I just want 10 minutes off

[BroccoliSpears]

I hope I'm not going to offend anyone by posting in this topic. I couldn't see anywhere more suitable, and posters on this board will understand / have advice.

I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a hysterical meltdown. I need to scream and yell and kick things just to let some pressure off, but I can't.

Dh is away for a few months. I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. I have no family anywhere close and neither dc go to nursery. I'm full time SAHM and it's bloody relentless.

Dd is so anxious about her daddy going away that she's clinging to me for all she's worth and will barely let anyone else talk to her, let alone help her do anything (screamed when my friend offered to lift her in to the swing at the playground, sobbed when another friend helped her with her coat). Plus she's just, well, 2.6 and FULL of it. Naughty, challenging, relentless. She's probably absolutely gorgeous but I barely have the time or energy to appreciate her.

Ds just won't sleep. We're now on 2 hourly feeds plus one extra overnight, and the odd 20 minute catnap in the daytime. Admittedly this is a big improvement on last week where he was only sleeping for 20 - 40 minutes at a stretch overnight. Dd gets up at around 4. I could weep for a couple of hours of unbroken sleep. It's been weeks and weeks since I had more than 3 hours in a row, and that only very rarely and not in the last fortnight.

In the daytime I just seem to hurl myself from one bit of drugery to the next. Clean up sick. Wipe a bottom. Change the washing. Mop the floor. Take the rubbish out. Clean the high chair. Pay the bills. It never ends and despite never stopping the house still looks like we've been burgled. It's depressing.

Then there's the dog. It probably seems trivial, but I'm really upset by how much my relationshiop with the dog has suffered. She used to be my little pooch. Now she's just the straw that broke the camel's back. She sheds hair so I have to hoover daily. She swam in the duck pond and then had a snooze on the white sofa - I'd only washed and replaced the covers the day before. She's wheat intollerant and usually so good about not eating things the children drop, but suddenly she's got the devil in her, she's eating everyting and consequently vomiting everywhere. I am permanently cross with her.

My family keep phoning up to laugh at me. It's a sort of "Aha!! Not so clever now, you've bitten off more than you can chew" sort of thing but I'm not sure why I deserve it. Also, because apparently I was a challenging 2-year-old (who wasn't?), it's my come-uppance to have my hands full with dd and not really know how to cope.

I just want 10 minutes off. Just some time where I'm not listening out for the next wail, wondering if the washing cycle is finished, mentally running through what I still have to do before I can collapse in to bed for another 6 hours of continually broken sleep.

Sorry this is so moaning and negative. I've been on the verge of tears all day and if nothing else it feels good to write it down. I feel rubbish. I can't do this. I've got weeks still to go with never a moment off and the thought numbs me.

Oh dear

It can get quite, erm, overwhelming,can't it?

Its just a massive thing to be doing on your own and takes a lot of getting used to. DD was 2 when her dad left and she did regress, which was very hard.

Can you have a nice glass of wine? That tends to improve my outlook no end...

And wrt the dog - my dog drove me bonkers after XP left. He (the dog) got all dominant and started pissing in the house, while DD started doing same as she stopped using potty for several months

I used to come down every morning and we'd give each other this 'oh no, not you again' look.

So sympathy there too.

sounds crap. I have no advice, just sympathy. How long have you got to go on your own? Have you got any friends who could come and listen to you complain over a bottle of wine?

Awwwwwww brocoli you have my sympathies - two little ones is always hard

I dont think you are being trivial at all

A few thoughts:
Have you got friends in rl to at least chat to? Mums and toddlers was really helpful for me

Find out if there is a homestart branch in your area - You will definitely offered support from them - they match you up with a volunteer who comes to your home and "shares the burden" 2 hours every week

Also perhaps if you work out how to screen phonecalls on your phone then you can decide whether or not to take a call from your family

Cheer up love it does get better

~Lots of sympathy here to! My dh works away 4 nights a week and i find that hard! - would finances allow you to put DC with a Nursey/ childminder 1 day a week, for that well deserved break?

Thank you for the sympathy. Overwhelming is right. I thought I was all capable and brilliant , now I just want to curl up in my bed and have a snivel.

Ahh yes, the regression wrt potty training. Dd had been fully potty trained for 3 months. Now well and truly back in nappies.

homestart

Can you also speak to your hv regarding your ds's sleeping pattern - everything would probably seem slightly more manageable if you could have a decent amount of sleep... Am sorry . Fwiw, you sound like you are having to deal with extremely difficult circumstances, and you deserve some help (friends, homestart etc).

