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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DS2 announced that he hates my house & only likes sleeping at daddy's.

24 replies

Pinkchampagne · 14/11/2008 16:21

He has stayed there for the last 2 nights & was dropped off this morning before school, when he came out with this comment.
It upset me a little. I guess it is maybe because they stay here more & see daddy's house as a treat, but I thought maybe I moan too much...maybe I am just not as much fun as daddy! I shouldn't let it get to me should I? (he is 5 btw)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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CarGirl · 14/11/2008 16:23

No don't let it get to you just listen a la listen so kids will talk style, if you need to comment something along the lines of "It's more fun at Daddy's isn't it" or something.

How's things with your parents?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 14/11/2008 16:29

They are in Australia atm!

OP posts:

Marne · 14/11/2008 16:29

I think this is normal, i know my step children have said it to their mother, once she told one of them 'off you go then', he only lasted 2 days at our house until he wanted his mum back.

Maybe dady spoils him when he see's him, what your ds doesn't understand is that if he saw him everyday it would be different (he wouldn't get as much atention etc..).

Don't let it get to you.

Blu · 14/11/2008 16:32

No, you definitely should not let it get to you - what a tinkerpot! Of course he doesn't hate it at your house, he is simply excercising that 5 yo skill of winding you up, divide and rule, reacting to a small transition with all the melodrama of an award winning actor, and then winding you up a bit more for good measure!

Is there any possibility that exH is adding to this potent mix with any comments to them about how much 'better' it is at his house?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 14/11/2008 17:05

Yes you're right, I shouldn't let it get to me. Daddy's house is more of a novalty than mine & they see staying there as something of a treat. Not sure that ex H is doing anything to make them think his house is better, but I guess they get taken out for tea more often & frequently get bought little gifts at the weekend...far more than they ever get from me!

OP posts:

tribpot · 14/11/2008 17:19

PC your parents went all the way to Oz without ex-H? Aren't they getting separation anxiety?!

Don't let it get to you - even leaving aside the possibility ex H is bigging up his house, I think lots of dads are more inclined to tread the easy path of treats, telly and generally running riot - mainly because it's not them who have to instill the discipline if they're out all day! (I say that given I'm the one who's out all day and DH is the one treading the path of treats and telly ... )

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 14/11/2008 17:32

He is feeding the cats for them while they're away, tribpot!

OP posts:

tribpot · 14/11/2008 17:33

Ahhhh yes of course. Makes perfect sense.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 14/11/2008 17:40

Dont take it 2 heart children often say things they dont actually mean its more often the case of saying whats in their head at the time!
My dc often come out with nuggets like this but it doesnt get 2 me anymore its a novelty 4 your ds trust me!!!

BernieBear · 14/11/2008 17:50

Am also in the same boat with my ds. Daddy's is far more exciting and yes, his father revels in it. Presents at weekends, treats for the other nights. I am broke, knackered all the time as working hard. I just try to let it wash over me now, well most of the time - I have odd occasions where it still gets me down. Not easy is it and it can hurt when comments like this happen. x

Anna8888 · 14/11/2008 17:52

My DSSs also think it is more fun here (with their father) that at their mother's house. I think this might have something to do with (a) more changes going on here all the time, so more inspiring (b) their father pays them much more attention than their mother does (c) their little sister lives here

tigerlili · 15/11/2008 10:56

in same what seems LARGE boat. my ds sees daddy time as fun and exciting too!

However i figure the novelty will wear off. I am the stable base, where she usually sleeps and eats/ laughs/crys and tantrums!Loverly age 10!

It winds me up all the pressies and treats. i just see a sad Btard overcompensating! Sorry if that sounds harsh but my x has earnt the Btard title.

((((((((((((pinkchampagne))))))))))))))

guyFAwkesreQuiem · 15/11/2008 11:04

Very normal I think - DS1 (7) came out with similar a few months ago, and still brings it up occasionally when I've told him off for something . DS2 (almost 5) sometimes says the same thing.

As DS1 was going on about it so much I spoke to exH about it and he told DS1 that once he finishes Junior school (that's another 4yrs as he's only just gone into YR3) we'll discuss the situation of where he lives.............and I thought I was mean by telling him he had to wait until he was 10

Both DS's admit that daddy's is "more fun" - of course it is - he takes them out more places (as he has a car and I don't - including to a family friend of ours who spoils them rotten - always has done.......they spoiled my brother and I rotten when we were little lol), they get to play more PS2 and get to stay up later at night.

I've just learned to ignore the comments now - and DS1 has finally understood that as daddy is still living in shared accomodation (from which he's having to move - 4th or is it 5th? move since he moved out of here in March this year due to issues with his house share mates over the DS's "noise") living with daddy permanently isn't an option anyhow. Especially as daddy's new job often involves overnight trips away at short notice.

