterly about the cost of it, but this may be due to the fact that while we were together he lived in my flat with me and getting money out of him was not easy and he had no idea about the bills I paid so it must be a shock for him.

He pays me £300 a month, which is approximately half of the nursery fees I pay. HE won;t pay anything on top of this, even when I get charged extra by the nursery when Ex doesn;t turn up etc.

£500 certainly sounds like a lot, especially if you are going to end up not being able to afford some where decent to live.

My h is very lucky - is renting a two bedroomed cottage on the edge of the lake district with 2 acres of land for an absolute pittance. Only problem is it's about 20 mins drive from us so he is thinking of moving closer and is currently looking into a one bedroom flat about 5 mins drive away.

At the mo our dd sleeps in the second bedroom (or occasionaly in with her dad) and ds sleeps on sofa.

He pays me a little less than the recommended CSA but that's because I wanted him not to have to live in a hovel and, most importantly, the dc's not to have to visit/stay in one.

My exH is fine, he moved in with his OW, as she is very young and just out of Uni she is still living at home with Mummy. (Wonder what her mum thought as exH is closer in age to her mum . So I am guessing she will not pay that much to her Mum and if he has to pay half of that well, he is getting a good deal as far as I can see.

He cut the maintenance as he had apparently done his sums and couldn't afford to pay more. I suppose he has to keep his teenage style wardrobe up to date so he can continue to look like a twat .

Robd, I can't add more to what have already being said. THe only thing probably will be that at this time, everything looks grim perhaps for both of you, but you will find a way.

When exH and I separated I was only working 15 hrs in a very badly paid job (around £300 a month). We barely managed on exH salary despite him being working at an executive level. However... things have turned out ok so far, if you focus on what you want things come by.

It certainly was very surprising that his salary, we barely managed on while married, was enough to cover the expenses of an extra house once we were separated. Some adjustments have to be made no doubt, but I can't tell you there are a lot of things that you spend the money on today, that you won't miss in the future.

I have a better paid job now, exh is coping fine and has a lovely flat (he told me yesterday he doesn't need more at the moment, he is happy with what he has). And little by little we are putting ourselves back into shape.

So take it easy, focus on what you want, and with time you will get there

You can get housing benefit even if you are working BTW, if you are on a low income and rents in the area you need to live (cos it's close to work/your DC) are high. Look into it.
ALso, better a studio flat than a shared house, it won't cost much more but you can put kids up on airbeds etc in a studio flat with no problems.

i think that so long as your son feels loved, cared for, needed and wanted he will love being with you wherever you are. even if your accomodation isn't to the standard he is used to, so long as you keep it clean warm and respectable and make it feel like a home that is what is important.