Broccoli, I have had a very similar week to you, and as I go to bed each night I think about parents who are permanently on their own and I have nothing but admiration.

I put mine to bed at 6.30pm just so I could sit on the sofa and have a glass of wine and mumsnet.

My children are similar age gap to yours although we are a little bit ahead of you - ds 3 and a half, dd 2. But at their age it is relentless anyway, and that is a tough age gap at the beginning. No wonder you are completely fed up.

I'm just thinking what I used to try and do when I was ready to explode. I remember sitting in the car playing driving with my 2 year old just to kill 10 minutes and it also meant I could sit down and listen to the radio.
Do you have a paper shredder? Mine are obsessed with shredded paper and we covered the kitchen floor with it yesterday and I managed to have a cup of tea, yippee, what an achievement!

I have just realised how sad that sounds that I got excited about shredded paper. Also today I just thought sod it and we watched a lot of cbeebies. it was raining so that was the excuse I kept telling myself.

I don't really know what else to say but I just wanted to tell you I really know how it feels and I have massive sympathy for you. That feeling of relentlessness is tough. Just do what you can to get through it.

Heya. I can totally sympathise how you feel becuase you are describing my life, minus the dog. I have a 16 month old ds and a 5month old dd.
Im afraid I dont have any real advice I can give you what I would say is that routine is a must and will help you.
Our day consists of getting up having breakfast and a little play and then ds goes down for a nap at about 10.30/11 ish and will wake about 12.30 and has his lunch. In the afternoon I let ds play or watch TV and get on with the house work then at 5 I start cooking dinner. At 6 ds eats has his bath, snuggles up for a story and then is in bed at 7.
When ds is sleeping I do work for uni, feed dd, play with dd etc, do housework.

Its important to get out. Perhaps joining a mother and baby group would be good for you as you would make some friends. Also you might be able to get help from homestart who would come in and watch the kids for you whilst you get a few Zzz's.

The other thing i do as well is that I do all the house work outside of the living room in the day time and then when the dc's are asleep in the evening i do the lounge. In the day time the kids play in the lounge so they can only mess up the one room.

Sorry that Im not much more help. I find it really hard being on my own and some days Im unsure how we managed to get to the end of the day. Hope things get better for you. x

Oh god, the admiration I have for anyone who does this full time is boundless. It makes me feel a right fraud for complaining.

I do have toddler groups and friends locally, so most mornings we have something to do.

I've also thought about nursery or CM for dd, but she is so freaked out by all the changes at the moment that I think it might not be kind to leave her with someone. She's never ever ever been anywhere without either me or her dad there. Wrong time to stretch her on this one I think.

Not sure what a HV would say about ds's sleeping. I have been asking on MN for help on this one, and we've made a bit of improvement.

Earlier this evening I reached cracking point with the whining (dd) and screaming (ds) and put the radio on top volume. It shocked them both out of their funks and it meant that for 5 minutes I couldn't hear them mythering me. They both sat wide eyed staring at strange noisy mummy making supper in the kitchen.

Don't feel fraudulent, you've got it really tough at the mo.
I am a homestart volunteer, and I would really recommend it, although I am a bit hypocritical as I don't think I could have someone come to help me as I am the most stubborn, I will do it all myself type of person. But even if they come over and you can lie down and have a sleep. Hell, where are you? I'll come and be your volunteer!

your not a fraud at all... if anything it is worse for you. Your used to more support than you are getting and this has been thrust upon you. Its bloody hard, feel no shame in complaining.
Are you bf your ds? I know Im going to be slated for saying this but when dd went on to formular she was so much better and slept for much longer. Im not trying to influence you or anything. Just thought I would put my own experiances forward. Could you co-sleep with ds at night to try and gethim to sleep for longer?

I do bf, yes. We also co-sleep. A couple of people have suggested formula, but I wonder if that would just mean getting up to faff about for night feeds, instead of sluggishly rolling over and then sluggishly rolling back again 20 minutes later. Sleepwise I think his problem is that he can't seem to stay asleep, and his only way of dropping back to sleep is by feeding. I think it will improve when his top teeth cut through - they're almost here.

I will read about homestart. I've heard of it, but not really known what they do. Lucky - if you're really keen you can start with the midnight - 4am shift tonight if you like? And that reminds me, I must go to bed.

Thank you for the sympathy. It's nice to have a 'conversation' with someone who doesn't burst in to tears because I won't give them lemonade.

No probs, will just change into my homestart super hero cape and I will be over in a whoosh.