Blu · 15/11/2008 13:13

So, Anna, you're saying that PC's DS is saying that because, like your SDS, he really does have a better time at his dad's, and his dad is nicer to him and pays him more attention than PC does to her DS?

What exactly is your point in relation to PC's post?

Anna8888 · 16/11/2008 17:41

To give her some pointers as to why her children might think that. If you know why your children have a preference for the other home, you can use the information to make your own home life more enjoyable for them.

FWIW (more information) we are far, far stricter with the DSSs than their mother is.

VintageGardenia · 16/11/2008 17:47

Saying that is to assume that OP's ds actually does have a better time there, or that she is falling short in some way, which seems a little heartless. I think there are lots of reasons a child might say that - grass is greener, novelty value, as a tease, for effect, to goad, or even simply to open a conversation about the fact that he (the little boy) has two homes, or that his parents live apart. I mean, it may be simply a sign that he wants to talk about it - I wouldn't assume he genuinely does prefer it chez Dad.

PeaMcLean · 16/11/2008 17:50

Pinkchampagne, if it's any comfort my DS (aged 7) is currently sleeping on his cot mattress on the floor instead of his normal much fancier bed, just becuase he "prefers" it.

Novelty, that's all it is.

I can well understand why you felt hurt at the time though.

tribpot · 16/11/2008 22:28

Anna, I think it is fair to say you know nothing about PC or her ex, and your comments demonstrate that. Please do pop back when you've read a thread or three!

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 17/11/2008 22:04

Staying with daddy probably does seem more appealling. He has a car (I don't) & takes them out to buy toys at least once a week. He takes them round his friend's house & lets them run wild with their children while he drinks with his friend, they get taken out to burger places often etc. I am just moany, harrassed mummy!

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 18/11/2008 09:47

but who's the one who's there to pick them up when they fall down? who's the one who's there to read to them every night.

you might be harrassed moany mummy but I think your DC's will one day realise that you know what daddy isn't really all that great after all. he bribes them to like him in effect, and he feels guilty about something or other otherwise why would he feel the need to let them run riot.

(at least that's what i'm hoping with ds how it will work out. )

Snaf · 18/11/2008 12:20

Ds (5) has said now and again that he wishes he could stay at daddy's for 'infinity sleeps'.

I admit it did upset me a bit the first time he said it. I do feel that he sees daddy's house as a treat and being with me as a bit more mundane, etc. I am the one who does all the boring weekday stuff, nags him to tidy up after himself, get ready for school, refuse to let him take Ben 10 toys into school, brush his teeth, strict bedtimes etc and at the weekends with daddy he probably gets a bit more leeway and does more 'fun stuff'. And, when pressed, ds did admit recently that it was 'because Daddy has Sky+' 5-year-olds are very basic sometimes!

But... it doesn't matter. I am really pleased that he enjoys 'daddy time' - think how much worse it would be if he didn't want to go there. Also, the thing about 5-year-olds is that they change their minds constantly. He'll say it, and then 2 minutes later he'll have forgotten all about it and be insisting that next weekend he'd prefer to only have 'one sleep' at daddy's.

Try not to let it upset you. He knows who his mummy is, and where 'home' is, no matter how unexciting! Be relieved that he enjoys being with his dad (and enjoy the time off it gives you, too )

ElenorRigby · 18/11/2008 15:00

DSD begs DP all the time to stay more at his. She is genuinely upset wanting to spend "a long time with dad and a long time with mum."
Before her mum took DP to court (control issues we think, she wanted to slash contact and get sole residence. DP got shared residence for DSD) she used to spend a week with dad and a week with mum. She hasnt forgot that and doesnt understand why she only has a short time with dad.
She has also asked me can she spend more time here.
Its really upsetting. Honestly DP is haunted with DSD asking him and crying again and again

Your situation is different PC but if your son wants to spend more time with his dad would not consider letting him stay a little more and see how its goes?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 18/11/2008 23:26

I don't put a restriction on how often they stay with him, so they do see him frequently. He works shifts though, so some weeks he can have them loads, while other weeks (like next week while he is on a course in London, and the following week when he is on late shift) he can't see them at all. We don't have a set pattern for when boys visit because we can't, but he can have them for tea/to stay whenever he wants. I am grateful they enjoy spending time with him & I know I am lucky he sees them as often as he does, but I felt a bit low when DS2 used the word "hate" to describe how he feels about coming back to this house.

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 19/11/2008 19:10

Yeah I can understand it must really hurt when he used the word "hate". Maybe you could have a gentle word with him explaining that that wasnt a nice word to use, mummy was upset and please not use that word again.

For how long does your so stay at his dads at one stretch PC?

On a sad note DP got the usual why cant I stay at yours more daddy again on the phone tonight sigh

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