Have just had a thought. Tomorrow is Friday. When I was little (and my mum was a single parent) Friday was treat day. We ate crap, drank the 70s equivalent of fruitshoots, and stayed up late to watch the muppets and slept in with my mum. you should make friday your treat day, bring out the lemonade, the crap dvds (if you can take iggle piggle on repeat) and leave all the housework till the next day. Its not going anywhere (sadly). Go buy a multipack of chocolate buttons, even if they are just for you. I've just worked my way through half a box of celebrations. (Feel a little bit sick now).

Really wallow in it and accept that you are having a shit time and if loading you and the kids up one day a week makes you feel better go for it. I think I've just let out all my fab parenting techniques, I am quite a good parent, honest.

Brocoli - homestart are fab honestly - I volunteer for them so obviously I am fab also

Someone to call round for 2 hours each week and take an interest in you and your kids - no cost, no commitment on your part apart from being in at that time each week

I think it would really help you - though you will have to wait a bit to be matched up with someone

I have yet to buy a cape though

Homestart saved me life, from a DV realtionship.
Every Monday they were there, without fail to pick me and DD2 up.
Hoever,nobody dragged me out the house. I was taken to a place up in Hanley Park. (we lived in Stoke at the time)
But those people. Reported the abuse to the police and to social services. Within 2 weeks, I was out and back in my hometown on London.

Homestart. Lifesavers. No cost. Couple hours each week. No time at all.
As long as you have a DC under 5, which you will be more than eledgible for... Give them a call.

how useful would that power be - the one from 'charmed' where you freeze things - piper has it.

the kid is screaming - shazam! its all quiet, you make yourself a brew. ahhhh

Playschool may be cheaper than nursery and is usually only for a morning or afternoon and you would probably be able to stay with her for the first few sessions so she can get used to it gradually and not have to worry about who was goingto have the baby for you.

Don't listen to those who tell you formula would work better. Breast is best and there's a lot to be said for simply turning over, feed and both going back to sleep. Yes it is on demand, but your baby will reap the long term benefits. Maybe it's time to step up the solids and give more a substantial meal meal before bed. Ask your HV for advice, but don't give up bf just for an 'easy' life.

When my ds was little and I would also look after a friends child while she worked (11 hours a day 5 days a week!) I would often go to a supermarket which had a play place attached. The children would be tagged in and out, and I would go sit in the coffee shop just to have 30 mins break!
It was expensive but well worth it. It was a proper nursery though, not just a ball place.

If you haven't got something like that then try and find a play centre which will be quiet during school hours. Let the 2 year old run round and you have a coffee and read magazine while baby naps or has a little roll round if awake. Just getting out the house can be great. You know that at least it won't be any messier than it was when you went out.

Tell your family their comments are unhelpful and that what you really need is support. If you ask for it you may get it, if not then don't be answering the phone to them.

Try not to worry about what others think or worry that you are not coping. We all have days like that. Just be the best mum you can be today, and leave the rest for tomorrow.

Take care
Gilly

Broccoli, don't worry, I'm not offended. Even though I'm a single parent, the absolute hardest period for me was just after dc2 was born when I was with a 'partner'. ok, he was a useless critical abusive knob and I'm sure your husband isn't, but it was very hard. Very overwhelming. I'm on my own now and find things easier, so it's not as though you can NEVER ever complain just because you haave a husband.

If you can get a chance to go for a run (at the wknd) do it. It may only be 25 minutes away from the children but it makes you feel more on top of things generally. It really does help.

ps. Calpol!! I'll say no more! Don't be afraid to resort to calpol if you've had a really bad night the night before and you wnat to know you can bank on a few hours sleep( both of them sleeping together).

Aren't there any mums and toddlers clubs near you? That would certainly give you a bit of me/adult time and won't be expensive if cost is an issue. My ds started nursery at 2.3 and loved it so that might be an answer too.

Sometimes I found that having a bath with some nice candles late at night was enough to feel human again (and/or a glass of wine!).

Once I played hide and seek with my kids, and hid in the cupboard just to get ten minutes peace!!!

You have to let standards drop too. I know it is hard, but you have to take every chance to rest. There are probaly lots of tips to save on housework on the internet or these pages.

For example, eat baked potatoes on paper plates for tea. When cooking meals, make double and freeze the rest. Maybe try and keep one room tidy, instead of them all.

Try and eat as much fruit as possible, you need all the energy you can get.

Your family sound awful, can you just ignore the phone and or let it go to answerphone?

Brocolli - where are you? I bet there are some mumsnetters who will meet you for a coffee and help take the pressure off just for an hour...